Every night we dream, some we remember, most we forget. It's the one's that we remember that tend to add curiosity to our thoughts throughout the remainder of the day.
I guess, the most important thing to remember about a dream is that the events that take place are a reflection on the dreamer, not necessarily the circumstance that happened in the dream. It could be a hidden desire, an undiscussed hurt, a conglomerate of waking thoughts that manifest into a subconscious thought, how we want things to be, how we fear things to be.
Some of my dreams this year have been bordering on psychic thought, and I tend to run the dreams past those who have been involved, just to know if my dream has any truth to it. I had one dream back in March, that woke me up in a cold sweat and two days later, the truth behind my dream was revealed to be real. I've had dreams that I've disclosed to my best friend and they had a similar dream that same night, involving the same people in similar circumstances. If this happens regularly, does that mean that we have a deep connection with that person, so deep that they could be considered our soul mate? Or is it just that we have similar thought processes going on at the time that our dreams are just exaggerated visions of our conscious thoughts?
I've had a series of dreams recently that I actually haven't been in the scene, I've been more of a 'fly on the wall' looking into the event. I've looked at the plethora of internet dream dictionaries to see what it means, but it comes up with nothing, except that it's about 'me' the dreamer, not the actual circumstance pictured in my dream. I know in my conscious mind, it's how I would like to see the reality. Or it's my mind piecing together the parts of the reality I know and creating my own reality of the situation. But I can only be sure of the reality, if I can share my dreams with others. And I think we all need to be able to do that, to see how much psychic thought we may actually have, or how much nonsense our dreams really are.
But really, all in all, our dreams are either how we want our lives to be or are the fears within our lives. In our conscious thought, our dreams are exactly what we want in life - some of us dream big for wealth, status and celebrity, and some of us dream of happiness, good health and joyous simplicity. Either way, those conscious thoughts come out in our subconscious dreams. I guess it should all be taken with a grain of salt, unless the truth is revealed... :)
Friday, 30 December 2011
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
The Beauty of the Win
Every now and again, as a treat, I buy myself and my boys a scratch lottery ticket. Usually I buy myself a $5 ticket, and the boys each $2 tickets. When I went to the newsagent today, they had run out of $2 tickets, so I bought them both 2 x $1 tickets.
When I came home, I handed the boys their two tickets each. My oldest son, is always impatient, and just scratched away, unfortunately only turning them into trash. My youngest son was in the middle of playing his video game, so he really wasn't interested just yet. I scratched my $5 ticket, and again came up with zilch.
Half an hour or so later, my youngest son decided to scratch one of his tickets. By this time, I had retired to my room to watch my own television. He came up and showed me that he had two $10,000 on his ticket, and was very excited about it. I told him that he needed three for it to be worth anything. So he went back and didn't report back about the second ticket.
After a while, I came to check on my two lovely sons to see what they were up to. I noticed the second ticket partly scratched and just lying on the coffee table. I asked my son why he hadn't completely scratched it. He said that he saw that there was only two $10,000s on it again, and the last number had a five on it, so he didn't bother finishing it. I scratched the remainder of the ticket and discovered that he actually won fifty dollars.
All of a sudden, it was worth something. He was excited and was planning how to spend his win. But I jokingly reminded him that prizes can't be awarded to minors, and as he was only eight, the money had to come to me. He wasn't happy, he thought he'd won the money fair and square... which he did, but I just wanted to see how far I could take him.
Eventually, I gave in and suggested that he can keep the money if he saves half of the money, and then he can spend the other half. He was happy with that. After all, he did get it for nothing, and his brother wasn't getting anything.
When I came home, I handed the boys their two tickets each. My oldest son, is always impatient, and just scratched away, unfortunately only turning them into trash. My youngest son was in the middle of playing his video game, so he really wasn't interested just yet. I scratched my $5 ticket, and again came up with zilch.
Half an hour or so later, my youngest son decided to scratch one of his tickets. By this time, I had retired to my room to watch my own television. He came up and showed me that he had two $10,000 on his ticket, and was very excited about it. I told him that he needed three for it to be worth anything. So he went back and didn't report back about the second ticket.
After a while, I came to check on my two lovely sons to see what they were up to. I noticed the second ticket partly scratched and just lying on the coffee table. I asked my son why he hadn't completely scratched it. He said that he saw that there was only two $10,000s on it again, and the last number had a five on it, so he didn't bother finishing it. I scratched the remainder of the ticket and discovered that he actually won fifty dollars.
All of a sudden, it was worth something. He was excited and was planning how to spend his win. But I jokingly reminded him that prizes can't be awarded to minors, and as he was only eight, the money had to come to me. He wasn't happy, he thought he'd won the money fair and square... which he did, but I just wanted to see how far I could take him.
Eventually, I gave in and suggested that he can keep the money if he saves half of the money, and then he can spend the other half. He was happy with that. After all, he did get it for nothing, and his brother wasn't getting anything.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
How the innocent rekindle the family spirit
As you all know, my boys are ten and eight. They are still so very innocent in many ways, but they are developing their worldly ways at a rate of knots. They are starting to become opinionated, defending their reasons and learning the art of negotiation. It's fantastic to see that they are developing their own personalities and becoming individuals. However, they aren't the 'innocent' I'm talking about. It's the newborns, the toddlers, those who are still finding their feet in this wonderful world and constant having personal 'firsts,' they are the one's who really reunite a family.
In recent times, there has been a little baby boom in my little circle. Friends from school going for number three or four after their youngest has turned eight. Friends taking the late 30s/early 40s approach to parenting, and newly-wed friends becoming settled and starting their families. It's the little ones who create so much joy. That 6 month to 2 year age group, where they are starting to crawl and walk, starting to say their first words and starting to show some personality. They give you the biggest hugs, they start pointing at everything, they don't mind having their diaper/nappy changed and they are particular with who looks after them. Your heart breaks when they just want to be with their mum, when all you want to do is give his or her mum a break. And as long as you don't mind the slobber, the stinky nappy and the occasional pumpkin filled sneeze, you'll do anything to be with them.
I keep a close eye on a number of the little ones. All developing at their own rate. Some have learnt sign language, some have had some heartbreaking health issues, some have extended family members who can't stay away, but all bring immense joy to those who love them. And with this joy, all family dysfunction seems to wither away, because the meaning of family seems to be rekindled through the innocent, the helpless and those heartwarming smiles. Even those who claim they don't like kids seem to have a soft spot for this age group.
So when you feel that your family is being torn in all directions due to individual commitments, differing opinions, travel and adventure, maybe the universe will bring the joy back to your family in the form of a cute little bundle of baby and reunite you all in a most unique and most unexpected way.
In recent times, there has been a little baby boom in my little circle. Friends from school going for number three or four after their youngest has turned eight. Friends taking the late 30s/early 40s approach to parenting, and newly-wed friends becoming settled and starting their families. It's the little ones who create so much joy. That 6 month to 2 year age group, where they are starting to crawl and walk, starting to say their first words and starting to show some personality. They give you the biggest hugs, they start pointing at everything, they don't mind having their diaper/nappy changed and they are particular with who looks after them. Your heart breaks when they just want to be with their mum, when all you want to do is give his or her mum a break. And as long as you don't mind the slobber, the stinky nappy and the occasional pumpkin filled sneeze, you'll do anything to be with them.
I keep a close eye on a number of the little ones. All developing at their own rate. Some have learnt sign language, some have had some heartbreaking health issues, some have extended family members who can't stay away, but all bring immense joy to those who love them. And with this joy, all family dysfunction seems to wither away, because the meaning of family seems to be rekindled through the innocent, the helpless and those heartwarming smiles. Even those who claim they don't like kids seem to have a soft spot for this age group.
So when you feel that your family is being torn in all directions due to individual commitments, differing opinions, travel and adventure, maybe the universe will bring the joy back to your family in the form of a cute little bundle of baby and reunite you all in a most unique and most unexpected way.
Monday, 26 December 2011
The pressure of Christmas
I read an article yesterday from the USA Today website... http://www.usatoday.com/money/economy/story/2011-12-22/cutting-back-christmas-spending/52144864/1?csp=hf about how there is a small following of people who are rejecting the commercialism of Christmas because of the financial pressure it essentially puts on families. The article focused on some stereotypes who struggle most - namely single mothers. Some of the remarks posted afterwards were quite conservative, talking about the 'traditional family values' and how we should all be focusing on the tradition of a mother, father and children type of family with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins join together to sing Christmas carols, eat copious amounts of lavish food and wear 'ugly sweaters.' No doubt, there are some families who absolutely love to get together and enjoy the spirit of Christmas, as everyone gets along so well, but that Disney image of all love and no war in a family is myopic and idealist, especially when there are on-going feuds in families, jealousy of those more fortunate than others and individual families changing situations.
