I'm reading a book at the moment called 'Past Secrets' by Cathy Kelly (a bit of chick-lit) and it made me think... when is it right or wrong to keep past secrets from your children about your adolescence?
The dilemma presented in the book was a single mother with a soon-to-be 18 year old daughter, who had lied to her daughter about the status of her father. She had always said that her father died in a car accident while she was pregnant with her, when in fact, she had been a band groupie, fell in love with the lead singer, had sex with him, found out she was pregnant, and she she went to tell him, he had some other floozie on his arm and didn't care one iota for her. She felt like a fool, cried to her mum, didn't tell the father, and she brought up her daughter on her own. She decided to live a responsible life - not having any male friends and creating a special bond between her daughter and herself. They happily did everything together, until about a month prior to her daughter's 18th birthday, her daughter started to become rebellious without her mother knowing (she thought she was at a friend's house studying for exams), and then her daughter left - saying she was in love with a rockstar and she was his inspiration for writing music, so he's invited her to join their tour over in America (the book is based in Ireland) and her mother can't stop her. From the daughter's perspective, she felt her mum was a goodie-two-shoes who didn't know how to have a good time, had no idea what it was to be loved by a man and she didn't want her mother's boring ideals imposed on her. But little did she know, that she was only repeating what her mother had done 18 years prior.
I'm sure there are plenty of parents in the same situation. They don't tell them the truth because they are scared of them using it against them. "I know you smoked dope when you were 16, so don't tell me I can't..." Those sort of antics. But most kids aren't stupid. Most kids can see that the 'whole truth' isn't being revealed.
For instance, my friend's parents told their children that they were together from the time they were 15 and 17 respectively, but never had sex until they were married at the ages of 22 and 24 - seven whole years. They said, 'we never thought like that,' 'we were too busy doing other things.' What a load of hogwash! And somehow, two of their children were caught in teenage pregnancy debacles... like it wasn't in their gene pool. And her grandfather, at the age of 97, raves on about the Viagra sitting in his fridge! What, does a sex drive skip a generation? How could my friend's parents not be interested in sex as the advent of the pill came in and the sexual revolution was buzzing all around them? But it wasn't just sex they kept secret from my friend and her siblings - it was periods, how boys treat girls, how to shave your legs without cutting yourself, make-up... the whole puberty debate - none of it was ever discussed. They were shoved a copy of "Where Do I Come From?" in front of our faces to look at cartoon couples making love in a bed with little heart shapes floating around them. But now, in their twilight years, my friend's parents seem to have a sparkle of naughtiness between them... did they discover how amazing sex was in their 50s after their children left the nest? It's hard to believe isn't it?
So as a parent, fully aware that secrets can only cause harm to our children, I am very open with my kids. However, before revealing all, I find out how much they know and then clarify the truth to make them more educated. If they ask questions, I tell them the reality of it all. It's only fair to them. It's not about them growing up too fast - as they find out information from friends who've got older brothers or sisters. What would you prefer them to know - stretched out tales from pubescent know-it-alls, or carefully guided parental knowledge? I'd rather my kid tell his school mates the truth with confidence and give the older sibling a run for his money.
At the same time, I think the more your children know about your past, the less likely they will rebel in their teen years. They know it's nothing new to you, but it is to them, so they will most likely have a lot of questions for you to make an educated decision to work out if whatever they plan to do is right for them or not. Of course, there are two types of child - one who will be inquisitive and the other who will say 'you did it, so why can't I?' It is all in the attitude, so if you confide in your child, they will more likely come to you for help and guidance. But you just can't blurt out "This is my past, and I need you to know about it." It has to evolve over time. The trust in telling the truth has to begin from the time they start asking questions. That's how you build trust within your relationship with your kids. And you need for them to discover things on their own. You can't protect them their entire lives, you need to give them some freedom and responsibility for themselves.
I know it's easy for me to say it when my kids are only 10 and 8. But I have vivid memories of my teens and scrutinise how things should have been different and I may have made better decisions for myself. I see the overwhelming protective boundaries that are put on children today. It is mind-boggling that the adults of the next generation won't know how to go to a friend's house without their parent doing a security screening on their friend's house; what the value of a dollar is because they have never had to earn a dollar; they won't even know how to catch public transport because their parent's drove them everywhere. The more we protect, the more they will rebel - it's the yin and yang of parenthood - there has to be balance.
So if you want a truely 'balanced' relationship with your children, you can't afford to have secrets. Telling the truth can only ensure that your children will respect you and think beyond themselves.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Saturday, 29 October 2011
When It's All Gone...
Single motherhood takes life to the extremes. It can lead to immense poverty, it can be quite isolating but at the same time, so liberating.
I recently spoke to one woman who married quite early, had a son and realised that she couldn't cope with the violence and verbal abuse, so she took her 12 month old son and left. She didn't have any more than the clothes on her back and a nappy (diaper) bag with her, but she didn't care... she had her freedom, she had her parents as limited support and she knew she could rely on charities to get her through the first few months she needed to get back on her feet. If she couldn't get food from goodwill, she would find herself on her mother's doorstep at eight o'clock at night. She was happy living under some cardboard boxes in a neighbour's garage until she found a place to live. It's what she did for her freedom. Now, her son is in his early thirties, she is a successful business woman living opposite the beach and drives a BMW. Within five years of sleeping under cardboard boxes, she was able to put a deposit down on a house and pay the house off in ten years. She gave her son absolutely everything she could and he is someone she is dearly proud of. She's in now in her early 50s and happy where she is, now with a loving husband and grandchildren to enjoy.
Some single mums start as being single and struggle to rise above the variety of government hand-outs (in Australia, they are entitled to rent assistance, Austudy or unemployment benefits, Family Tax B, endless concessions on car registration, pharmaceuticals, doctor's bills, electricity/gas/water bills, etc) and do something they can be proud of. I know motherhood is a full time job in itself, but to dedicate your life to solely the needs of your children, doesn't give you a chance to better yourself for them in the future - some time of work or study builds your self esteem to get out there to be better.
Some single mums are constantly reliant on their ex-husband to pay them alimony, child support and keep the cogs ticking the way they used to... but even that runs out when the children become of age, and the funding stops... it's your turn to make something of your life. So what do you do?
Some single mums are the primary care-giver and primary bread-winner, and somehow they too are left with nothing as their ex-husbands drag their ordeal through the court.
But in the end, you know you can start again. You have had the strength and courage to get through the hell of ending a relationship, of being a sole-parent, of being alone and isolated, and you know that you can get up and make a new reality that you have the control over. It may seem impossible to start all over again, but it's possible to make a better life, one you've never dreamed of, because you are free.
I recently spoke to one woman who married quite early, had a son and realised that she couldn't cope with the violence and verbal abuse, so she took her 12 month old son and left. She didn't have any more than the clothes on her back and a nappy (diaper) bag with her, but she didn't care... she had her freedom, she had her parents as limited support and she knew she could rely on charities to get her through the first few months she needed to get back on her feet. If she couldn't get food from goodwill, she would find herself on her mother's doorstep at eight o'clock at night. She was happy living under some cardboard boxes in a neighbour's garage until she found a place to live. It's what she did for her freedom. Now, her son is in his early thirties, she is a successful business woman living opposite the beach and drives a BMW. Within five years of sleeping under cardboard boxes, she was able to put a deposit down on a house and pay the house off in ten years. She gave her son absolutely everything she could and he is someone she is dearly proud of. She's in now in her early 50s and happy where she is, now with a loving husband and grandchildren to enjoy.
Some single mums start as being single and struggle to rise above the variety of government hand-outs (in Australia, they are entitled to rent assistance, Austudy or unemployment benefits, Family Tax B, endless concessions on car registration, pharmaceuticals, doctor's bills, electricity/gas/water bills, etc) and do something they can be proud of. I know motherhood is a full time job in itself, but to dedicate your life to solely the needs of your children, doesn't give you a chance to better yourself for them in the future - some time of work or study builds your self esteem to get out there to be better.
Some single mums are constantly reliant on their ex-husband to pay them alimony, child support and keep the cogs ticking the way they used to... but even that runs out when the children become of age, and the funding stops... it's your turn to make something of your life. So what do you do?
Some single mums are the primary care-giver and primary bread-winner, and somehow they too are left with nothing as their ex-husbands drag their ordeal through the court.
But in the end, you know you can start again. You have had the strength and courage to get through the hell of ending a relationship, of being a sole-parent, of being alone and isolated, and you know that you can get up and make a new reality that you have the control over. It may seem impossible to start all over again, but it's possible to make a better life, one you've never dreamed of, because you are free.
Friday, 28 October 2011
People who inspire...
How is it that some people have this aura of inspiration and others inspire you to run away? As a human condition, most people like to associate with those who have some spirit and sense of achievement in their lives, but there are those who are inspired to help those who are less fortunate. But how do you achieve a balance of 'receiving' the inspiration, and 'giving' the inspiration?
I have friends and family who inspire me, and those who have done nothing to be inspired about. For instance, an old friend had her first child at 20, put herself through university to get her teaching degree in Japanese, then after a few years, became head of the Japanese department of a private Melbourne school, all while being a single mum, saving for a deposit for a home and tossing up if she should keep her son's father in their lives while he gambled his (and sometimes her) money away. She gave him the ultimatum, which he took seriously, and now they are happy together, married, have a second child (13 years after the first) and twins on the way. Her story is a private struggle of doing the right thing by herself and her son to give herself the family she always wanted. They now struggle financially, while she quit her job to have more children, but she seems a lot happier enjoying motherhood with a partner.
I have another friend, who is very materialistic and needs to be 'seen.' She has the best of everything (or so she thinks) - the best dog, the best husband, lives in the best part of the world, has the best friends, the best lifestyle. She is constantly doing adventurous things - gliding, rock-climbing, sailing, etc. She is a snob when it comes to wines and restaurants, travel and pedigree pets. And when you get an alcoholic beverage into her, she becomes all high and mighty about how crap your life is, and how you should be more like her. She expects you to have the same ambitions as her. She is totally judgemental about what you 'should' be doing and what is not acceptable, in her eyes. But when you break it all down, her life ain't that great (and she is constantly asking for little loans from either her parents or her husband's). When she travels, she expects life to be better than what it is at home or it needs to live up to her expectations, and if it's not, she leaves. She's a hard worker, no doubt, but her mind set is based on her finite and very limited knowledge, not on expanding that knowledge through experience and acceptance.
For an adult, my lover inspires me the most. He works extraordinary hours, volunteers his time to the greater good of the medical community, he's always there for his children - sports coach, removalist, teacher, friend, babysitter, etc, he's physically active - he runs, plays tennis, plays golf, mountain bike riding, he is diligent in eating well, he enjoys quality and comfort, but knows how and is happy to slum it if he has to, he has a passion for nature and animals, and we both have a passion for writing. We inspire each other, and that is what makes our relationship what it is. There is no one-sidedness, we equally bounce off each other, to encourage each other to take on the next hurdle with courage and strength.