For instance, the death of a family member throughout the year can be overwhelming for those who loved that person and Christmas is a hard reminder that that loved one is gone. But on the other spectrum, think about all those who can't handle the fact that they haven't achieved what they wanted over the year for their family or themselves, get themselves into a drunken state, then lash out on those they are supposed to love with physical and emotional violence - spare a thought for the emergency workers who see more acts of domestic violence over Christmas than any other time of the year... What about the uncertainty of handling family situations when a marriage fails, family members go unexpectedly missing or the sadness of a sick child in hospital? What pressure do these events put on the traditions of Christmas? They all make Christmas a very difficult time, and Christmas just exasperates the situations that people have found themselves in, and it can be overwhelmingly distressing.
So for all those who absolutely 'love' Christmas for all the decorations, the present giving, the glorious food, the Christmas tree, the religious meaning, the joy on children's faces and the coming together of family and friends, spare a thought for those who are overwhelmed with their own personal situations, read between the lines a little and give some of your heartwarming spirit to touch their Christmas heart in a way that is unexpected and memorable, allowing them to rekindle their spirit of Christmas. It will make your Christmas all the more special that you thought outside yourself and your family and it will make them feel special again.
I hope you all had a 'special' moment of giving outside yourselves and had a chance to see the truth behind the Christmas spirit this Christmas. For me, I'd like to thank all my loyal fans and supporters for reading my blog and look forward to casting more happiness, adventure and fabulous ideas out to the single mothers out there in 2012.
For instance, the death of a family member throughout the year can be overwhelming for those who loved that person and Christmas is a hard reminder that that loved one is gone. But on the other spectrum, think about all those who can't handle the fact that they haven't achieved what they wanted over the year for their family or themselves, get themselves into a drunken state, then lash out on those they are supposed to love with physical and emotional violence - spare a thought for the emergency workers who see more acts of domestic violence over Christmas than any other time of the year... What about the uncertainty of handling family situations when a marriage fails, family members go unexpectedly missing or the sadness of a sick child in hospital? What pressure do these events put on the traditions of Christmas? They all make Christmas a very difficult time, and Christmas just exasperates the situations that people have found themselves in, and it can be overwhelmingly distressing.
So for all those who absolutely 'love' Christmas for all the decorations, the present giving, the glorious food, the Christmas tree, the religious meaning, the joy on children's faces and the coming together of family and friends, spare a thought for those who are overwhelmed with their own personal situations, read between the lines a little and give some of your heartwarming spirit to touch their Christmas heart in a way that is unexpected and memorable, allowing them to rekindle their spirit of Christmas. It will make your Christmas all the more special that you thought outside yourself and your family and it will make them feel special again.
I hope you all had a 'special' moment of giving outside yourselves and had a chance to see the truth behind the Christmas spirit this Christmas. For me, I'd like to thank all my loyal fans and supporters for reading my blog and look forward to casting more happiness, adventure and fabulous ideas out to the single mothers out there in 2012.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Finding peace this Christmas...
'Peace' is one of those words that is buzzing around at the moment because it's Christmas. I've always looked at it as a word that is global - we all want world peace, we all want peace in our neighbourhoods, villages and streets, but what about the 'inner peace' that each one of us need within us to be content with who we are?
Some of us torture ourselves with conflict between family members and friends. Some of us torture ourselves about where we want to be in life, and it's not where we are now. Some of us torture ourselves with inner demons that mask the personality that we want to portray to the world. So how do we create inner peace within ourselves?
We are all different, and we all need to find the solace within ourselves to make that call. For some it's an instant realisation, for others it's a long drawn out journey of months, sometimes years getting professional help. Some never find it, some don't realise that they need to find it. And I think that's a pertinent point... we can only find inner peace if we make that realisation that we actually 'need' it.
Some of us blame others for the anguish we have in our lives that we can't get over. But most don't even know that they have caused you this anguish. We approach them about it, and they don't know what you are talking about. If they do know what you're talking about, they have 'knowingly' done something to hurt you or put their own needs first; but if they don't know, you identify with it that they have been constantly insensitive to your feelings. But, in the end, if we blame others or not, it's up to us to either accept how that person is in our lives knowing that they only think of themselves, or choose not to have that person be in our lives so dominantly. It's up to us to have the maturity, courage and strength to either confront the other person or people to allow all the built up resentment to be discussed and removed, or let it go, start a new day and find that inner peace within ourselves.
So at Christmas, when there is a huge amount of animosity flying around in family affairs in every type of family out there, is this the time or not to create that inner peace within yourself by accepting your family and friends for who they are? Is it the time to discover in yourself how you can be at peace with yourself? Is finding the peace the best Christmas present you could give yourself? It should be a resounding 'yes.' But some of us aren't ready to do that yet, for others, it may take baby steps to get there, but the most important step is knowing that 'peace' within ourselves is our ultimate destination.
Some of us torture ourselves with conflict between family members and friends. Some of us torture ourselves about where we want to be in life, and it's not where we are now. Some of us torture ourselves with inner demons that mask the personality that we want to portray to the world. So how do we create inner peace within ourselves?
We are all different, and we all need to find the solace within ourselves to make that call. For some it's an instant realisation, for others it's a long drawn out journey of months, sometimes years getting professional help. Some never find it, some don't realise that they need to find it. And I think that's a pertinent point... we can only find inner peace if we make that realisation that we actually 'need' it.
Some of us blame others for the anguish we have in our lives that we can't get over. But most don't even know that they have caused you this anguish. We approach them about it, and they don't know what you are talking about. If they do know what you're talking about, they have 'knowingly' done something to hurt you or put their own needs first; but if they don't know, you identify with it that they have been constantly insensitive to your feelings. But, in the end, if we blame others or not, it's up to us to either accept how that person is in our lives knowing that they only think of themselves, or choose not to have that person be in our lives so dominantly. It's up to us to have the maturity, courage and strength to either confront the other person or people to allow all the built up resentment to be discussed and removed, or let it go, start a new day and find that inner peace within ourselves.
So at Christmas, when there is a huge amount of animosity flying around in family affairs in every type of family out there, is this the time or not to create that inner peace within yourself by accepting your family and friends for who they are? Is it the time to discover in yourself how you can be at peace with yourself? Is finding the peace the best Christmas present you could give yourself? It should be a resounding 'yes.' But some of us aren't ready to do that yet, for others, it may take baby steps to get there, but the most important step is knowing that 'peace' within ourselves is our ultimate destination.
Friday, 16 December 2011
Changing of the signals....
For the last four or so months, my life has been consumed with ridding myself free from my past life. I'm almost at the point where I can start my new life, as I've sold the house, almost sold the car, in fact almost sold everything that isn't bolted down to prove that my past life had more debt than assets and the only winners in this whole thing were the lawyers... And as the points have been proven, the weight has been slowly coming off my shoulders.
So in saying that, with my personality being strangled by the life I was so desperate to leave behind and now seeing that I will soon be able to move on, am I coming back to the self that everyone wanted to know twelve or so months ago? I'm thinking I am... and the signals are definitely there...
I took my boys out to the movies tonight to see Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill. The movie prior to ours was running ten minutes late, and we weren't sure if we were in the right cinema. There was a man their with his son, who seemed to thinking the same thing. We decided to go to the box office to ask if they had changed cinemas, as you never hear of a session running into the next movie session's time, but they assured us that it was running late, and we should be in the cinema sooner than later. So while we waited, this six foot three inch solid bloke started chatting with me. His son chatted with my sons. It was all so friendly, that the boys decided to sit in the middle three seats of the five seated row, making the man sit at one end, and me at the other. I was relieved, as I didn't want to be sitting next to a complete stranger in the dark because our kids were getting along. Who knows what would have happened? He was nice and all, but I'm just not interested in starting something.
Fifteen or so minutes into the movie, he mentioned from across the kids that there was something wrong with the sound. And then I heard it. It was definitely annoying - a rustling sound under the track like the 'tape' wasn't going through the machine properly. The sound issue disappeared at a point that I can't recall and the movie was enjoyable to see.
At the end of the movie, he started asking questions "Do you think your boys enjoyed it? What was their favourite part?" Questions that I couldn't answer because I haven't even asked them myself. We all walked out of the cinema, and before we reached the stairs, he reached out his hand and said "I'm Fabian," and I told him my name and shook his hand. We walked towards the front of the building, as my boys kept chatting to his son, and before it got too awkward I said to the boys, "Didn't we park out the back?" and they said "Oh yeah." We said our goodbyes and walked to our car.
I'm really not ready to let anyone new in to my life. Not here. Not now. I'm focused on starting a new life when I leave my home, but that's still 6 weeks away and there is so much to do between now and then. But I guess, I'm happy that I don't seem to have that 'stay away' persona anymore. My heaviness is going, but not completely gone, and my outlook is looking a little more chipper... I found five dollars on the footpath today. I got a new client yesterday. I received two free movie tickets yesterday (hence the trip to the movies tonight!). Things are starting to look up again... just need to keep the positive vibe going and life will lead me on the path of excitement and fulfilment. Well, that's the plan anyway :)
So in saying that, with my personality being strangled by the life I was so desperate to leave behind and now seeing that I will soon be able to move on, am I coming back to the self that everyone wanted to know twelve or so months ago? I'm thinking I am... and the signals are definitely there...
I took my boys out to the movies tonight to see Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill. The movie prior to ours was running ten minutes late, and we weren't sure if we were in the right cinema. There was a man their with his son, who seemed to thinking the same thing. We decided to go to the box office to ask if they had changed cinemas, as you never hear of a session running into the next movie session's time, but they assured us that it was running late, and we should be in the cinema sooner than later. So while we waited, this six foot three inch solid bloke started chatting with me. His son chatted with my sons. It was all so friendly, that the boys decided to sit in the middle three seats of the five seated row, making the man sit at one end, and me at the other. I was relieved, as I didn't want to be sitting next to a complete stranger in the dark because our kids were getting along. Who knows what would have happened? He was nice and all, but I'm just not interested in starting something.
Fifteen or so minutes into the movie, he mentioned from across the kids that there was something wrong with the sound. And then I heard it. It was definitely annoying - a rustling sound under the track like the 'tape' wasn't going through the machine properly. The sound issue disappeared at a point that I can't recall and the movie was enjoyable to see.
At the end of the movie, he started asking questions "Do you think your boys enjoyed it? What was their favourite part?" Questions that I couldn't answer because I haven't even asked them myself. We all walked out of the cinema, and before we reached the stairs, he reached out his hand and said "I'm Fabian," and I told him my name and shook his hand. We walked towards the front of the building, as my boys kept chatting to his son, and before it got too awkward I said to the boys, "Didn't we park out the back?" and they said "Oh yeah." We said our goodbyes and walked to our car.
I'm really not ready to let anyone new in to my life. Not here. Not now. I'm focused on starting a new life when I leave my home, but that's still 6 weeks away and there is so much to do between now and then. But I guess, I'm happy that I don't seem to have that 'stay away' persona anymore. My heaviness is going, but not completely gone, and my outlook is looking a little more chipper... I found five dollars on the footpath today. I got a new client yesterday. I received two free movie tickets yesterday (hence the trip to the movies tonight!). Things are starting to look up again... just need to keep the positive vibe going and life will lead me on the path of excitement and fulfilment. Well, that's the plan anyway :)
Monday, 12 December 2011
Christmas Giving Without the Bulk
With Christmas only 12 days away, and my boys and I are without 'home' only a month after, I've told my boys that Christmas this year will be different. How do you give a 10 year old and an 8 year old Christmas gifts without giving them baggage that they will have to take with them to wherever we go? The answer is, make the presents consumable.
As Santa is apparently not real to a 10 year old and an 8 year old in my house, the presents will be obvious that they are from Mum. Jocks, socks and a toothbrush will pad out the stocking nicely, as will chocolates, lollies and some toothpaste. Glow sticks are perfect to use on New Years Eve, so they will get a bit of a go and water bombs are perfect for a hot summer afternoon's play. My boys don't mind a bit of bath-time indulgence, so bath bombs and bubble bath add some weight to the stocking, and some Christmas cookies add to the cheer. They love Bey Blades and Trashies at the moment, which are pretty small and transportable, and of course they will get some books to read and activity books to stretch the mind over the holidays. They both need new shin guards for sports which are easy to pack away. The one thing they will be disappointed in, is that I have banned new electronic games this year because they have too many and I want them to be more outdoorsy.
So in saying that... the gift that lasts a life time is a memory, so the remainder of their gifts are vouchers to do things - movie vouchers, bowling vouchers, horse-riding vouchers, ice-skating vouchers and even vouchers to an outdoor adventure store to buy hiking gear, wet-weather gear, Camelbaks, whatever it is to nurture that sense of adventure (which can be spent after we move!). One thing I will give them that is light weight and becoming quite popular in my house in terms of asking Mum to buy, is new songs or game apps from iTunes; so an iTunes voucher is definitely on the cards.
So there it is, not too bulky, definitely consumable and within 30 days, there shouldn't be any evidence of Christmas around except some new jocks and shin guards. And nothing to pack!! And if I'm lucky, they will like their new Christmas present selection, especially when there is so much choice to do things in the holidays and will opt for an activity filled Christmas stocking every year so we don't fill the house up each year with unwanted stuff that only gets thrown out to make room for more stuff 11 months later. I'm sure you mums out there hear what I'm saying.
As Santa is apparently not real to a 10 year old and an 8 year old in my house, the presents will be obvious that they are from Mum. Jocks, socks and a toothbrush will pad out the stocking nicely, as will chocolates, lollies and some toothpaste. Glow sticks are perfect to use on New Years Eve, so they will get a bit of a go and water bombs are perfect for a hot summer afternoon's play. My boys don't mind a bit of bath-time indulgence, so bath bombs and bubble bath add some weight to the stocking, and some Christmas cookies add to the cheer. They love Bey Blades and Trashies at the moment, which are pretty small and transportable, and of course they will get some books to read and activity books to stretch the mind over the holidays. They both need new shin guards for sports which are easy to pack away. The one thing they will be disappointed in, is that I have banned new electronic games this year because they have too many and I want them to be more outdoorsy.
So in saying that... the gift that lasts a life time is a memory, so the remainder of their gifts are vouchers to do things - movie vouchers, bowling vouchers, horse-riding vouchers, ice-skating vouchers and even vouchers to an outdoor adventure store to buy hiking gear, wet-weather gear, Camelbaks, whatever it is to nurture that sense of adventure (which can be spent after we move!). One thing I will give them that is light weight and becoming quite popular in my house in terms of asking Mum to buy, is new songs or game apps from iTunes; so an iTunes voucher is definitely on the cards.
So there it is, not too bulky, definitely consumable and within 30 days, there shouldn't be any evidence of Christmas around except some new jocks and shin guards. And nothing to pack!! And if I'm lucky, they will like their new Christmas present selection, especially when there is so much choice to do things in the holidays and will opt for an activity filled Christmas stocking every year so we don't fill the house up each year with unwanted stuff that only gets thrown out to make room for more stuff 11 months later. I'm sure you mums out there hear what I'm saying.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
No 100 - Shall it be about sex, or about being a single mum?
Hmmm... the big question... or could it be about both? :)
There is no question about it, I'm going through a fairly bitter divorce. Well the divorce hasn't been bitter when that part of it was legalised, it's been the financial settlement mainly, with the child custody issues put on the back burner until the financial settlement is finalised. And I have told almost anyone who's willing to lend an ear, possibly way too much for what they want to hear, but I'm so frustrated with the process, that for some reason, I want everyone to know. My yoga teacher/masseuse suggests I see a lady who helps redirect my energies to help things move more into the positive, which I guess I should give it a go, just to see if it can make a difference.
But recently, I poured my heart out to a recently separated single dad at school. I'd spoken to this dad a few times over the years, but never had a conversation of any depth with him until recently. He is going through an amicable separation, so he just doesn't fathom how my ex can be the way his is - not interested in his sons' interests, financially looking after them or making an effort for them. It's beyond this single dad how my ex could consider himself a father.
So was my pouring my heart out about how I'm being done in by my ex-husband, lawyers and the Family Court a sign to him that he could make a move? Did I look and act that vulnerable that he felt he could take it to the next step? Hmmm... Maybe he did. The next time we chatted, we were walking home from school and one of my boys needed to go to the bathroom, so he invited us in to his place. We literally stayed for as long as my son was in the bathroom, but he opened up the invitation to say that whenever I wanted to come over for a chat and the boys for a play, we're more than welcome. Three or so days later, I get a text message to see if I wanted to come down to the family friendly bar nearby with the kids to have a 'drink.' Am I reading too much into it?
Look, he's a nice guy, but not the kind of guy I would go out with. This is where I get myself into trouble. Men think that they have the potential with me to jump into their pants, but really, I just sometimes like the company of men because they aren't as bitchy or competitive as women. Do you hear me, girls?
But in the process of 'being myself,' am I sending subliminal signs that I could be interested that way? I don't know... Maybe I have blinkers on to it all. But maybe too, he just wants a friend to chat with and only something platonic.... but do I trust the situation? The thing is, with all the shit going on in my life, I'm not in the right frame of mind to be introducing somebody new into my messed up world, not until I have a clear path into where the boys and I are going. That's not fair on them, and it's definitely not fair on my boys when they have no idea where life will lead us in the New Year.