But most of all, my boys inspire me. They are the reason why I work so hard, they are the reason why I come home everyday, they are the reason I have my protective senses up to ensure they don't get hurt, they are the reason why I get out of bed every day. They inspire me to succeed and give them a better life.
All in all, people who inspire, don't have expectations on others. They live their own life without expecting others to approve. They relish in the simple things in life and take on whatever is handed to them on their plate. They don't judge, they get on with life. They are happy because they are giving to the greater good, not to their own financial or emotional gain. They have a spiritual connection with the world. They love unconditionally and they are proud of who they are. To be inspiring is one of the greatest gifts you can give...
I have friends and family who inspire me, and those who have done nothing to be inspired about. For instance, an old friend had her first child at 20, put herself through university to get her teaching degree in Japanese, then after a few years, became head of the Japanese department of a private Melbourne school, all while being a single mum, saving for a deposit for a home and tossing up if she should keep her son's father in their lives while he gambled his (and sometimes her) money away. She gave him the ultimatum, which he took seriously, and now they are happy together, married, have a second child (13 years after the first) and twins on the way. Her story is a private struggle of doing the right thing by herself and her son to give herself the family she always wanted. They now struggle financially, while she quit her job to have more children, but she seems a lot happier enjoying motherhood with a partner.
I have another friend, who is very materialistic and needs to be 'seen.' She has the best of everything (or so she thinks) - the best dog, the best husband, lives in the best part of the world, has the best friends, the best lifestyle. She is constantly doing adventurous things - gliding, rock-climbing, sailing, etc. She is a snob when it comes to wines and restaurants, travel and pedigree pets. And when you get an alcoholic beverage into her, she becomes all high and mighty about how crap your life is, and how you should be more like her. She expects you to have the same ambitions as her. She is totally judgemental about what you 'should' be doing and what is not acceptable, in her eyes. But when you break it all down, her life ain't that great (and she is constantly asking for little loans from either her parents or her husband's). When she travels, she expects life to be better than what it is at home or it needs to live up to her expectations, and if it's not, she leaves. She's a hard worker, no doubt, but her mind set is based on her finite and very limited knowledge, not on expanding that knowledge through experience and acceptance.
For an adult, my lover inspires me the most. He works extraordinary hours, volunteers his time to the greater good of the medical community, he's always there for his children - sports coach, removalist, teacher, friend, babysitter, etc, he's physically active - he runs, plays tennis, plays golf, mountain bike riding, he is diligent in eating well, he enjoys quality and comfort, but knows how and is happy to slum it if he has to, he has a passion for nature and animals, and we both have a passion for writing. We inspire each other, and that is what makes our relationship what it is. There is no one-sidedness, we equally bounce off each other, to encourage each other to take on the next hurdle with courage and strength.
But most of all, my boys inspire me. They are the reason why I work so hard, they are the reason why I come home everyday, they are the reason I have my protective senses up to ensure they don't get hurt, they are the reason why I get out of bed every day. They inspire me to succeed and give them a better life.
All in all, people who inspire, don't have expectations on others. They live their own life without expecting others to approve. They relish in the simple things in life and take on whatever is handed to them on their plate. They don't judge, they get on with life. They are happy because they are giving to the greater good, not to their own financial or emotional gain. They have a spiritual connection with the world. They love unconditionally and they are proud of who they are. To be inspiring is one of the greatest gifts you can give...
Monday, 24 October 2011
The Dickheads in this world
I had an interesting conversation with a client today. He said that he is the radar for his wife's girlfriends who bring new men over to 'show them off', and he will instantly tell his wife's friends what he thinks of their new beaus. He said it was interesting, how powerful women - those with great jobs, know how to stand on their own two feet, are strong, sensible women, somehow attract themselves to low-life 'dickheads.'
His generic term for a 'dickhead' is a guy who has no or a low paying job (which you don't know about, because he hides it well under his lies in the form of 'self employed'), seems to sit around with friends (or alone) drinking all the time, big-notes himself about how well he is doing, and make out that he is some type of millionaire with his flash cars, expensive taste and over-the-top stories. There is nothing genuine about them, and somehow, these amazing women attract themselves to these guys.
Why do we do it? Why do we belittle ourselves into thinking that these poor excuses for men are actually worth the time that we give them? Is it because, really successful men are intimidated by our womanly success and it's hard for us to snag an 'equal?' Because the really successful men are used to having a wife as a secretarial slave? Is that it? It would be too much for them to have a high powered woman who didn't take orders - they'd have to have their wives and their secretaries living under the same roof to get anything done. Or maybe they are so used to delegating that they can't do anything 'real' for themselves (you know, hang out the washing, do the dishes, find a matching pair of socks) because they have always had hired help.
But my question is, why are there so many male dickheads out there? What happened to the man who took on all the responsibility in the family - being the breadwinner, paying the bills, being the soccer coach, doing all the outdoors chores... where did he go? Did he get lost somewhere in the 60s and 70s when women started demanding to be considered an equal and man lost his place in the world? Did the 'real man' lose his identity because he didn't know what was expected from him anymore? Or do we have a generation of molly-coddled Mummy's boys that don't know how to do anything anymore because they were conscripted to Vietnam and their Mummies didn't want to lose them again, so they got pampered with everything?
Who knows, but it is truly difficult to find a 'real man' these days. A man who is principled, responsible, a provider, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, sensitive, attractive and is absolutely in love with you. If you do find yourself lucky enough to have one, don't let him go. He is literally one in a million... and you are truly blessed.
His generic term for a 'dickhead' is a guy who has no or a low paying job (which you don't know about, because he hides it well under his lies in the form of 'self employed'), seems to sit around with friends (or alone) drinking all the time, big-notes himself about how well he is doing, and make out that he is some type of millionaire with his flash cars, expensive taste and over-the-top stories. There is nothing genuine about them, and somehow, these amazing women attract themselves to these guys.
Why do we do it? Why do we belittle ourselves into thinking that these poor excuses for men are actually worth the time that we give them? Is it because, really successful men are intimidated by our womanly success and it's hard for us to snag an 'equal?' Because the really successful men are used to having a wife as a secretarial slave? Is that it? It would be too much for them to have a high powered woman who didn't take orders - they'd have to have their wives and their secretaries living under the same roof to get anything done. Or maybe they are so used to delegating that they can't do anything 'real' for themselves (you know, hang out the washing, do the dishes, find a matching pair of socks) because they have always had hired help.
But my question is, why are there so many male dickheads out there? What happened to the man who took on all the responsibility in the family - being the breadwinner, paying the bills, being the soccer coach, doing all the outdoors chores... where did he go? Did he get lost somewhere in the 60s and 70s when women started demanding to be considered an equal and man lost his place in the world? Did the 'real man' lose his identity because he didn't know what was expected from him anymore? Or do we have a generation of molly-coddled Mummy's boys that don't know how to do anything anymore because they were conscripted to Vietnam and their Mummies didn't want to lose them again, so they got pampered with everything?
Who knows, but it is truly difficult to find a 'real man' these days. A man who is principled, responsible, a provider, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, sensitive, attractive and is absolutely in love with you. If you do find yourself lucky enough to have one, don't let him go. He is literally one in a million... and you are truly blessed.
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Making Ends Meet...
As a single mum, there is always something unexpected that has to be paid for... school camp, broken down car, friend's wedding present (oh yeah, we don't get invited to those because we haven't got a 'plus one'), kid's birthday present, fundraising for the school... whatever it is, it has to be paid for and it doesn't quite fit into the budget, so something has to miss out.
And the things that miss out are the weekly takeaway treat, your waxing appointment (bring out the razor and tweezers AGAIN!), a trip to the movies, or a fun night out for you (as you can't afford the babysitter). So how can you make it better without getting a pay rise, working a second job or prostituting yourself?
The easiest and most efficient way is to sell, sell, sell. Sell all your unwanted things on Ebay or through online auction houses. Things the children have outgrown but are too good to give to charity, things that you don't use, unwanted gifts (I know that may seem ungrateful, but you could do with the money and the unwanted gift would take the stress out of your life for the moment, and that would be the best gift of all!), anything that adds to the clutter in your life and doesn't need to be there.
Another way to make some money, is find some party-plan companies that actually reward you for the money your friends spend at your party. I recently found a company in Melbourne that allows your friends to bring all their old gold to a party - broken necklaces, bracklets, ear rings, rings, whatever it is, and they make cash for trading in their old gold, and you can make cash from their trading! http://www.cashforoldgold.com.au I made $700 recently from trading in old broken chains - he came out to my place and handed me the CASH!! And that was without my friends coming over. You get 2.5 times that what the gold brokers in the shopping centres give you, and you don't need to leave your door! You could scrounge around pawn shops, charity shops or markets to find other pieces of cheap gold and sell it back to this guy for a profit. How cool is that!!
If you're an expert in your field (and all single mums are an expert in at least one field - motherhood), come up with some 'How To' ideas and video them. You can sell them on Amazon for $10 a video, and if you sell 100 in a month, you've made yourself $1000. And you know you have a captive audience, because there are sooooo many single mums out there, or soon to be single mums, parents to single mums, sisters to single mums... the list is endless.
So I hope this blog helps you to realise that you don't need to miss out if you have a little ingenuity in how you get some extra cash. Most of the ideas are tax free, because you are selling things you've previously owned (and it's not an enterprise), so go for it! Make it happen! Chose your own destiny and start enjoying life again.
And the things that miss out are the weekly takeaway treat, your waxing appointment (bring out the razor and tweezers AGAIN!), a trip to the movies, or a fun night out for you (as you can't afford the babysitter). So how can you make it better without getting a pay rise, working a second job or prostituting yourself?
The easiest and most efficient way is to sell, sell, sell. Sell all your unwanted things on Ebay or through online auction houses. Things the children have outgrown but are too good to give to charity, things that you don't use, unwanted gifts (I know that may seem ungrateful, but you could do with the money and the unwanted gift would take the stress out of your life for the moment, and that would be the best gift of all!), anything that adds to the clutter in your life and doesn't need to be there.
Another way to make some money, is find some party-plan companies that actually reward you for the money your friends spend at your party. I recently found a company in Melbourne that allows your friends to bring all their old gold to a party - broken necklaces, bracklets, ear rings, rings, whatever it is, and they make cash for trading in their old gold, and you can make cash from their trading! http://www.cashforoldgold.com.au I made $700 recently from trading in old broken chains - he came out to my place and handed me the CASH!! And that was without my friends coming over. You get 2.5 times that what the gold brokers in the shopping centres give you, and you don't need to leave your door! You could scrounge around pawn shops, charity shops or markets to find other pieces of cheap gold and sell it back to this guy for a profit. How cool is that!!
If you're an expert in your field (and all single mums are an expert in at least one field - motherhood), come up with some 'How To' ideas and video them. You can sell them on Amazon for $10 a video, and if you sell 100 in a month, you've made yourself $1000. And you know you have a captive audience, because there are sooooo many single mums out there, or soon to be single mums, parents to single mums, sisters to single mums... the list is endless.
So I hope this blog helps you to realise that you don't need to miss out if you have a little ingenuity in how you get some extra cash. Most of the ideas are tax free, because you are selling things you've previously owned (and it's not an enterprise), so go for it! Make it happen! Chose your own destiny and start enjoying life again.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
At what stage does the 'fun' leave your sex life?
At the start of any relationship, the lust overwhelms the love and the excitement is amazing. It's in the discovery... finding out how far your partner will go, what their fantasies are, how 'giving' they are, how much they like to receive, what turns them on, and what doesn't. You try ideas out on each other, some work, some don't, but it's all part of the fun.
You find out each other's boundaries - some might like to do it in public, some might like only to be bed-bound, some may have a preference only for oral sex, some might be disgusted by it, some may like to use toys, and others just like the standard missionary position and wouldn't know how to venture into something new.
I remember when I first started discovering boys in my teens, the sneakiness of it all made it all so much more exhilarating. Going to the back of the sheltered sheds in the local school on the weekend to sneak one in, at a friend's place when their parent's were out, in a back alleyway, on the beach on the way home from an evening movie, even having sleepovers at boyfriend's houses (in separate rooms) and sneaking off to his bed at 2am to catch in a quickie. It was fun, exciting and so against the rules and it really made my teen years something to remember.
And then I met the future husband - 10 years my senior and so not interested in doing anything unconventional because he didn't have to. He didn't have parents to be wary of because he was an adult and could do what he wanted, so having sex was always in a bed or on the couch (and he was too short to consider doing it on the kitchen bench :) ). Occasionally I would sneak in a little blow job behind a pillow while watching TV with a friend on the couch, but that was all the excitement he could take. So many times I would ask him to take a walk into a park in the middle of the night and find a place to do it under the moonlight, but no - "I don't want to get dirty", "what happens if we get caught?", "it's too cold." He didn't want to do it in a car, or have a play or talk dirty over dinner in a nice restaurant, he didn't even want to do it at another person's house, for just in case. All the non adventurous reasons to dampen a sex life.
In the later years, I even tried to watch porn movies with him to give him some inspiration, but he always went back to the tried and true. And it really wasn't fun anymore, just methodical robots almost to the point of feeling like I'd dried up.
When he left to go overseas to work, he tried to spice it up wanting to see my breasts on Skype. That's all he wanted - to see my tits. What the? Nothing to reciprocate, no mutual playing - just to sit there and ogle in his twin room with his work mate alongside. I wasn't interested, what was in it for me? Was he going to start bumping uglies with his workmate while I watched? I don't think so...
Anyway, enough about him... my lover and I spice it up with something different all the time. And he's 17 years my senior!! He has taught me how to find all my erogenous zones in places that you would least expect them to be. So every time we make love, it's so different. Not just in the way we do it, but in the places we do it. We have done it in a tourist parking lot in the middle of the day in my ex-husband's precious Mercedes, we have played skin-on-skin at some top restaurants under the tablecloths, we have used food, we have been in a two storey glass-enclosed townhouse overlooking a highway making love by an open fire with cars driving by, we have spiced it up with lingerie and toys, we have attempted to do it in public restrooms (the timing was never right for either of us to enter the wrong bathroom) :), we have done it in a public pool, we have done it over the internet, we have had some amazingly seductive nights in hotel rooms on every piece of furniture, we've talked about venturing into threesomes and even sex text across the room in a workshop we went to together. It is so much FUN!!! So exhilarating, so passionate, so steamy, so absolutely unbelievably fabulous!! And I can't see us ever getting stale... it's just who we are together. And believe me, there are many married couples who even after decades of being together, still have that sense of fun in their marriage and sex life.
But sadly for most, it fades. Fades into monotony and special occasions.
I guess in the end, finding a lover who you're compatible with is what's best for you. If you want to be adventurous, go for it. If you want to be private and intimate, then stay between the sheets. There's no rule book, but to create happiness in any relationship, there must be an element of fun.
You find out each other's boundaries - some might like to do it in public, some might like only to be bed-bound, some may have a preference only for oral sex, some might be disgusted by it, some may like to use toys, and others just like the standard missionary position and wouldn't know how to venture into something new.
I remember when I first started discovering boys in my teens, the sneakiness of it all made it all so much more exhilarating. Going to the back of the sheltered sheds in the local school on the weekend to sneak one in, at a friend's place when their parent's were out, in a back alleyway, on the beach on the way home from an evening movie, even having sleepovers at boyfriend's houses (in separate rooms) and sneaking off to his bed at 2am to catch in a quickie. It was fun, exciting and so against the rules and it really made my teen years something to remember.
And then I met the future husband - 10 years my senior and so not interested in doing anything unconventional because he didn't have to. He didn't have parents to be wary of because he was an adult and could do what he wanted, so having sex was always in a bed or on the couch (and he was too short to consider doing it on the kitchen bench :) ). Occasionally I would sneak in a little blow job behind a pillow while watching TV with a friend on the couch, but that was all the excitement he could take. So many times I would ask him to take a walk into a park in the middle of the night and find a place to do it under the moonlight, but no - "I don't want to get dirty", "what happens if we get caught?", "it's too cold." He didn't want to do it in a car, or have a play or talk dirty over dinner in a nice restaurant, he didn't even want to do it at another person's house, for just in case. All the non adventurous reasons to dampen a sex life.
In the later years, I even tried to watch porn movies with him to give him some inspiration, but he always went back to the tried and true. And it really wasn't fun anymore, just methodical robots almost to the point of feeling like I'd dried up.
When he left to go overseas to work, he tried to spice it up wanting to see my breasts on Skype. That's all he wanted - to see my tits. What the? Nothing to reciprocate, no mutual playing - just to sit there and ogle in his twin room with his work mate alongside. I wasn't interested, what was in it for me? Was he going to start bumping uglies with his workmate while I watched? I don't think so...
Anyway, enough about him... my lover and I spice it up with something different all the time. And he's 17 years my senior!! He has taught me how to find all my erogenous zones in places that you would least expect them to be. So every time we make love, it's so different. Not just in the way we do it, but in the places we do it. We have done it in a tourist parking lot in the middle of the day in my ex-husband's precious Mercedes, we have played skin-on-skin at some top restaurants under the tablecloths, we have used food, we have been in a two storey glass-enclosed townhouse overlooking a highway making love by an open fire with cars driving by, we have spiced it up with lingerie and toys, we have attempted to do it in public restrooms (the timing was never right for either of us to enter the wrong bathroom) :), we have done it in a public pool, we have done it over the internet, we have had some amazingly seductive nights in hotel rooms on every piece of furniture, we've talked about venturing into threesomes and even sex text across the room in a workshop we went to together. It is so much FUN!!! So exhilarating, so passionate, so steamy, so absolutely unbelievably fabulous!! And I can't see us ever getting stale... it's just who we are together. And believe me, there are many married couples who even after decades of being together, still have that sense of fun in their marriage and sex life.
But sadly for most, it fades. Fades into monotony and special occasions.
I guess in the end, finding a lover who you're compatible with is what's best for you. If you want to be adventurous, go for it. If you want to be private and intimate, then stay between the sheets. There's no rule book, but to create happiness in any relationship, there must be an element of fun.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Friendships... how they stand the test of time...
I had a chat with some friends today who started their lives in the United States and South Africa respectively, and have only moved to Australia in the last 2-10 years. We talked about when they go back to their home countries to catch up with friends and family, how hard it is to catch up with everyone, and how it ends up not being much of a holiday because you're dragged from friends to family and back again everyday and there's no time to just sit, rest and just see the countryside. I recently had a friend come home from London and had decided that he didn't want to come back to Australia anymore because he too was dragged from pillar to post and there was no time to actually relax. I have another friend coming home from London over Christmas, and she keeps adding weeks to her previous visits home to make sure she has time to catch up with everyone because she feels so bad when she misses someone.
So what do these seasoned travellers do when they go home? Who do they decide who to see when they have limited time to be with the ones they love? The more seasoned of the travellers, the South African, who'd been here for over 10 years, said that she only sees those who keep in touch regularly, and the rest were never really friends at all. She'll spend equal time with parents, and the rest will be visiting favourite and new places and catching up with friends who keep in contact frequently. Some of her best friends when they lived in her home country, she hasn't heard from since she first left, leaving her feel hurt and realising that they weren't friends at all. She has one friend, her longest friend of all time, who only contacts her for her birthday and Christmas, but she just knows that is who she is, and accepts it, so she is always on her list of people to visit. But it is so hard to be discerning.
The other friend hasn't been home since moving here, and will be going back to the States for a month for Christmas. She too can't believe those who were friends when she was at home have abandoned her now. She has evaluated the friendship she had with one other, and now recognises that she was actually the one putting in all the effort, so it's fair to say that her friend wasn't the slightest bit interested in continuing the friendship from afar.
My friend from London has decided not to come back in a hurry, because his mum was so proud of her little boy, that she invited all her friends over to see her precious little (almost 40 year old) son and he wasn't interested in being paraded around and being put on a pedestal - he just wanted to relax, have a few beers and not have to think about being on his best behaviour. He's decided that, as his sister has moved to China, it might be better to convince his mum and dad to meet him in China rather than come that little bit further out here.
As for my friendships, most of my real friends are living afar - London, the United States, Queensland with a few dear locals. When I've been overseas on holidays, the dear locals have kept in contact via Skype, Facebook or email, as do my friends from overseas. It is nice to know that they want to share in my adventures, happiness, worries and sorrows even when I'm not around the corner, as I want to know how their lives, achievements and concerns pan out. It's just what friends do... they make the time and effort to enjoy the people that the care about, and want to share in their happiness and hardships no matter where they are.
So if you want to test a friendship, you don't need to be so dramatic and move or go overseas, just see how often they contact you when you're going through a busy patch and you haven't had the time to contact them. You'll soon see who the true friends are.
So what do these seasoned travellers do when they go home? Who do they decide who to see when they have limited time to be with the ones they love? The more seasoned of the travellers, the South African, who'd been here for over 10 years, said that she only sees those who keep in touch regularly, and the rest were never really friends at all. She'll spend equal time with parents, and the rest will be visiting favourite and new places and catching up with friends who keep in contact frequently. Some of her best friends when they lived in her home country, she hasn't heard from since she first left, leaving her feel hurt and realising that they weren't friends at all. She has one friend, her longest friend of all time, who only contacts her for her birthday and Christmas, but she just knows that is who she is, and accepts it, so she is always on her list of people to visit. But it is so hard to be discerning.