So as I choose to take a back seat with my sex life and keep our talking to the school playground, I think about all the single parents out there who are looking for love in the school grounds, or those who are just simply content to have their own space at the moment. Your sex life certainly has a new dynamic when you're single and have kids. You aren't as reckless and you become more secretive, so not to introduce potential partners to your kids that aren't going to stay around. You do it for your kids. After all, they are the most important people in your life right now, aren't they?
There is no question about it, I'm going through a fairly bitter divorce. Well the divorce hasn't been bitter when that part of it was legalised, it's been the financial settlement mainly, with the child custody issues put on the back burner until the financial settlement is finalised. And I have told almost anyone who's willing to lend an ear, possibly way too much for what they want to hear, but I'm so frustrated with the process, that for some reason, I want everyone to know. My yoga teacher/masseuse suggests I see a lady who helps redirect my energies to help things move more into the positive, which I guess I should give it a go, just to see if it can make a difference.
But recently, I poured my heart out to a recently separated single dad at school. I'd spoken to this dad a few times over the years, but never had a conversation of any depth with him until recently. He is going through an amicable separation, so he just doesn't fathom how my ex can be the way his is - not interested in his sons' interests, financially looking after them or making an effort for them. It's beyond this single dad how my ex could consider himself a father.
So was my pouring my heart out about how I'm being done in by my ex-husband, lawyers and the Family Court a sign to him that he could make a move? Did I look and act that vulnerable that he felt he could take it to the next step? Hmmm... Maybe he did. The next time we chatted, we were walking home from school and one of my boys needed to go to the bathroom, so he invited us in to his place. We literally stayed for as long as my son was in the bathroom, but he opened up the invitation to say that whenever I wanted to come over for a chat and the boys for a play, we're more than welcome. Three or so days later, I get a text message to see if I wanted to come down to the family friendly bar nearby with the kids to have a 'drink.' Am I reading too much into it?
Look, he's a nice guy, but not the kind of guy I would go out with. This is where I get myself into trouble. Men think that they have the potential with me to jump into their pants, but really, I just sometimes like the company of men because they aren't as bitchy or competitive as women. Do you hear me, girls?
But in the process of 'being myself,' am I sending subliminal signs that I could be interested that way? I don't know... Maybe I have blinkers on to it all. But maybe too, he just wants a friend to chat with and only something platonic.... but do I trust the situation? The thing is, with all the shit going on in my life, I'm not in the right frame of mind to be introducing somebody new into my messed up world, not until I have a clear path into where the boys and I are going. That's not fair on them, and it's definitely not fair on my boys when they have no idea where life will lead us in the New Year.
So as I choose to take a back seat with my sex life and keep our talking to the school playground, I think about all the single parents out there who are looking for love in the school grounds, or those who are just simply content to have their own space at the moment. Your sex life certainly has a new dynamic when you're single and have kids. You aren't as reckless and you become more secretive, so not to introduce potential partners to your kids that aren't going to stay around. You do it for your kids. After all, they are the most important people in your life right now, aren't they?
Friday, 9 December 2011
Your gut feeling
My boys are at the age now where faking a sickness is more than likely. They don't want to go to school sometimes because they've had a bad time with one of the kids the day before, but in most incidents, as boys do, it's forgiven and forgotten the next day.
But on Wednesday, I heard my little one barking like a seal at 6am. It was that dread croop, the one thing that appears at night but goes away during the day. Something that wouldn't, or shouldn't affect him going to school, if he's ladened with some cough drops and some ibuprofen before he goes. But for some reason, I just felt he wasn't right to go to school. So I didn't push him. He mentioned that one of his ears were sore, which hasn't happened since he was two and he had grommets inserted. And as he has speech and learning difficulties due to loss of hearing in those delicate 12-24 months of his place on this earth, I am more wary than normal if he says something out of the ordinary. So he stayed home.
I had work to do, so after I gave him his ibuprofen around 8.30am, I told him to rest in bed, and I would be home in two and a half hours.
When I came home, he was his bright normal self, playing Wii and had helped himself to his advent calendar chocolate and a glass of milk. I told him that I would be home for about an hour, but he would be coming to my next appointments so that we could go to the doctor afterwards. I just wanted to make sure his ears were OK, as that is his 'kryptonite' - if his ears aren't working all the speech therapists, tutors, audiologists and teachers won't be able to get through to his powers within.
We had two properties to see - one at frame stage at a building site with a magnificent bay view, the other in a gated community with glistening views of the river. We stopped to get some lunch, the first lot of real food he'd had all day - a blue frosted donut, a jam tart and a party pie. Well his type of 'real food.' Yum! Then headed off to the doctor at 2pm. We saw Dr Peter who saw that one of his ears were a little pinkish, but nothing to cause alarm, and his throat was more red. He asked me how he was within himself all day, and I said he'd been fine, but I told him that I dosed him up on ibuprofen. He gave him a prescription for Predmix (croop medicine) and we set off home for me to finish my work.
I did some admin work, my oldest walked home from school by himself, and I had come down with a splitter of a headache. The boys were happy watching TV, so I told them that I was going to have a rest for an hour. An hour and a half later I woke up, realising that the house was decidedly quiet. I saw through my bedroom window that my oldest walked out the front door for a bit and returned. I got up out of bed, went to the living room, only to find my oldest son. I asked him where his brother was, and he said he had no idea - he hadn't seen him for about an hour.
Instantly I was worried, knowing that the oldest had left the house without asking me, hoping that my little one wouldn't have done the same and was still out. I checked his room to see if he was quietly playing, but I couldn't see him. But then I noticed that his bed possibly had something in it, or should I say 'someone' ruffled up in his duvet. I checked, and he was sound asleep in it, but his body was burning up. I let him sleep. I checked his temperature, and my dodgy thermometer said he was 98.6F. I checked myself, and I was 98.3F - there is no way we had the same degree of heat coming off our foreheads. Eventually I got a reading of 100.6F for him, but I'm sure he was more than that, but it was enough to say to me that I wasn't imagining his fever.
I tried to get him to eat some food to take his Predmix, but that was a hard chore. He was struggling to breathe because his nose was so blocked up, and he was crying because he felt completely miserable. I got a few cherry tomatoes and some cucumber slices down his throat and a couple of bites of chicken schnitzel before I gave him his Predmix, and an hour or so later, I gave him some ibuprofen to get some sleep. I was sure that he wouldn't be going to school in the morning.
The next day, as I was expecting the ibuprofen to wear off at 4.30am, he was back to his normal happy self with a niggly cough, but no fever and he said he wanted to go to school. So I let him... but I'm glad, for once, that my gut feeling about him was right. As there have been so many times I've taken my boys to the doctors, only for it to be a false alarm or they haven't been as sick as they have made out to be.
But on Wednesday, I heard my little one barking like a seal at 6am. It was that dread croop, the one thing that appears at night but goes away during the day. Something that wouldn't, or shouldn't affect him going to school, if he's ladened with some cough drops and some ibuprofen before he goes. But for some reason, I just felt he wasn't right to go to school. So I didn't push him. He mentioned that one of his ears were sore, which hasn't happened since he was two and he had grommets inserted. And as he has speech and learning difficulties due to loss of hearing in those delicate 12-24 months of his place on this earth, I am more wary than normal if he says something out of the ordinary. So he stayed home.
I had work to do, so after I gave him his ibuprofen around 8.30am, I told him to rest in bed, and I would be home in two and a half hours.
When I came home, he was his bright normal self, playing Wii and had helped himself to his advent calendar chocolate and a glass of milk. I told him that I would be home for about an hour, but he would be coming to my next appointments so that we could go to the doctor afterwards. I just wanted to make sure his ears were OK, as that is his 'kryptonite' - if his ears aren't working all the speech therapists, tutors, audiologists and teachers won't be able to get through to his powers within.
We had two properties to see - one at frame stage at a building site with a magnificent bay view, the other in a gated community with glistening views of the river. We stopped to get some lunch, the first lot of real food he'd had all day - a blue frosted donut, a jam tart and a party pie. Well his type of 'real food.' Yum! Then headed off to the doctor at 2pm. We saw Dr Peter who saw that one of his ears were a little pinkish, but nothing to cause alarm, and his throat was more red. He asked me how he was within himself all day, and I said he'd been fine, but I told him that I dosed him up on ibuprofen. He gave him a prescription for Predmix (croop medicine) and we set off home for me to finish my work.
I did some admin work, my oldest walked home from school by himself, and I had come down with a splitter of a headache. The boys were happy watching TV, so I told them that I was going to have a rest for an hour. An hour and a half later I woke up, realising that the house was decidedly quiet. I saw through my bedroom window that my oldest walked out the front door for a bit and returned. I got up out of bed, went to the living room, only to find my oldest son. I asked him where his brother was, and he said he had no idea - he hadn't seen him for about an hour.