The other friend hasn't been home since moving here, and will be going back to the States for a month for Christmas. She too can't believe those who were friends when she was at home have abandoned her now. She has evaluated the friendship she had with one other, and now recognises that she was actually the one putting in all the effort, so it's fair to say that her friend wasn't the slightest bit interested in continuing the friendship from afar.
My friend from London has decided not to come back in a hurry, because his mum was so proud of her little boy, that she invited all her friends over to see her precious little (almost 40 year old) son and he wasn't interested in being paraded around and being put on a pedestal - he just wanted to relax, have a few beers and not have to think about being on his best behaviour. He's decided that, as his sister has moved to China, it might be better to convince his mum and dad to meet him in China rather than come that little bit further out here.
As for my friendships, most of my real friends are living afar - London, the United States, Queensland with a few dear locals. When I've been overseas on holidays, the dear locals have kept in contact via Skype, Facebook or email, as do my friends from overseas. It is nice to know that they want to share in my adventures, happiness, worries and sorrows even when I'm not around the corner, as I want to know how their lives, achievements and concerns pan out. It's just what friends do... they make the time and effort to enjoy the people that the care about, and want to share in their happiness and hardships no matter where they are.
So if you want to test a friendship, you don't need to be so dramatic and move or go overseas, just see how often they contact you when you're going through a busy patch and you haven't had the time to contact them. You'll soon see who the true friends are.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
How do you tell someone you're just not interested?
A friend of mine had a one-night stand from an internet dating site about 2 years ago. After a couple of hours text chatting, but not seeing each other on the site, they decided to meet, as it had been months for both of them since they last had sex. They agreed that it wouldn't get weird, it was just one night of fun and that's all it would be.
They met at a 'family restaurant' half way between each other's homes. They ordered some non-alcoholic beverages and chatted for about an hour. He was kind of cute, in a straight 'mummy' kind of way. But she had convinced herself that she would get some dick between her legs before the night was out, and he was her only chance. They didn't touch or kiss at the restaurant, but she could tell he was happy with his internet find. He followed her home in his car, texting each other as they drove. Him asking 'are we there yet?' She telling him that they are on a wild goose chase.
They get back to her home, stand opposite each other awkwardly, and he walks up to her like an inexperienced teenager (not a man who'd just hit 40) and kissed her with a little bit too much slobber. It was the first time she'd kissed a man passionately since she'd left her husband, and it was not what she expected. She let it go, hungry to get him to go into unchartered territory (well, territory that hadn't been chartered for months!)
They went to her bedroom, took their clothes off, she lay on the bed, and he kneeled at the end of the bed. He was hard, and she could see he was lustful over her, but he kept having these weird spasms like he was trying not to cum by just looking at her. He put on a condom, crawled on top of her and they had sex.
The spasms continued regularly and were coupled with animalistic noises like some kind of mating call, while he was inside her. He kept kissing her like he wanted to kiss her mouth but missing and getting the rest of her face. After about 10 minutes of fighting back the slobber, she noticed the condom was no longer on. Where is it? Have you got another one? He had already blown his load in one of his outward spasms and she didn't even know. He had no other condom, and he said that he would 'pull out' if he felt the need to go again. It was not the 'connection' she was looking for...
After about an hour, she told him to go home as she needed to get some sleep.
For a month or two later, he would Skype her asking if there was a chance they could meet up again. She told him she wasn't interested. He kept trying to maintain some kind of friendship, and she was willing to text chat as friends, but that was it.
He didn't make any contact for a good nine months, and then he came back. Kept calling her 'beautiful,' saying how much he loved the night with her, wanting to know if he could see her face on Skype. She kept saying no, she's not interested, but he kept persisting, in a very gentlemanly manner. In recent weeks, the contact has gone from once every 2 months to every couple of days, hoping that she will 'give in'. But she's not. How can you go back to someone who pops his cork quicker than you can say boo and has these physical spasms that turn into a vocal roar? That's what dating is all about - trying people on to see if they work for you, and if they don't, you just move on. But he doesn't get that...
She doesn't know what to do besides ignore his calls... the problem is, he is a nice guy, very sweet, but just not the guy for my friend. They have nothing in common and she couldn't possibly start something with someone who is an incredibly bad lover. She wouldn't be true to anyone in the relationship. She doesn't know why he keeps persisting - maybe he's convinced that he's in love with her. Maybe he stalks her and she doesn't even know it. Who knows? But his recent spurt of constant contact is upsetting my friend. She knows she needs to cut the friendship, but doesn't want to hurt him. Ignorance is possibly the best chance to let him slip away without being overly hurtful.
Love to have any feedback on other ways to give him a clue that there is no more hanky panky between him and my friend. Feel free to comment :)
They met at a 'family restaurant' half way between each other's homes. They ordered some non-alcoholic beverages and chatted for about an hour. He was kind of cute, in a straight 'mummy' kind of way. But she had convinced herself that she would get some dick between her legs before the night was out, and he was her only chance. They didn't touch or kiss at the restaurant, but she could tell he was happy with his internet find. He followed her home in his car, texting each other as they drove. Him asking 'are we there yet?' She telling him that they are on a wild goose chase.
They get back to her home, stand opposite each other awkwardly, and he walks up to her like an inexperienced teenager (not a man who'd just hit 40) and kissed her with a little bit too much slobber. It was the first time she'd kissed a man passionately since she'd left her husband, and it was not what she expected. She let it go, hungry to get him to go into unchartered territory (well, territory that hadn't been chartered for months!)
They went to her bedroom, took their clothes off, she lay on the bed, and he kneeled at the end of the bed. He was hard, and she could see he was lustful over her, but he kept having these weird spasms like he was trying not to cum by just looking at her. He put on a condom, crawled on top of her and they had sex.
The spasms continued regularly and were coupled with animalistic noises like some kind of mating call, while he was inside her. He kept kissing her like he wanted to kiss her mouth but missing and getting the rest of her face. After about 10 minutes of fighting back the slobber, she noticed the condom was no longer on. Where is it? Have you got another one? He had already blown his load in one of his outward spasms and she didn't even know. He had no other condom, and he said that he would 'pull out' if he felt the need to go again. It was not the 'connection' she was looking for...
After about an hour, she told him to go home as she needed to get some sleep.
For a month or two later, he would Skype her asking if there was a chance they could meet up again. She told him she wasn't interested. He kept trying to maintain some kind of friendship, and she was willing to text chat as friends, but that was it.
He didn't make any contact for a good nine months, and then he came back. Kept calling her 'beautiful,' saying how much he loved the night with her, wanting to know if he could see her face on Skype. She kept saying no, she's not interested, but he kept persisting, in a very gentlemanly manner. In recent weeks, the contact has gone from once every 2 months to every couple of days, hoping that she will 'give in'. But she's not. How can you go back to someone who pops his cork quicker than you can say boo and has these physical spasms that turn into a vocal roar? That's what dating is all about - trying people on to see if they work for you, and if they don't, you just move on. But he doesn't get that...
She doesn't know what to do besides ignore his calls... the problem is, he is a nice guy, very sweet, but just not the guy for my friend. They have nothing in common and she couldn't possibly start something with someone who is an incredibly bad lover. She wouldn't be true to anyone in the relationship. She doesn't know why he keeps persisting - maybe he's convinced that he's in love with her. Maybe he stalks her and she doesn't even know it. Who knows? But his recent spurt of constant contact is upsetting my friend. She knows she needs to cut the friendship, but doesn't want to hurt him. Ignorance is possibly the best chance to let him slip away without being overly hurtful.
Love to have any feedback on other ways to give him a clue that there is no more hanky panky between him and my friend. Feel free to comment :)
Monday, 17 October 2011
The Boy vs Girl Debate
Tis the time for friends and family to be pregnant again. There was a drought in my life of newborns entering the world for five to six years, and recently the news seems to be popping out with unexpected 'accidents' for those you thought had closed up shop.
So for those who have had their brood many moons ago and going back for thirds and fourths as they approach forty (or enter their forties), there is an overwhelming urge to find out the sex of the child, as life is too busy to not be prepared. And interestingly enough, for those who I know have 'found out', there will be a little army of girls parading around this earth in the next one-four months.
So here asks the question... what is better - a boy or a girl?
My sister, who had her first child at the age of 20 (a boy) who is approaching 14 years old, gave birth to her second child, a little girl the day after her son's 13th birthday, and now is expecting twin girls in February next year. When she announced that she had found out that she was having girls today via text message, she said 'watch out those teenage years!' So, is it fair to say that most parents fear daughters in their teenage years, and not worry as much for their sons? Is that because girls approach puberty earlier, and it hits parents like a bomb shell when one day their innocent little girl is dressed up in pigtails and pretty pink dresses, and the next day she's attached to her cell phone waiting for a boy to call her and doing things you were too scared to do at the age of fourteen, but seem to be all the rage now?
Is there a double standard in our children's teen years, that if a boy loses his virginity at the age of fifteen he's considered a hero even by his parents, whereas if a girl does it, she's considered a slut? And is that double standard there, because it's never the boy who's 'carrying the calf?'
I must admit, I am so glad I have two boys. I was never a girlie girl anyway, and I can't stand all the hairdos, the frilly dresses, the endless amount of shoes, the desire to wear makeup - all the things that make girls grow up ten times faster than boys. My ten year old and eight year old laugh at the word 'sex' and any variation of it. My ten year old has an idea what it's all about, my eight year has really no idea, accept it has something to do with a penis and a vagina. They get the ideas from watching 'The Simpsons' and movies like 'Austin Powers' where most the jokes go over their heads. And if they ask questions, I give them the truth... I don't dillydally around to protect them, especially with all the hype these days of sexual molestation happening in schools, sports groups, etc. They need to know what's acceptable and that they have the right over their own bodies.
If you ask them if they have a girlfriend at school or like any girl, the concept of 'girl germs' is still thrusted deep into their conscious, showing me that there is no way they are interested. And that's fine.. they will be interested whenever they are ready. But girls are different... they already have their eye on a boy in their class. I remember my first crush was in Grade One, but by Grade Four this gorgeous little Greek boy started at my school and he was always going to be the one for me (it never happened, however it almost did once - we had a school reunion when I was in Year 11, and he wanted to go on a date with me after the reunion, but I had said 'no', as I already had a boyfriend).
The main complaint with having a boy is that they are full of energy, all the time. It's hard to keep up and it's exhausting, especially for older parents, but somehow we cope and do what's needed for them.
We are all different, and we all want our 'mummy's little boy' or 'daddy's little girl.' And we do need even numbers of them to make the world go round. In the end, we are happy with what life dealt us and wouldn't know what we'd do without our precious babies, and we support them and love them in the best way we know possible and help them on their journey in life, if it's what we wanted or not.