Instantly I was worried, knowing that the oldest had left the house without asking me, hoping that my little one wouldn't have done the same and was still out. I checked his room to see if he was quietly playing, but I couldn't see him. But then I noticed that his bed possibly had something in it, or should I say 'someone' ruffled up in his duvet. I checked, and he was sound asleep in it, but his body was burning up. I let him sleep. I checked his temperature, and my dodgy thermometer said he was 98.6F. I checked myself, and I was 98.3F - there is no way we had the same degree of heat coming off our foreheads. Eventually I got a reading of 100.6F for him, but I'm sure he was more than that, but it was enough to say to me that I wasn't imagining his fever.
I tried to get him to eat some food to take his Predmix, but that was a hard chore. He was struggling to breathe because his nose was so blocked up, and he was crying because he felt completely miserable. I got a few cherry tomatoes and some cucumber slices down his throat and a couple of bites of chicken schnitzel before I gave him his Predmix, and an hour or so later, I gave him some ibuprofen to get some sleep. I was sure that he wouldn't be going to school in the morning.
The next day, as I was expecting the ibuprofen to wear off at 4.30am, he was back to his normal happy self with a niggly cough, but no fever and he said he wanted to go to school. So I let him... but I'm glad, for once, that my gut feeling about him was right. As there have been so many times I've taken my boys to the doctors, only for it to be a false alarm or they haven't been as sick as they have made out to be.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
The Joy of Parenting
It's amazing how many people consider parenting as 'hard work.' What's with that? OK, yes it's a life changing, selfless act, and it always keeps you busy, but it's not 'work', and it's definitely not 'hard', it is monotonous, but it's also the joy of being a parent.
I've worked with my children alongside me since the day they were born, literally. I breast-fed them till they were both 16 months old and they were essentially attached to me for 18 hours a day for their first two years. I did what I had to do to be a mother, a provider and a care-taker for my sons, and for not one minute did I consider what I did for them to be 'work.'
Now that they are older, and a little more independent (well, a lot more considering what I did for them back then), I still enjoy being in their company, being there for them when they need me, but I also respect their needs to grow independently and discover themselves. They have their little chores to do to show responsibility to the family unit which of course, they consider to be work, but the day-to-day activities I do for them - making lunches, washing clothes, making their dinner, cleaning up after them, taking a forgotten hat to school, homework activities, driving them to sports meets, whatever I do for them, it's what I do to be a mum for them. It's not work, it's just busy!
I do feel sorry for the parents who believe that being a parent is a hardship. That they are 'put out' by the fact that they have to teach their children to help around the house, cook them meals, wash their clothes, clean up their vomit, get the chewing gum out of the hair.... You wonder why they became a parent in the first place? Even as a single parent, you don't think for one minute that you wish you didn't have to do clean up the undigested lasagna that's sprayed all over the carpet when you forced your child to eat their dinner and they kept telling you that they weren't feeling well. You just do it, because no one else will do it and it has to be cleaned up. You don't banish your kids for doing such a horrible thing, you show compassion and guilt that you didn't realise that they were 'that sick.'
Being a parent is a privilege. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my boys in my life. It definitely wouldn't be as fulfilling, it certainly wouldn't be full of love, cuddles and laughter, and there would be nothing to be proud of. And really, that's what the rewards are for just being 'busy.'
I've worked with my children alongside me since the day they were born, literally. I breast-fed them till they were both 16 months old and they were essentially attached to me for 18 hours a day for their first two years. I did what I had to do to be a mother, a provider and a care-taker for my sons, and for not one minute did I consider what I did for them to be 'work.'
Now that they are older, and a little more independent (well, a lot more considering what I did for them back then), I still enjoy being in their company, being there for them when they need me, but I also respect their needs to grow independently and discover themselves. They have their little chores to do to show responsibility to the family unit which of course, they consider to be work, but the day-to-day activities I do for them - making lunches, washing clothes, making their dinner, cleaning up after them, taking a forgotten hat to school, homework activities, driving them to sports meets, whatever I do for them, it's what I do to be a mum for them. It's not work, it's just busy!
I do feel sorry for the parents who believe that being a parent is a hardship. That they are 'put out' by the fact that they have to teach their children to help around the house, cook them meals, wash their clothes, clean up their vomit, get the chewing gum out of the hair.... You wonder why they became a parent in the first place? Even as a single parent, you don't think for one minute that you wish you didn't have to do clean up the undigested lasagna that's sprayed all over the carpet when you forced your child to eat their dinner and they kept telling you that they weren't feeling well. You just do it, because no one else will do it and it has to be cleaned up. You don't banish your kids for doing such a horrible thing, you show compassion and guilt that you didn't realise that they were 'that sick.'
Being a parent is a privilege. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my boys in my life. It definitely wouldn't be as fulfilling, it certainly wouldn't be full of love, cuddles and laughter, and there would be nothing to be proud of. And really, that's what the rewards are for just being 'busy.'
Sunday, 4 December 2011
When Less Means More....
At the moment, I'm trying to teach my boys that happiness doesn't come from 'things.' You know, the materialistic things that they are pressured to want via television advertisements, toy marketing companies and their peers. As Christmas is approaching, they have discovered that the one and only thing that they really want, the Skylanders Nintendo DS game, is only available for the 3D console, not the DS Lite or DSi XL that they have (yes, I upgraded them last year, but there is no way I am buying them the 3D console because Nintendo are struggling to sell the 3D version and feel that they may have some success if they issue out limited use games). They don't seem to be as desperate as they used to be for new games, and are still happy playing on games that they have had for months now. So maybe my teaching is starting to work.
Recently I showed one of the mums from school my house when I had it ready for my open houses ready to sell. She asked me where all the boys' toys are. I showed her a couple of hiding spots, but as I am not one to keep things when they have stopped playing them, they only have what's left that they use. And I'm glad that they are at that age where they aren't interested in big things anymore - just Bey Blades (high-performance spinning tops), DS/Wii games, books, board games and drawing. They have sports equipment, but the real 'toy' factor has gone. Which makes me struggle with what to buy them for Christmas.
And this is where I guess we start thinking out of the square. Like adults tend to enjoy, children also enjoy the gift of adventure. Vouchers to theme parks, the movies, indoor amusement parks, ten-pin bowling, rock climbing, even vouchers to outdoor adventure shops to buy themselves Camelbaks, hiking sticks, protein bars (astronaut food!), safety equipment, thermal clothing - anything that makes them look ready to enjoy themselves outside the home.
So I guess that my teaching is that they get more out of the experience of adventure, more happiness out of their spirit of adventure than they do with a collection of 'things' that they don't interest them six months later.
I was looking at some photos of my boys yesterday when we were last at in the States. It was amazing how much their faces lit up, their smiles were not forced but so excited to be in new surrounds doing something completely different. I looked at photos when we went down the coast for the day, and again, their faces are just so much more alive than they are floating around home doing the same old, same old. They are truly happy when it's the three of us doing things together. They are truly happy when they see me happy.
I've told my boys that I don't want 'things' anymore. I'm happy with consumable products and experiences, and they are starting to agree. They will be happy if their Christmas stockings are filled with food, chocolate, socks & undies, bubble bath and passes to their favourite things. They have all they want, they tell me every day. They have a mum who loves them, a brother who 'likes' them and are thankful that they have food on the table. They know that these are the things that are most important.
Recently I showed one of the mums from school my house when I had it ready for my open houses ready to sell. She asked me where all the boys' toys are. I showed her a couple of hiding spots, but as I am not one to keep things when they have stopped playing them, they only have what's left that they use. And I'm glad that they are at that age where they aren't interested in big things anymore - just Bey Blades (high-performance spinning tops), DS/Wii games, books, board games and drawing. They have sports equipment, but the real 'toy' factor has gone. Which makes me struggle with what to buy them for Christmas.
And this is where I guess we start thinking out of the square. Like adults tend to enjoy, children also enjoy the gift of adventure. Vouchers to theme parks, the movies, indoor amusement parks, ten-pin bowling, rock climbing, even vouchers to outdoor adventure shops to buy themselves Camelbaks, hiking sticks, protein bars (astronaut food!), safety equipment, thermal clothing - anything that makes them look ready to enjoy themselves outside the home.
So I guess that my teaching is that they get more out of the experience of adventure, more happiness out of their spirit of adventure than they do with a collection of 'things' that they don't interest them six months later.
I was looking at some photos of my boys yesterday when we were last at in the States. It was amazing how much their faces lit up, their smiles were not forced but so excited to be in new surrounds doing something completely different. I looked at photos when we went down the coast for the day, and again, their faces are just so much more alive than they are floating around home doing the same old, same old. They are truly happy when it's the three of us doing things together. They are truly happy when they see me happy.