So for those who have had their brood many moons ago and going back for thirds and fourths as they approach forty (or enter their forties), there is an overwhelming urge to find out the sex of the child, as life is too busy to not be prepared. And interestingly enough, for those who I know have 'found out', there will be a little army of girls parading around this earth in the next one-four months.
So here asks the question... what is better - a boy or a girl?
My sister, who had her first child at the age of 20 (a boy) who is approaching 14 years old, gave birth to her second child, a little girl the day after her son's 13th birthday, and now is expecting twin girls in February next year. When she announced that she had found out that she was having girls today via text message, she said 'watch out those teenage years!' So, is it fair to say that most parents fear daughters in their teenage years, and not worry as much for their sons? Is that because girls approach puberty earlier, and it hits parents like a bomb shell when one day their innocent little girl is dressed up in pigtails and pretty pink dresses, and the next day she's attached to her cell phone waiting for a boy to call her and doing things you were too scared to do at the age of fourteen, but seem to be all the rage now?
Is there a double standard in our children's teen years, that if a boy loses his virginity at the age of fifteen he's considered a hero even by his parents, whereas if a girl does it, she's considered a slut? And is that double standard there, because it's never the boy who's 'carrying the calf?'
I must admit, I am so glad I have two boys. I was never a girlie girl anyway, and I can't stand all the hairdos, the frilly dresses, the endless amount of shoes, the desire to wear makeup - all the things that make girls grow up ten times faster than boys. My ten year old and eight year old laugh at the word 'sex' and any variation of it. My ten year old has an idea what it's all about, my eight year has really no idea, accept it has something to do with a penis and a vagina. They get the ideas from watching 'The Simpsons' and movies like 'Austin Powers' where most the jokes go over their heads. And if they ask questions, I give them the truth... I don't dillydally around to protect them, especially with all the hype these days of sexual molestation happening in schools, sports groups, etc. They need to know what's acceptable and that they have the right over their own bodies.
If you ask them if they have a girlfriend at school or like any girl, the concept of 'girl germs' is still thrusted deep into their conscious, showing me that there is no way they are interested. And that's fine.. they will be interested whenever they are ready. But girls are different... they already have their eye on a boy in their class. I remember my first crush was in Grade One, but by Grade Four this gorgeous little Greek boy started at my school and he was always going to be the one for me (it never happened, however it almost did once - we had a school reunion when I was in Year 11, and he wanted to go on a date with me after the reunion, but I had said 'no', as I already had a boyfriend).
The main complaint with having a boy is that they are full of energy, all the time. It's hard to keep up and it's exhausting, especially for older parents, but somehow we cope and do what's needed for them.
We are all different, and we all want our 'mummy's little boy' or 'daddy's little girl.' And we do need even numbers of them to make the world go round. In the end, we are happy with what life dealt us and wouldn't know what we'd do without our precious babies, and we support them and love them in the best way we know possible and help them on their journey in life, if it's what we wanted or not.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
The difference between judgement and showing that you care
I've had two interesting conversations with people who are close to me in the past 24 hours. Both people declare that they are concerned about me and want the best for me. Both talking about what I am going to do after I sell my house to finalise my financial settlement with the ex-husband. Both had very different ways of showing their concern and what they believe is best for me. Funnily enough, both people were Capricorns - you'd think they would handle it the same. :)
The first one was a two hour phone conversation that didn't involve any type of listening on his part, only remembering snippets of conversation I told him 12 months or more ago and using it against me. He rehashed information that was way past its used-by date, verbally abusing friendships I had formed when he hadn't even met the people I was talking about. And I mean, saying the harshest things anyone could possibly say about another person. It was cruel, unfair and totally wrong for someone to pass judgment on people who they didn't even know. Essentially disagreeing with everything that I wanted to do because it didn't suit him. I don't know if it was jealousy on many different levels - career, opportunity or love interest, but for someone who supposedly cares about me, he had a very funny way of showing it.
Then there is the other person, whose conversation started being a phone call, then I spent five hours with her today as she kindly helped me move furniture around to get my house ready for sale. She understands why I need to do what I need to do, she asked intelligent questions to see if I had thought about certain issues, she knew that my reasons for looking into what I want to do was profoundly for my career and to give my children new hope for their educational needs. She knew that I had issues on several different levels that I needed to overcome and knew that I need to make a change to move on with my life and not look back. She was kind and considerate to my feelings, something that would never have happened 10 years ago with this person. So for that, I am overly appreciative and genuinely thankful that someone is hearing what I say, and caring about my well-being, rather than if I change my life, how it would affect them.
And then there is the other type of person... the one who have all the answers about what you should do when you're all cashed up, after selling your home, your life, your soul, selling everything besides the clothes on your back. Invest your money this way, roll over your home loan into another place, move to a different area, live at your parents until you have enough deposit so you can buy again... really? Does anyone really know who you are and what's best for you? Do they listen to what you've been telling them for years?
No... it's very rare to find someone who truly knows how to 'listen.' It's not just listening with your ears, it's listening with your eyes and heart... seeing the mood swings, the desperation, the denial and the desires in their face, and feeling their thoughts through the passion in they way they convey their words. It's not thinking about what you want to say after someone is talking to you, it's listening when they are talking and giving them your undivided attention. Listening is an art, and not many people can do it well...
So judgment is conveyed by those imposing their lives on you - how you change your life and what it means to them; where as someone who truly cares will give you their undivided attention and realise that you've put a lot of thought into what you need to do for yourself and they will give you their support, no matter how much it affects them or not. They realise it is not their lives that it boldly affects, it is your life, and you have to do the best thing you can do for you and your kids.
I guess variety (of opinion) gives you the spice of life, but only you can make the decision that forms what you do with your life.
The first one was a two hour phone conversation that didn't involve any type of listening on his part, only remembering snippets of conversation I told him 12 months or more ago and using it against me. He rehashed information that was way past its used-by date, verbally abusing friendships I had formed when he hadn't even met the people I was talking about. And I mean, saying the harshest things anyone could possibly say about another person. It was cruel, unfair and totally wrong for someone to pass judgment on people who they didn't even know. Essentially disagreeing with everything that I wanted to do because it didn't suit him. I don't know if it was jealousy on many different levels - career, opportunity or love interest, but for someone who supposedly cares about me, he had a very funny way of showing it.
Then there is the other person, whose conversation started being a phone call, then I spent five hours with her today as she kindly helped me move furniture around to get my house ready for sale. She understands why I need to do what I need to do, she asked intelligent questions to see if I had thought about certain issues, she knew that my reasons for looking into what I want to do was profoundly for my career and to give my children new hope for their educational needs. She knew that I had issues on several different levels that I needed to overcome and knew that I need to make a change to move on with my life and not look back. She was kind and considerate to my feelings, something that would never have happened 10 years ago with this person. So for that, I am overly appreciative and genuinely thankful that someone is hearing what I say, and caring about my well-being, rather than if I change my life, how it would affect them.
And then there is the other type of person... the one who have all the answers about what you should do when you're all cashed up, after selling your home, your life, your soul, selling everything besides the clothes on your back. Invest your money this way, roll over your home loan into another place, move to a different area, live at your parents until you have enough deposit so you can buy again... really? Does anyone really know who you are and what's best for you? Do they listen to what you've been telling them for years?
No... it's very rare to find someone who truly knows how to 'listen.' It's not just listening with your ears, it's listening with your eyes and heart... seeing the mood swings, the desperation, the denial and the desires in their face, and feeling their thoughts through the passion in they way they convey their words. It's not thinking about what you want to say after someone is talking to you, it's listening when they are talking and giving them your undivided attention. Listening is an art, and not many people can do it well...
So judgment is conveyed by those imposing their lives on you - how you change your life and what it means to them; where as someone who truly cares will give you their undivided attention and realise that you've put a lot of thought into what you need to do for yourself and they will give you their support, no matter how much it affects them or not. They realise it is not their lives that it boldly affects, it is your life, and you have to do the best thing you can do for you and your kids.
I guess variety (of opinion) gives you the spice of life, but only you can make the decision that forms what you do with your life.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
The King Size Bed
Hands up all those who sleep in a king size bed? Why did you buy it? For the extra space? Because the kids like to sleep with you? Because you have pets who like to snuggle up to you? What is it that is so appealing about a king size bed...
To me, it's a symbol of separation. Unless you are over 6 foot tall, 6 foot wide or you have a Great Dane who shares your bed with you, there is no reason why 'happy couples' should have a king size bed.
Your bed should be a place of rest, relaxation and spiritual and sexual awareness. It's supposed to be a place of intimacy and love. How can a couple have that invigorating closeness if you are half a world away on the other side of the bed?
A king size bed is cold and heartless. The bed sheets are separated at the shoulders leaving gaping holes of cold air coming between you as you sleep. It gives you chills, it weakens your immune system, gives you sleep deprivation because you can't seem to get enough duvet to cover yourself as the blanket hog rips it over to the other side, and really, it makes you question the strength of your intimacy. While he's watching the football on television on one side of the bed, you get stuck into the latest James Patterson thriller on your side, and for some reason you don't interrupt each other, and you get complacent about the space. Where is the intimacy in that?
So, say sometimes you find yourselves together in the middle somewhere, or he invades your side, or you invade his. You have your hanky panky, roll over and there is a huge ocean full of bed that awaits you that's cold and uninviting and destroys the whole sense of passion and intimacy that you've just created. What's with that? Unless there's a massive wet spot that you both want to avoid, so you are happy to wander over and warm up the other side of the bed!
Ahh, maybe that's it - a king size bed is to avoid the wet spot! Or maybe half the fun is creating wet spots all over the oversized bed, making sure not one inch of 400 thread Egyptian cotton fitted sheet has not gone without some bodily juices!
To be honest, I'm not convinced. I'm happy with my queen size bed, that's warm and snuggly, within half an arm's reach of my lover (rather than a full reach and I still can't touch them), gives us the real opportunity to spoon, be able to wake up in the morning and feel him breathe on me, feel his touch, and know that we don't need to scooch over to 'be together' when we've made the entire bed feel warm, not just the place where our bodies have lain overnight.
So now you'll look at the king size bed differently... You won't be jealous of the luxury that a king size bed offers anymore, you'll be thinking about how strong the love of those who sleep in it, really is...
To me, it's a symbol of separation. Unless you are over 6 foot tall, 6 foot wide or you have a Great Dane who shares your bed with you, there is no reason why 'happy couples' should have a king size bed.
Your bed should be a place of rest, relaxation and spiritual and sexual awareness. It's supposed to be a place of intimacy and love. How can a couple have that invigorating closeness if you are half a world away on the other side of the bed?
A king size bed is cold and heartless. The bed sheets are separated at the shoulders leaving gaping holes of cold air coming between you as you sleep. It gives you chills, it weakens your immune system, gives you sleep deprivation because you can't seem to get enough duvet to cover yourself as the blanket hog rips it over to the other side, and really, it makes you question the strength of your intimacy. While he's watching the football on television on one side of the bed, you get stuck into the latest James Patterson thriller on your side, and for some reason you don't interrupt each other, and you get complacent about the space. Where is the intimacy in that?
So, say sometimes you find yourselves together in the middle somewhere, or he invades your side, or you invade his. You have your hanky panky, roll over and there is a huge ocean full of bed that awaits you that's cold and uninviting and destroys the whole sense of passion and intimacy that you've just created. What's with that? Unless there's a massive wet spot that you both want to avoid, so you are happy to wander over and warm up the other side of the bed!
Ahh, maybe that's it - a king size bed is to avoid the wet spot! Or maybe half the fun is creating wet spots all over the oversized bed, making sure not one inch of 400 thread Egyptian cotton fitted sheet has not gone without some bodily juices!
To be honest, I'm not convinced. I'm happy with my queen size bed, that's warm and snuggly, within half an arm's reach of my lover (rather than a full reach and I still can't touch them), gives us the real opportunity to spoon, be able to wake up in the morning and feel him breathe on me, feel his touch, and know that we don't need to scooch over to 'be together' when we've made the entire bed feel warm, not just the place where our bodies have lain overnight.
So now you'll look at the king size bed differently... You won't be jealous of the luxury that a king size bed offers anymore, you'll be thinking about how strong the love of those who sleep in it, really is...
Sunday, 9 October 2011
The unhappily married man...
When I split with my husband, I played with the anonymous internet dating websites. It wasn't that I was attracted to one status of man over another, however I managed to have the more interesting conversations with 'unhappily married men.'
Most of the men had been in their relationships, marriages, for fifteen plus years, but even though they were unhappy, they would prefer to have intimate conversation with a stranger than tell their fears and passions to their wives. But they wouldn't dare leave their wives, they wanted the unhappiness to continue, because they were too gutless to start a new life with shared custody of the kids, alimony, child support and a chance to find true happiness.
As I go through the turmoil of financial separation, child custody and the constant uneasiness of the whole situation, you can understand why it's hard for them to leave. Being the main bread-winner of a family is the worst position to be in in a family separation, and most of these men are in this position. The Family Court in Australia does not acknowledge that the other partner has a university degree, has the ability to make a decent income but doesn't because they want to persecute their former partner by making them pay for everything for the term of their children's childhood, and the Family Court expects that every each person in the relationship must live the same lifestyle they were accustomed to in the marriage. How is that actually ever possible?
So these men feel trapped in their marriages, trapped in an unhappiness of nagging, lost sexual appetites, routine and nothing to look forward to. So they get lost in their work, their kid's sporting activities while the conversations they have with their wives are monotonous and argumentative.
In Australia, the statistics are 60% of all marriages are broken up because the wife chooses to leave, with most wives knowing that they will be significantly worse off financially, 35% of all marriages are broken up as a joint decision, and only 5% of marriage failures are men leaving their marriages. I'm sure the statistics are similar in other westernised countries, however their seems to be harsher penalties for men who don't live up to their family responsibilities, including jail in the United States and the United Kingdom.
Beyond Blue, Australia's main charity for depression, states that one of the symptoms of depression is living in a long-term abusive or uncaring relationship. So you can understand why these men stay in their demoralising marriages, become depressed and start to cheat to make themselves feel desirable again. They choose between going down the spiralling vortex into a deeper depression, or find a new happy place to ensure they don't become depressed. I'm not saying that I agree with what they do, I just can understand how they get there... because I was the main breadwinner in my marriage, I was treated with no respect and I was constantly demoralised, and some how I thought that the Family Court would commend me for being the financially responsible one and for being the parent who stuck by my children when their father didn't want to spend time with them or contact them. But they don't.
So behind all the walls of illusion, there are probably many unhappy marriages between your friends and family, most that go unspoken. But if you really care about your friend or family member and notice a change in their behaviour, change in their attitude or change in how they interact with their partner, be the best friend you can be, and just ask them how things are going, show that you care. Because talking about it is the first step to future happiness.
Most of the men had been in their relationships, marriages, for fifteen plus years, but even though they were unhappy, they would prefer to have intimate conversation with a stranger than tell their fears and passions to their wives. But they wouldn't dare leave their wives, they wanted the unhappiness to continue, because they were too gutless to start a new life with shared custody of the kids, alimony, child support and a chance to find true happiness.
As I go through the turmoil of financial separation, child custody and the constant uneasiness of the whole situation, you can understand why it's hard for them to leave. Being the main bread-winner of a family is the worst position to be in in a family separation, and most of these men are in this position. The Family Court in Australia does not acknowledge that the other partner has a university degree, has the ability to make a decent income but doesn't because they want to persecute their former partner by making them pay for everything for the term of their children's childhood, and the Family Court expects that every each person in the relationship must live the same lifestyle they were accustomed to in the marriage. How is that actually ever possible?
So these men feel trapped in their marriages, trapped in an unhappiness of nagging, lost sexual appetites, routine and nothing to look forward to. So they get lost in their work, their kid's sporting activities while the conversations they have with their wives are monotonous and argumentative.
In Australia, the statistics are 60% of all marriages are broken up because the wife chooses to leave, with most wives knowing that they will be significantly worse off financially, 35% of all marriages are broken up as a joint decision, and only 5% of marriage failures are men leaving their marriages. I'm sure the statistics are similar in other westernised countries, however their seems to be harsher penalties for men who don't live up to their family responsibilities, including jail in the United States and the United Kingdom.
Beyond Blue, Australia's main charity for depression, states that one of the symptoms of depression is living in a long-term abusive or uncaring relationship. So you can understand why these men stay in their demoralising marriages, become depressed and start to cheat to make themselves feel desirable again. They choose between going down the spiralling vortex into a deeper depression, or find a new happy place to ensure they don't become depressed. I'm not saying that I agree with what they do, I just can understand how they get there... because I was the main breadwinner in my marriage, I was treated with no respect and I was constantly demoralised, and some how I thought that the Family Court would commend me for being the financially responsible one and for being the parent who stuck by my children when their father didn't want to spend time with them or contact them. But they don't.
So behind all the walls of illusion, there are probably many unhappy marriages between your friends and family, most that go unspoken. But if you really care about your friend or family member and notice a change in their behaviour, change in their attitude or change in how they interact with their partner, be the best friend you can be, and just ask them how things are going, show that you care. Because talking about it is the first step to future happiness.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Do You Ever Think if You Did Something Differently?
Was there every a time that you wished you took a different turn in life, how different would you life be now? What was that definitive point?
For me, I was accepted into two different universities. One in Melbourne, the one I took; the other in New South Wales. I applied to interstate courses because I was desperate to be away from the constraints of what I felt then, was the disciplinary ways of my parents. I'd just spent four years travelling an hour to school each way giving me endless freedom to 'miss a train' or two to catch up with friends instead of going home. I couldn't revert back to a life of restraint and knowing or explaining my whereabouts every minute of every day. I just knew I needed to start living my life, for me.
The degree I was offered in New South Wales, was a Bachelor in Communications. I'd already spent a week in Sydney with a friend of mine in the middle of my final year of school, checking out the Australian Film, Television and Radio School, because I wanted to get into their prestigious Commercial Radio training course, but I applied for other courses in Communications and Media Studies if that fell through. I had to audition to get into the Commercial Radio training course and actually got to the second stage, but unfortunately didn't get through.
I was keen to do the Communications degree and thought about all the logistics in moving up, the cost of living, getting a job, etc to make it happen. But then I met the future husband, started doing some promotional work for a commercial radio station with some radio celebrities in Melbourne and around Victoria, and the Melbourne Bachelor of Arts with a major in Media Studies all of a sudden became more appealing.
So what would have happened if I took the Communications course? How would life be different? I know I would be a stronger person because I would have had to fend for myself. But, that's something I could speculate till the cows come home.
The other thing that was a definitive point in my life that should have changed my course of action, was when my 'then husband' confessed how scared he was becoming a father. He was afraid that he would be like his own father, and he wouldn't know how to control his temper, what to do with a baby, what to do with them when they were older... I just didn't listen. He didn't want them, but I was so desperate to be a mother, and I wanted the two kids I dreamed about before I was thirty. It should have been my cue to get out of the relationship because we wanted different things, but I kept pursuing it because I was scared of being alone, I wasn't strong enough to be able to see that I was being taken advantage of. I was also scared of not being loved.
I now realise that I had my boys to be loved unconditionally, and having them now, I have no regrets in the path I took. Life has dealt me some heavy blows, but I now believe I have the strength to deal with doing it on my own. It's still hard because there is still so much uncertainty, but I know I can do it, because that's the path I'm destined to live. And that's what I have to believe...
For me, I was accepted into two different universities. One in Melbourne, the one I took; the other in New South Wales. I applied to interstate courses because I was desperate to be away from the constraints of what I felt then, was the disciplinary ways of my parents. I'd just spent four years travelling an hour to school each way giving me endless freedom to 'miss a train' or two to catch up with friends instead of going home. I couldn't revert back to a life of restraint and knowing or explaining my whereabouts every minute of every day. I just knew I needed to start living my life, for me.
The degree I was offered in New South Wales, was a Bachelor in Communications. I'd already spent a week in Sydney with a friend of mine in the middle of my final year of school, checking out the Australian Film, Television and Radio School, because I wanted to get into their prestigious Commercial Radio training course, but I applied for other courses in Communications and Media Studies if that fell through. I had to audition to get into the Commercial Radio training course and actually got to the second stage, but unfortunately didn't get through.
I was keen to do the Communications degree and thought about all the logistics in moving up, the cost of living, getting a job, etc to make it happen. But then I met the future husband, started doing some promotional work for a commercial radio station with some radio celebrities in Melbourne and around Victoria, and the Melbourne Bachelor of Arts with a major in Media Studies all of a sudden became more appealing.
So what would have happened if I took the Communications course? How would life be different? I know I would be a stronger person because I would have had to fend for myself. But, that's something I could speculate till the cows come home.
The other thing that was a definitive point in my life that should have changed my course of action, was when my 'then husband' confessed how scared he was becoming a father. He was afraid that he would be like his own father, and he wouldn't know how to control his temper, what to do with a baby, what to do with them when they were older... I just didn't listen. He didn't want them, but I was so desperate to be a mother, and I wanted the two kids I dreamed about before I was thirty. It should have been my cue to get out of the relationship because we wanted different things, but I kept pursuing it because I was scared of being alone, I wasn't strong enough to be able to see that I was being taken advantage of. I was also scared of not being loved.