I've told my boys that I don't want 'things' anymore. I'm happy with consumable products and experiences, and they are starting to agree. They will be happy if their Christmas stockings are filled with food, chocolate, socks & undies, bubble bath and passes to their favourite things. They have all they want, they tell me every day. They have a mum who loves them, a brother who 'likes' them and are thankful that they have food on the table. They know that these are the things that are most important.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
What messages are we sending out to the world?
If we feel hopeless and down, are we more likely to attract people and situations that will drive us further into the depths of our problems? If we stay positive and exude confidence will we attract success and good fortune? But can we be more fortunate in some areas of our life but not in others?
For instance, our working life maybe doing really well - where we get good promotions as we work hard and gain success, but do we do that are forsake the love and warmth of a happy family life? Do we put the energies into some aspects of our lives but not others, and the areas that we tend not to focus on end up causing us more grief in the long run, so we stick to what makes us feel good about ourselves.
But it may not be as black and white as career and family, it could be that you focus on one area of your family life, like your kids, but don't focus on your partner, parents or siblings, and your relationships with those people may fall to the wayside.
How do we maintain a balance and have success in all areas of our life? To be honest, I don't think it's possible. Even if you don't have problems with people, people have problems with you. It's human nature... jealousy can cause people to resent that you are doing well in all aspects of your life, or family and friends can hold grudges on things that you've done to them. At what stage do you decide that some situations are helpless and you give up on making that relationship work, staying in a job that doesn't agree with you or realising that you are over your head with your financial commitments? When do you take sides and turn the other way?
I think we start to turn the other way when we can't see any good in what that person, job or situation offers us anymore. Our instincts tell us that those people or situations don't make us feel good about ourselves anymore, so we turn to things that do make us feel good. It is said, that humans are the only living being that tends to walk towards danger rather than run away from it, it maybe true in one sense, but in reality, we do tend to turn off to the negative ways people talk to us, the thankless job that is leading to nowhere or the pile of bills that just doesn't want to go down. They don't make us feel good about ourselves, so we ignore them.
So what is it that we can do to change ourselves to be more positive, more fun to be with, more excited about our future? For me, it's realising what's most important. Hugging my kids and letting them know that I am there for them. Wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself, and not clothes that make me feel withdrawn. Indulging in a bath and reading a book. Feeling the sun on my skin. And laughing with good friends... Do we prioritise the things that make us happy in our lives and choose to change those things that aren't fulfilling us anymore? Do we start taking the small steps to create opportunities for ourselves that allow us to move on to greener pastures? Do we step up to being more helpful and supportive to family, friends and those less fortunate and need our help? Do we start 'giving' to the world instead of having high expectations of 'receiving' from the world?
A wise person recently said to me, don't have any expectations on others and only rely on yourself, as you can only be disappointed with yourself if something doesn't go the way you want it to. You are in charge of your own destiny, so if you don't like the way things are going, do something to make it go in a different direction. If you take the positive steps, the positive steps will continue to grow. We have to believe in ourselves, we have to believe in the process, we have to believe that we are good people and we have to feel right about the paths we take. In most cases, it will get worse before it gets better, and we have to believe that it will get better.... because it will...
For instance, our working life maybe doing really well - where we get good promotions as we work hard and gain success, but do we do that are forsake the love and warmth of a happy family life? Do we put the energies into some aspects of our lives but not others, and the areas that we tend not to focus on end up causing us more grief in the long run, so we stick to what makes us feel good about ourselves.
But it may not be as black and white as career and family, it could be that you focus on one area of your family life, like your kids, but don't focus on your partner, parents or siblings, and your relationships with those people may fall to the wayside.
How do we maintain a balance and have success in all areas of our life? To be honest, I don't think it's possible. Even if you don't have problems with people, people have problems with you. It's human nature... jealousy can cause people to resent that you are doing well in all aspects of your life, or family and friends can hold grudges on things that you've done to them. At what stage do you decide that some situations are helpless and you give up on making that relationship work, staying in a job that doesn't agree with you or realising that you are over your head with your financial commitments? When do you take sides and turn the other way?
I think we start to turn the other way when we can't see any good in what that person, job or situation offers us anymore. Our instincts tell us that those people or situations don't make us feel good about ourselves anymore, so we turn to things that do make us feel good. It is said, that humans are the only living being that tends to walk towards danger rather than run away from it, it maybe true in one sense, but in reality, we do tend to turn off to the negative ways people talk to us, the thankless job that is leading to nowhere or the pile of bills that just doesn't want to go down. They don't make us feel good about ourselves, so we ignore them.
So what is it that we can do to change ourselves to be more positive, more fun to be with, more excited about our future? For me, it's realising what's most important. Hugging my kids and letting them know that I am there for them. Wearing clothes that make me feel good about myself, and not clothes that make me feel withdrawn. Indulging in a bath and reading a book. Feeling the sun on my skin. And laughing with good friends... Do we prioritise the things that make us happy in our lives and choose to change those things that aren't fulfilling us anymore? Do we start taking the small steps to create opportunities for ourselves that allow us to move on to greener pastures? Do we step up to being more helpful and supportive to family, friends and those less fortunate and need our help? Do we start 'giving' to the world instead of having high expectations of 'receiving' from the world?
A wise person recently said to me, don't have any expectations on others and only rely on yourself, as you can only be disappointed with yourself if something doesn't go the way you want it to. You are in charge of your own destiny, so if you don't like the way things are going, do something to make it go in a different direction. If you take the positive steps, the positive steps will continue to grow. We have to believe in ourselves, we have to believe in the process, we have to believe that we are good people and we have to feel right about the paths we take. In most cases, it will get worse before it gets better, and we have to believe that it will get better.... because it will...
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Family...-
What would we do with them? What would we do without them? I had a few chats with friends over the past couple of days about their dysfunctional families and it was interesting to feel that as a whole, we're not alone.
Some family members go to selfless lengths to ensure that other family members don't need to deal with certain issues. One friend lost her father in recent months, and since he's been gone, she now realises how much her father covered the mental illness of her mother for the sake of ensuring that his children didn't have to deal with it on a regular basis. Now he is gone, her mother is unbearable, uncontrollable and my friend doesn't want anything to do with her because she is rehashing old hurts. The verbal abuse she creates is getting painfully worse and she can't stand being in the same room as her. She has ruled out the possibility of counselling to sort out their differences, but her mother is beyond help, she doesn't see the point. She is so thankful for her father for protecting her from what could have been a tumultuous life, but she still wakes up from nightmares of her mother doing things to her.
Another friend is the middle child of five, and is very protective of her mother. She knows her mother was the strong one in her parent's marriage - the decision maker, the worker, the accountant, the parent, while her father worked, but didn't want to know about the children or finances, and gambled plenty on the side. Her mother opened a restaurant to keep the family fed, as if she didn't, she wouldn't have known how to keep their family afloat. Every child in the family worked in that restaurant from their mid teens to almost their mid thirties. Her father died just before they sold the restaurant, but they now have a strong bond of friendship and support between her siblings and her mother, it is truly amazing to see. (but they still have a few hardships to deal with).
But I notice more than anything, that at this time of year we tend to tense up about family issues and dealing with past demons. Christmas is not a festive time for most. It's a time that harmony can't co-exist in the extended family rituals because new people get introduced within the family, events have happened over the year (or years) so some aren't talking to others, judgement statements can be made, young cousins don't get along together causing other upheavals within the family and most just don't want to be there, but do so for the sake of their children.
In saying that, do we remind ourselves that we should be thankful that we actually have a family that's willing to get together though good times and bad, when some have lost their family members to car accidents over the year or illness, and then others were orphaned as their parents have drug, alcohol or domestic violence issues, their parents could be in jail, they are in poverty so they don't even celebrate Christmas, or simply they have no one in their lives who makes a difference. Maybe, we should all take a step back and be thankful that our family is there, even if it is in the smallest way...
So in saying all of that, I guess the best description of family that was redefined to me in the last few days is, the people who are the most important people in your family are you and your kids. The grandparents, the aunts, the uncles, the cousins...no one else matters except the well being of you and your children, as the other family members do or have with their children. You do what's right for you and your kids first, even if it means boycotting Christmas or family occasions. You don't go to family occasions to get ambushed, you go assuming that you will have a good time, animosity maybe resolved and your kids will be spoiled with love and gifts. But, if you ever fear it will not happen, don't go, don't put yourself and your children through the suffering, and if anyone has a problem with that, that's their problem not yours.
Family really can be a beautiful thing... if only there was reciprocated love, support and acceptance, as family should really be.
Some family members go to selfless lengths to ensure that other family members don't need to deal with certain issues. One friend lost her father in recent months, and since he's been gone, she now realises how much her father covered the mental illness of her mother for the sake of ensuring that his children didn't have to deal with it on a regular basis. Now he is gone, her mother is unbearable, uncontrollable and my friend doesn't want anything to do with her because she is rehashing old hurts. The verbal abuse she creates is getting painfully worse and she can't stand being in the same room as her. She has ruled out the possibility of counselling to sort out their differences, but her mother is beyond help, she doesn't see the point. She is so thankful for her father for protecting her from what could have been a tumultuous life, but she still wakes up from nightmares of her mother doing things to her.
Another friend is the middle child of five, and is very protective of her mother. She knows her mother was the strong one in her parent's marriage - the decision maker, the worker, the accountant, the parent, while her father worked, but didn't want to know about the children or finances, and gambled plenty on the side. Her mother opened a restaurant to keep the family fed, as if she didn't, she wouldn't have known how to keep their family afloat. Every child in the family worked in that restaurant from their mid teens to almost their mid thirties. Her father died just before they sold the restaurant, but they now have a strong bond of friendship and support between her siblings and her mother, it is truly amazing to see. (but they still have a few hardships to deal with).
But I notice more than anything, that at this time of year we tend to tense up about family issues and dealing with past demons. Christmas is not a festive time for most. It's a time that harmony can't co-exist in the extended family rituals because new people get introduced within the family, events have happened over the year (or years) so some aren't talking to others, judgement statements can be made, young cousins don't get along together causing other upheavals within the family and most just don't want to be there, but do so for the sake of their children.
In saying that, do we remind ourselves that we should be thankful that we actually have a family that's willing to get together though good times and bad, when some have lost their family members to car accidents over the year or illness, and then others were orphaned as their parents have drug, alcohol or domestic violence issues, their parents could be in jail, they are in poverty so they don't even celebrate Christmas, or simply they have no one in their lives who makes a difference. Maybe, we should all take a step back and be thankful that our family is there, even if it is in the smallest way...
So in saying all of that, I guess the best description of family that was redefined to me in the last few days is, the people who are the most important people in your family are you and your kids. The grandparents, the aunts, the uncles, the cousins...no one else matters except the well being of you and your children, as the other family members do or have with their children. You do what's right for you and your kids first, even if it means boycotting Christmas or family occasions. You don't go to family occasions to get ambushed, you go assuming that you will have a good time, animosity maybe resolved and your kids will be spoiled with love and gifts. But, if you ever fear it will not happen, don't go, don't put yourself and your children through the suffering, and if anyone has a problem with that, that's their problem not yours.
Family really can be a beautiful thing... if only there was reciprocated love, support and acceptance, as family should really be.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Why is it so hard to leave the past?
The past can be a fountain of fabulous memories for some, and a pit full of sadness for others. Most of us have an unbalanced scale of both. Those who brace life with two hands and enjoy every moment generally are those with the fabulous memories and are eager to create more. Those who are full of sadness can't seem to let go and find themselves dragging themselves deeper and deeper into a hole of depression and emotional uncertainty.
So how do we get ourselves out of the place that drives us mental? How do we take that first step towards happiness? Is it us holding ourselves back, or others doing it for us? It really does depend on the situation. But I guess the first thing to do, for all parties, is to accept that you have the right to change yourself, but not the right to change others. If you want to free yourself of the animosity and hurt caused by others, or that you have caused on others, then you have to let go of the guilt that you have, or accept that those people who have hurt you will not change. You have the choice to keep those people in your life or not. But the most important thing, is to stop the thought of those people eating you up inside and harming all your other relationships.
I know it's easier said than done. I realised it within myself when I was on that road to recovery after I left my husband and was released from his stranglehold. I had 12 fabulous months of finding myself, creating new opportunities and seeing outside my personal reality that had been stifled for so many years. It was the same for my boys - they were opening up, having smiles on their faces and learning to enjoy life, because they had the mum they should have always had happy again. But then, it all came back to haunt us when we had physical and financial demands put on us through their father, and my past was back again.
But I have to believe that my happiness will come back and all my successes will be had through hard work, determination and a belief in myself. But for that to happen, I have to reflect that to the world. Show the world that I am above all those who pull me down. Show the world that I have the power to make a stance. Forget about the people who make you miserable and find the people who make you happy and are happy for you.
Hurt only continues if situations keep repeating themselves. There's a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result. If you can free yourself from that cycle, you will live a freer more happier life. Break away from it all, believe that you have the power to do so, and just do it. Look forward and don't ever turn back.
So how do we get ourselves out of the place that drives us mental? How do we take that first step towards happiness? Is it us holding ourselves back, or others doing it for us? It really does depend on the situation. But I guess the first thing to do, for all parties, is to accept that you have the right to change yourself, but not the right to change others. If you want to free yourself of the animosity and hurt caused by others, or that you have caused on others, then you have to let go of the guilt that you have, or accept that those people who have hurt you will not change. You have the choice to keep those people in your life or not. But the most important thing, is to stop the thought of those people eating you up inside and harming all your other relationships.
I know it's easier said than done. I realised it within myself when I was on that road to recovery after I left my husband and was released from his stranglehold. I had 12 fabulous months of finding myself, creating new opportunities and seeing outside my personal reality that had been stifled for so many years. It was the same for my boys - they were opening up, having smiles on their faces and learning to enjoy life, because they had the mum they should have always had happy again. But then, it all came back to haunt us when we had physical and financial demands put on us through their father, and my past was back again.
But I have to believe that my happiness will come back and all my successes will be had through hard work, determination and a belief in myself. But for that to happen, I have to reflect that to the world. Show the world that I am above all those who pull me down. Show the world that I have the power to make a stance. Forget about the people who make you miserable and find the people who make you happy and are happy for you.
Hurt only continues if situations keep repeating themselves. There's a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result. If you can free yourself from that cycle, you will live a freer more happier life. Break away from it all, believe that you have the power to do so, and just do it. Look forward and don't ever turn back.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Being Thankful in the Thanksgiving season
Life can spin in many directions. Somedays we feel that the world is against us, and other days we feel that the world is our oyster, but today for our American friends, it's a time they remember to be thankful. Really, shouldn't we have a day like this in every country? So what's there to be thankful for?
For me, I'm thankful that I have my two boys. They are the most loving, thoughtful boys you could ever meet, who at times, love to be boys and fight and annoy each other. But usually, they are kind and considerate to each other, helpful and respectful to me and easy to convince to grab a cuddle or a massage off them. Every night at dinner time, we have a thing between us we call 'Happy Sad Day', where we go around the table and tell each other what made us happy today, what made us sad today and what we are thankful for today. The boys always say that they are thankful for having a mum that loves them and food on the table. Sometimes they add a few new ones, but that's what they are mostly thankful for each day.
I am thankful for having a good business that looks after my boys and I financially. I am thankful for my friends who listen to my sad stories when times are tough, but also pep me up and shine when times are good. I am thankful that my parents saw that I needed to branch out of our suburb and start a new school when I was 14 which was the beginning of my travelling and writing adventures. I am thankful for my inner strength and courage. I am thankful for my Yoga instructor/masseuse. I am thankful for having the power to change whatever I want changed within myself. I am thankful for being able to see a positive future ahead for me and my boys. I am thankful that I have a creative talent. I am thankful that I tan nicely :) I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me, but also thankful that I can identify that beauty surrounds me wherever I go.
At the same time, I know I can be better. I know I can be a better mum. I know I can be a better writer. I know I can be a better family member. I know I can be a better friend. I know I can be a better house cleaner. I know I can eat better. I know I could exercise more. I know I can learn to forgive. I know I can choose to let go. I know I can learn more. I know I can observe more. I know I can let people be themselves. I know I can let go of people who don't fit into my life. I know I can embrace people more who complement my life. I know that I shouldn't judge other's lives. I know I can open my heart more. I know I should trust more. I know I should smile more. I know I should laugh more. I know I can be better. I know it's time to make that change.
So if part of being thankful is being better within yourself, then maybe it's time to recognise that life is too short to let others hold you back and make a stance for yourself and your children. Make it happen - because no one else can do it except you, and be thankful that you can :)
For me, I'm thankful that I have my two boys. They are the most loving, thoughtful boys you could ever meet, who at times, love to be boys and fight and annoy each other. But usually, they are kind and considerate to each other, helpful and respectful to me and easy to convince to grab a cuddle or a massage off them. Every night at dinner time, we have a thing between us we call 'Happy Sad Day', where we go around the table and tell each other what made us happy today, what made us sad today and what we are thankful for today. The boys always say that they are thankful for having a mum that loves them and food on the table. Sometimes they add a few new ones, but that's what they are mostly thankful for each day.