I now realise that I had my boys to be loved unconditionally, and having them now, I have no regrets in the path I took. Life has dealt me some heavy blows, but I now believe I have the strength to deal with doing it on my own. It's still hard because there is still so much uncertainty, but I know I can do it, because that's the path I'm destined to live. And that's what I have to believe...
Friday, 7 October 2011
Finally.... I get to spend some quality time with my boys in the school holidays
It only took till the last two days of the holidays. Well actually, I did manage to take them to a movie on the first weekend, but since then, it's been work work work for me, a few playdates with friends, and a lot of TV, Wii and jumping on the trampoline in between for them.
On Thursday night, I took them to see 'Real Steel' - the Hugh Jackman movie about boxing robots. I was not too excited about seeing it, as I'm not really into boxing and robots ain't my thing, but I thought - 'No, this is for the boys, and this is what they want to do.' So we went - and I loved it!! There was a very cool 11 year old boy in the film who is originally rejected by his father (Hugh Jackman), but has the courage to make a stance and tell him that he is going with his Dad on the road to fight the boxing robots. As we only had 20 minutes before the movie started at 6.30pm, I grabbed a bowl of chips from the local Deli to take us through to the end of the movie, which was actually quite long (2 hours 7 minutes + previews). After the movie, we went to see if the local fish n chip shop was still open, but it wasn't, so we went back to the Deli and grabbed some normal dinner and talked about how cool the movie was.
On Wednesday, it was looking like I could have a 'free-from-work' day on Friday to spend with the boys. I asked them what they wanted to do and the choice was mini-golf. At 5.30pm Thursday, I get a last minute job to see for Friday (which annoyed me to no end), but I managed to make the appointment time for 7.45am, and had it written up by 9.15am, so I could dedicate some more time to the boys. But then I had accounts to do, approvals to get and appointments to make for next week, taking me to close to midday before I was finished.
I wanted to find a new place for mini-golf, so I went to the internet and discovered 'glow in the dark' mini golf in the Docklands. Why not? A little adventure into a part of the city we've never ventured before. We jumped on a bus that took us to Moorabbin train station rather than our normal Sandringham line, grabbed a toasted sandwich at the station kiosk, and jumped on the train to the city. It was a little bit of a walk to the Docklands from Southern Cross station, but it was nice spotting the marble seagull, the spotted cow in the tree and the luxury boats on the waterfront.
We couldn't believe how quiet the Docklands were. It was like a ghost town of shops trying to stay open. We eventually found our way to Harbourtown, where Black Light Mini Golf can be found on the first level. They had a distinctive Australian theme of the Barrier Reef, an outback dunny, a rusted up Kingswood and the rainforests, to name a few. The putters and golf balls glowed, as did our clothes and plenty of the obstacles. There were 'spinners' on some of the holes that allowed you to get advantages over your opponents, but also disadvantages... here is Kurtis taking advantage of blocking Nick on the obstacle course around the snake.
On Thursday night, I took them to see 'Real Steel' - the Hugh Jackman movie about boxing robots. I was not too excited about seeing it, as I'm not really into boxing and robots ain't my thing, but I thought - 'No, this is for the boys, and this is what they want to do.' So we went - and I loved it!! There was a very cool 11 year old boy in the film who is originally rejected by his father (Hugh Jackman), but has the courage to make a stance and tell him that he is going with his Dad on the road to fight the boxing robots. As we only had 20 minutes before the movie started at 6.30pm, I grabbed a bowl of chips from the local Deli to take us through to the end of the movie, which was actually quite long (2 hours 7 minutes + previews). After the movie, we went to see if the local fish n chip shop was still open, but it wasn't, so we went back to the Deli and grabbed some normal dinner and talked about how cool the movie was.
On Wednesday, it was looking like I could have a 'free-from-work' day on Friday to spend with the boys. I asked them what they wanted to do and the choice was mini-golf. At 5.30pm Thursday, I get a last minute job to see for Friday (which annoyed me to no end), but I managed to make the appointment time for 7.45am, and had it written up by 9.15am, so I could dedicate some more time to the boys. But then I had accounts to do, approvals to get and appointments to make for next week, taking me to close to midday before I was finished.
I wanted to find a new place for mini-golf, so I went to the internet and discovered 'glow in the dark' mini golf in the Docklands. Why not? A little adventure into a part of the city we've never ventured before. We jumped on a bus that took us to Moorabbin train station rather than our normal Sandringham line, grabbed a toasted sandwich at the station kiosk, and jumped on the train to the city. It was a little bit of a walk to the Docklands from Southern Cross station, but it was nice spotting the marble seagull, the spotted cow in the tree and the luxury boats on the waterfront.
We couldn't believe how quiet the Docklands were. It was like a ghost town of shops trying to stay open. We eventually found our way to Harbourtown, where Black Light Mini Golf can be found on the first level. They had a distinctive Australian theme of the Barrier Reef, an outback dunny, a rusted up Kingswood and the rainforests, to name a few. The putters and golf balls glowed, as did our clothes and plenty of the obstacles. There were 'spinners' on some of the holes that allowed you to get advantages over your opponents, but also disadvantages... here is Kurtis taking advantage of blocking Nick on the obstacle course around the snake.
This outback outhouse has a peeking hole and some funny sound effects.
The beaten up Kingswood somehow takes your ball, but gives it back to you.
So it was a fun adventure, where somehow I lost the game and Kurtis won a handsome defeat.
We then walked around Harbourtown looking at some of the shops and grabbed a milkshake, before setting off home on a pre-peak hour train.
So, that was our time together... I just wish I could give them more.
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Trust Issues
Single parents who have sole custody, possibly get the rawest deal. You are the only bread-winner, you are the primary carer, you are the chief housekeeper, the household accountant and somehow, you need to keep your head together and your chin up. There's rarely a day to have a social life outside the life of your children, and there is absolutely no time to find a new chance in love. But then there are other things that complicate the scenario.
You split with your ex for a reason - somewhere along the line, your trust was compromised. For me, it was the unfathomable lies and unfulfilled promises that made me realise that I couldn't trust him anymore. There were other trust issues that I won't go into, but if there isn't 'trust', there isn't a relationship. And it's hard to find the trust again in a relationship. You become cynical of people's intentions (or lack of intentions) because you open up your heart to anyone who will listen, because you don't have anyone on your side anymore. You are your right, left, good, bad and indifferent sides all in one. Who do you turn to to confide in?
Some have their parents, a sibling or a best friend. But even those people turn on you.... they freely offer you their judgment calls, but ultimately, as a single parent, you are the chief decision maker. You are the one who has to make the decision to buy the car, choose a home for your children, choose which school they go to. You want to confide in someone to feel that you are making the right decision, but you find it hard to confide when everyone around you is batting you down with their judgment calls. So you stop doing it, because you feel that you're doing nothing right by yourself or your kids, because no one is accepting what you want to do. Some feel it's daunting, other's feel it's liberating. And once you have that freedom in being the chief decision maker, it's very hard to hand it over or share the load with someone else again, because you've lost all sense in trust.
But sometimes it's all too overwhelming, and you want to depend on someone. You want to be hugged, you want to have some attention, you want to be treated as a person - not a workhorse, disciplinarian, provider or care-giver. You need to be looked after to, and essentially be given a break. But everyone else is busy in their lives, and you are forgotten.
Every now and again, a spark of help arrives on your doorstep. Someone of family closeness, with a public reputation of being a leader in their field, takes a stand and offers you their help in a professional capacity to help you move on. Someone who you've always leant on as caring, older, wiser uncle figure who you could tell many things that you wouldn't tell your parents, and know that your secret was safe with them. You feel, at last you have a break. Someone is listening, someone of importance who could help sway things your way. You tell them your story, open up, start to trust again... and they turn their back on you, explaining that its not really their field of expertise so they really can't help.
As a single parent, do you have to guard yourself from gullibility? Keep your cards close to your chest and remember that the only person in the world who actually cares for you is 'you?' Do you protect your children from being hurt emotionally from those who pretend to care, because when you really need help, no one is there, so you teach them that they have to rely on themselves and no one else. It's cynical, hurtful, trying and exhausting, because not even the legal system, the education system and the government can be trusted to give you the help you desperately need.
So for all those who know a single mum or dad who's doing it all on their own (no financial help from the children's other parent, no help from immediate family, no help from the government), spare a thought for them and how difficult it is for them to trust again.
You split with your ex for a reason - somewhere along the line, your trust was compromised. For me, it was the unfathomable lies and unfulfilled promises that made me realise that I couldn't trust him anymore. There were other trust issues that I won't go into, but if there isn't 'trust', there isn't a relationship. And it's hard to find the trust again in a relationship. You become cynical of people's intentions (or lack of intentions) because you open up your heart to anyone who will listen, because you don't have anyone on your side anymore. You are your right, left, good, bad and indifferent sides all in one. Who do you turn to to confide in?
Some have their parents, a sibling or a best friend. But even those people turn on you.... they freely offer you their judgment calls, but ultimately, as a single parent, you are the chief decision maker. You are the one who has to make the decision to buy the car, choose a home for your children, choose which school they go to. You want to confide in someone to feel that you are making the right decision, but you find it hard to confide when everyone around you is batting you down with their judgment calls. So you stop doing it, because you feel that you're doing nothing right by yourself or your kids, because no one is accepting what you want to do. Some feel it's daunting, other's feel it's liberating. And once you have that freedom in being the chief decision maker, it's very hard to hand it over or share the load with someone else again, because you've lost all sense in trust.
But sometimes it's all too overwhelming, and you want to depend on someone. You want to be hugged, you want to have some attention, you want to be treated as a person - not a workhorse, disciplinarian, provider or care-giver. You need to be looked after to, and essentially be given a break. But everyone else is busy in their lives, and you are forgotten.
Every now and again, a spark of help arrives on your doorstep. Someone of family closeness, with a public reputation of being a leader in their field, takes a stand and offers you their help in a professional capacity to help you move on. Someone who you've always leant on as caring, older, wiser uncle figure who you could tell many things that you wouldn't tell your parents, and know that your secret was safe with them. You feel, at last you have a break. Someone is listening, someone of importance who could help sway things your way. You tell them your story, open up, start to trust again... and they turn their back on you, explaining that its not really their field of expertise so they really can't help.
As a single parent, do you have to guard yourself from gullibility? Keep your cards close to your chest and remember that the only person in the world who actually cares for you is 'you?' Do you protect your children from being hurt emotionally from those who pretend to care, because when you really need help, no one is there, so you teach them that they have to rely on themselves and no one else. It's cynical, hurtful, trying and exhausting, because not even the legal system, the education system and the government can be trusted to give you the help you desperately need.
So for all those who know a single mum or dad who's doing it all on their own (no financial help from the children's other parent, no help from immediate family, no help from the government), spare a thought for them and how difficult it is for them to trust again.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Finding your true happiness...
When life feels like it's at its tether's end and you can't see the light, it's funny, but somehow your true happiness will shine through the murky uncertainty.
It's currently school holidays... My juggling has been a real task when I still need to work, give my kids some attention, deal with selling up everything, feeling sick with stress and you're doing it all on my own. My kids are fighting, playing, annoying each other, helping around the house and sometimes getting a little break from each other with an invitation to go to a friend's house. Most the time they keep each other company and play well together, but sometimes the whinging and whining gets all too much. But it's the little things that know that you're doing the right thing as a mum, and it supersedes all the overwhelming stuff.
Last Friday night we went out for dinner and it had been raining all day. I found a parking space quite close to the entrance so we could do the big bolt to the car when we were leaving. The boys had a nice dinner, a play in the kid's play area, made themselves a soft-serve ice-cream and were ready to go within an hour. As we stepped out, the rain was pelting down, with the droplets as big as elephant's tears. I had had the car detailed the day before, and I didn't want the boys to get inside the car wet and muddy, so I told them to stay at the covered entrance, I will get the car, and then they can get in, with minimal 'wetness.' As I was about to make my way through the hazy damp H20 missiles, my 8 year old son started to take off his jacket to give to me so that I could cover my head so it wouldn't get wet... just like a true gentleman. A truly proud moment, knowing that he knew how to be considerate and caring to others.
A couple of months ago, I bought the boys some guinea pigs so they could get used to caring and being responsible for a pet. At first, the boys were a little apprehensive with picking them up and petting them, but now they understand their personalities and needs more. Today, little Johnny escaped out of my 8 year old's hands before he could get him in the cage. He hid under the cage, moving around so not to be caught. Eventually, with many hands trapping him into a corner, we caught him to put him back into his home. My 10 year old said 'Johnny's annoying. He's always escaping. Where Speedy is always good.' My 8 year old, who is the official owner of Johnny, said 'Yes, he's annoying like me, and cheeky like me too!' Admittedly, the guinea pigs' personalities are exactly the same as their individual owners. And it's just good to see that my boys are recognising it, and gaining happiness from it.
So for me, my happiness is seeing my boys happy and knowing right from wrong. My other happiness is spending time with my beautiful lover who makes me feel that everything will be OK, and inspires and encourages me to be and stay strong. For me, it's spending time with the people I truly love. I will get through the miserable heartache that I left 2 years ago to move onto a better life, but it's just a matter of time before someone puts a stop to 'him' hurting me and the boys anymore. You have to find the clarity in where your happiness is to make every day worth while, otherwise you just spiral into a vortex of depression, and you can't be any good to those who need you the most. And that's where your focus must be... on those who need you...
It's currently school holidays... My juggling has been a real task when I still need to work, give my kids some attention, deal with selling up everything, feeling sick with stress and you're doing it all on my own. My kids are fighting, playing, annoying each other, helping around the house and sometimes getting a little break from each other with an invitation to go to a friend's house. Most the time they keep each other company and play well together, but sometimes the whinging and whining gets all too much. But it's the little things that know that you're doing the right thing as a mum, and it supersedes all the overwhelming stuff.
Last Friday night we went out for dinner and it had been raining all day. I found a parking space quite close to the entrance so we could do the big bolt to the car when we were leaving. The boys had a nice dinner, a play in the kid's play area, made themselves a soft-serve ice-cream and were ready to go within an hour. As we stepped out, the rain was pelting down, with the droplets as big as elephant's tears. I had had the car detailed the day before, and I didn't want the boys to get inside the car wet and muddy, so I told them to stay at the covered entrance, I will get the car, and then they can get in, with minimal 'wetness.' As I was about to make my way through the hazy damp H20 missiles, my 8 year old son started to take off his jacket to give to me so that I could cover my head so it wouldn't get wet... just like a true gentleman. A truly proud moment, knowing that he knew how to be considerate and caring to others.
A couple of months ago, I bought the boys some guinea pigs so they could get used to caring and being responsible for a pet. At first, the boys were a little apprehensive with picking them up and petting them, but now they understand their personalities and needs more. Today, little Johnny escaped out of my 8 year old's hands before he could get him in the cage. He hid under the cage, moving around so not to be caught. Eventually, with many hands trapping him into a corner, we caught him to put him back into his home. My 10 year old said 'Johnny's annoying. He's always escaping. Where Speedy is always good.' My 8 year old, who is the official owner of Johnny, said 'Yes, he's annoying like me, and cheeky like me too!' Admittedly, the guinea pigs' personalities are exactly the same as their individual owners. And it's just good to see that my boys are recognising it, and gaining happiness from it.
So for me, my happiness is seeing my boys happy and knowing right from wrong. My other happiness is spending time with my beautiful lover who makes me feel that everything will be OK, and inspires and encourages me to be and stay strong. For me, it's spending time with the people I truly love. I will get through the miserable heartache that I left 2 years ago to move onto a better life, but it's just a matter of time before someone puts a stop to 'him' hurting me and the boys anymore. You have to find the clarity in where your happiness is to make every day worth while, otherwise you just spiral into a vortex of depression, and you can't be any good to those who need you the most. And that's where your focus must be... on those who need you...
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Simple Pleasures...
After a strenuous and stressful week of an excessive workload, coming to the realisation that I have to sell everything and my boys on school holidays (which didn't help when the wettest September day hit Melbourne in almost a century), it was time to have some very quiet 'me' time.
To balance out the stress, I've booked myself into Yoga classes for the next few weeks and a fortnightly massage with the lovely Jennifer Berridge at Karma Studio. Karma Studio is a place I observed from afar for eight years, always intriguing me by it's busy corner position and it's calming garden charm. Once inside, the outside noise dissipates and the aromatic smells within, the lush garden views and the instant feeling of feeling like you're 'spiritually' home is just mesmerising. It's definitely something to look forward to being in that presence every week...
As for today, I rose out of bed at 7.45am (6.45am pre-daylight savings time) to start mulching my garden and planting some plants. I had 3.5 cubic metres of mulch to cart around and disperse throughout my garden to tidy it up to sell. I planted some herbs in a boxed off garden bed, and some blue native grasses to offset my blue/grey fence. I put some decked steppers in and mulched away. I'd almost finished at 10am when my boys woke up - just the top garden to go. I was pleasantly surprised at my achievement with my $10 bucket from Bunnings (a wheelbarrow wouldn't have done because I had a couple of steps to deal with). It was nice working at that time of the morning when the air was still crisp and the sun hadn't touched that side of my house yet. The surrounding sounds were a few fleeting birds flying by and the mulch entering the plastic bucket as I raked it in with my hands. The garden was covered by 11am (as my sons' attempts to help slowed the process down), but I still had half the mulch left and it had to go, due to it being dumped in a public laneway. So after a small break, oiling the deck and getting my boys ready to see their father, I spent the next two hours moving the remaining mulch around the garden to create more cushioning and reducing the chances of weeds to poke their heads through. By 1.30pm I had finished... and that's when my simple pleasures began.
I was filthy, so I jumped in the bath and started reading a book I was approximately half way through. I added some bath salts and had the temperature just right. I could feel my body starting to ache from being physical, but it was an exhilarating ache, which always made me feel good. After about half an hour, I jumped out of the bath, grabbed something to eat, and felt the urge to keep reading. I couldn't do it on the back deck, something I always liked to do in the sun, because it was newly oiled, so I found the next best place... my son's west-facing bedroom lying on his bed with the sun streaming through the window.
It brought me back... to my childhood, where the two bedrooms I had growing up where both west facing. Where I always had the hottest room in the house and my bed was always up against the window so I could lie on it reading, listening to music, writing to friends, whatever it was, in the warmth of the sun. So today, I read.... indulging in a hot chocolate and a bowl of M&Ms (I was allowed to, because I'd worked so hard in the garden!) reading the remaining 190 pages to finish my book, in a quiet house with no one interrupting. It was nice, and just what I needed to regain my inner being.
The boys are now home, ready to do their school holiday thing in sleeping on the couch watching television till they pass out, and I'm in the quiet of my own room ready to indulge in some more escapism, this time on the small screen. Sometimes, you just need days like this...
To balance out the stress, I've booked myself into Yoga classes for the next few weeks and a fortnightly massage with the lovely Jennifer Berridge at Karma Studio. Karma Studio is a place I observed from afar for eight years, always intriguing me by it's busy corner position and it's calming garden charm. Once inside, the outside noise dissipates and the aromatic smells within, the lush garden views and the instant feeling of feeling like you're 'spiritually' home is just mesmerising. It's definitely something to look forward to being in that presence every week...
As for today, I rose out of bed at 7.45am (6.45am pre-daylight savings time) to start mulching my garden and planting some plants. I had 3.5 cubic metres of mulch to cart around and disperse throughout my garden to tidy it up to sell. I planted some herbs in a boxed off garden bed, and some blue native grasses to offset my blue/grey fence. I put some decked steppers in and mulched away. I'd almost finished at 10am when my boys woke up - just the top garden to go. I was pleasantly surprised at my achievement with my $10 bucket from Bunnings (a wheelbarrow wouldn't have done because I had a couple of steps to deal with). It was nice working at that time of the morning when the air was still crisp and the sun hadn't touched that side of my house yet. The surrounding sounds were a few fleeting birds flying by and the mulch entering the plastic bucket as I raked it in with my hands. The garden was covered by 11am (as my sons' attempts to help slowed the process down), but I still had half the mulch left and it had to go, due to it being dumped in a public laneway. So after a small break, oiling the deck and getting my boys ready to see their father, I spent the next two hours moving the remaining mulch around the garden to create more cushioning and reducing the chances of weeds to poke their heads through. By 1.30pm I had finished... and that's when my simple pleasures began.
I was filthy, so I jumped in the bath and started reading a book I was approximately half way through. I added some bath salts and had the temperature just right. I could feel my body starting to ache from being physical, but it was an exhilarating ache, which always made me feel good. After about half an hour, I jumped out of the bath, grabbed something to eat, and felt the urge to keep reading. I couldn't do it on the back deck, something I always liked to do in the sun, because it was newly oiled, so I found the next best place... my son's west-facing bedroom lying on his bed with the sun streaming through the window.
It brought me back... to my childhood, where the two bedrooms I had growing up where both west facing. Where I always had the hottest room in the house and my bed was always up against the window so I could lie on it reading, listening to music, writing to friends, whatever it was, in the warmth of the sun. So today, I read.... indulging in a hot chocolate and a bowl of M&Ms (I was allowed to, because I'd worked so hard in the garden!) reading the remaining 190 pages to finish my book, in a quiet house with no one interrupting. It was nice, and just what I needed to regain my inner being.
The boys are now home, ready to do their school holiday thing in sleeping on the couch watching television till they pass out, and I'm in the quiet of my own room ready to indulge in some more escapism, this time on the small screen. Sometimes, you just need days like this...
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