I am thankful for having a good business that looks after my boys and I financially. I am thankful for my friends who listen to my sad stories when times are tough, but also pep me up and shine when times are good. I am thankful that my parents saw that I needed to branch out of our suburb and start a new school when I was 14 which was the beginning of my travelling and writing adventures. I am thankful for my inner strength and courage. I am thankful for my Yoga instructor/masseuse. I am thankful for having the power to change whatever I want changed within myself. I am thankful for being able to see a positive future ahead for me and my boys. I am thankful that I have a creative talent. I am thankful that I tan nicely :) I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me, but also thankful that I can identify that beauty surrounds me wherever I go.
At the same time, I know I can be better. I know I can be a better mum. I know I can be a better writer. I know I can be a better family member. I know I can be a better friend. I know I can be a better house cleaner. I know I can eat better. I know I could exercise more. I know I can learn to forgive. I know I can choose to let go. I know I can learn more. I know I can observe more. I know I can let people be themselves. I know I can let go of people who don't fit into my life. I know I can embrace people more who complement my life. I know that I shouldn't judge other's lives. I know I can open my heart more. I know I should trust more. I know I should smile more. I know I should laugh more. I know I can be better. I know it's time to make that change.
So if part of being thankful is being better within yourself, then maybe it's time to recognise that life is too short to let others hold you back and make a stance for yourself and your children. Make it happen - because no one else can do it except you, and be thankful that you can :)
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Do you ever imagine living in another lifetime?
I've just come home from seeing 'Midnight In Paris' - a Woody Allen movie (without him actually being in it!) about an aspiring writer who is mad about writers from the 1920s - Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, T.S. Elliot, etc, and after midnight in Paris, he finds himself teleported to a time when these people existed together. He was surrounded by artists including Picasso, Matisse and Dali and musicians such as Cole Porter and he was absolutely in awe about being in their company. Everyday, he came back to the reality of his own life, one where he had a fiancee who squashed his dreams while she ogled over an academic friend and his accomplishments, rather than praise the talent he possessed.
So, is there ever a time that you'd love to surround yourself in, a time when life was simpler, a time when we weren't exposed to media or a time where our gender based roles were accepted and not confused?
For me, I am inspired by my predecessors in my field - I am in awe of women like Beatrix Potter who not only believed in her talent and how she wanted her books published, but was happy to be involved with every process of the publishing of her books (something that was never done 100 years ago by the privileged) to then have enough wealth to buy farm after farm after farm in the Lakes District of Northern England to stop development of the beautiful land and then donated the land in her Will to the National Trust, of which most of the land she purchased is now the Lakes District National Park. I am in awe of Katharine Hepburn for her strong willed ways in the movie industry and her private love affair with Spencer Tracy. But I don't think that I could live in their lifetime. I can certainly learn from them, be inspired by them and look at their models in life and expand on them to build a better future. It would be amazing to meet them to pick their brains, be connected with their contacts and take the same trails as they did, but I want to build my own lasting legacy that someone, hopefully, thirty or forty years from now will be inspired by me.
We all have choices - we can continue to pay the extraordinary bills that we pay, live on a shoe string and wish that life wasn't expensive... or we can choose to live a simpler life, concentrate on making ourselves better and start making smarter decisions. It all depends on where your priorities lie and how badly you want it. If you want materialism and to be seen, spend your money on luxuries and non-necessities. If you want to 'be someone' of notoriety in your field, put your energy into making the dream real, and don't care a hoot what anyone thinks. It's your life, do what makes you feel real...
So, is there ever a time that you'd love to surround yourself in, a time when life was simpler, a time when we weren't exposed to media or a time where our gender based roles were accepted and not confused?
For me, I am inspired by my predecessors in my field - I am in awe of women like Beatrix Potter who not only believed in her talent and how she wanted her books published, but was happy to be involved with every process of the publishing of her books (something that was never done 100 years ago by the privileged) to then have enough wealth to buy farm after farm after farm in the Lakes District of Northern England to stop development of the beautiful land and then donated the land in her Will to the National Trust, of which most of the land she purchased is now the Lakes District National Park. I am in awe of Katharine Hepburn for her strong willed ways in the movie industry and her private love affair with Spencer Tracy. But I don't think that I could live in their lifetime. I can certainly learn from them, be inspired by them and look at their models in life and expand on them to build a better future. It would be amazing to meet them to pick their brains, be connected with their contacts and take the same trails as they did, but I want to build my own lasting legacy that someone, hopefully, thirty or forty years from now will be inspired by me.
We all have choices - we can continue to pay the extraordinary bills that we pay, live on a shoe string and wish that life wasn't expensive... or we can choose to live a simpler life, concentrate on making ourselves better and start making smarter decisions. It all depends on where your priorities lie and how badly you want it. If you want materialism and to be seen, spend your money on luxuries and non-necessities. If you want to 'be someone' of notoriety in your field, put your energy into making the dream real, and don't care a hoot what anyone thinks. It's your life, do what makes you feel real...
If the world was going to end, what would be the one thing you'd take with you?
It's a funny question, as if the world were to end, there's no point in taking anything because we'd all die... but hypothetically, if the world ended as we know it, and we were all air lifted onto another planet to start a new life, what would you take?
The question was posed at a friend's Jewish passover celebration a couple of years back. A passover that included his conservative in-laws as well as his own more liberal family. Everyone went around the table, saying the sentimental things - taking the kids, taking the photo albums, an inherited piece of jewellery, even the practical of a case of water. My friend's 65 year old mother left the room for a bit and came back planting her vibrator in the middle of the table saying 'That is what I can't live without!' to absolute shock to his prudish in-laws. My friends family were in hysterics, his wife's family left the building.
And it begs to ask the question? How many single mothers out there would prefer to live with their automated phallic than be bothered going through the dating scene and feeling loved again?
The problem is, when you've been in a relationship for so long that ends abruptly, you lose all trust in the other sex. You want to have your independence because you see all the similar traits in all men that you saw in your ex, and you really can't be bothered. You realise that this is the time to renew 'you' not to immediately jump on the next cock that walks through your door. Many women love that they have their own space to explore their own sexuality on their own, so when prospects come our way, unless the prospect is completely devoted to turning us around and believing that not all men are the same, there is little chance of us accepting a real man into our lives again, so our plastic toys have to do...
But as a single mum, we are dedicated to our kids and don't want different strays coming into our lives to confuse our kids that 'this one is their new Daddy.' Or maybe it's the next one... it's not fair on them. So our choices become more difficult and it's hard to let anyone into the family unit that you have created and want to protect. So again, we go back to the reliable vibrator as our saviour.
So maybe that hard long battery operating device is the one thing that we would take to another planet when life on this one fades away. At least we can still make ourselves happy while everything else is uncertain!
The question was posed at a friend's Jewish passover celebration a couple of years back. A passover that included his conservative in-laws as well as his own more liberal family. Everyone went around the table, saying the sentimental things - taking the kids, taking the photo albums, an inherited piece of jewellery, even the practical of a case of water. My friend's 65 year old mother left the room for a bit and came back planting her vibrator in the middle of the table saying 'That is what I can't live without!' to absolute shock to his prudish in-laws. My friends family were in hysterics, his wife's family left the building.
And it begs to ask the question? How many single mothers out there would prefer to live with their automated phallic than be bothered going through the dating scene and feeling loved again?
The problem is, when you've been in a relationship for so long that ends abruptly, you lose all trust in the other sex. You want to have your independence because you see all the similar traits in all men that you saw in your ex, and you really can't be bothered. You realise that this is the time to renew 'you' not to immediately jump on the next cock that walks through your door. Many women love that they have their own space to explore their own sexuality on their own, so when prospects come our way, unless the prospect is completely devoted to turning us around and believing that not all men are the same, there is little chance of us accepting a real man into our lives again, so our plastic toys have to do...
But as a single mum, we are dedicated to our kids and don't want different strays coming into our lives to confuse our kids that 'this one is their new Daddy.' Or maybe it's the next one... it's not fair on them. So our choices become more difficult and it's hard to let anyone into the family unit that you have created and want to protect. So again, we go back to the reliable vibrator as our saviour.
So maybe that hard long battery operating device is the one thing that we would take to another planet when life on this one fades away. At least we can still make ourselves happy while everything else is uncertain!
Sunday, 20 November 2011
It's Your Birthday... what do you do to feel the love?
All single mothers tend to dread special occasions because there is no adult partner around to spoil them. You tend to feel unappreciated, unwanted and the only way to make you feel good about yourself is if you create opportunities for yourself, but it still doesn't cut the mustard because everyone else is too busy in their lives to take a step back and for a moment, think how you feel doing it all on your own.
So this weekend was my birthday weekend, so what did I do to make me feel special? I had my girlie afternoon with my girlfriends on Saturday which you all know about. Last weekend, I gave my boys $50 and told them to go shopping for me in Myer. I told them that they know what I like, and not to buy anything Christmasy and just have fun. So they went to the 3rd floor of Myer, while I hung around the 2nd floor looking at handbags and wallets as my spoil to myself for my birthday. About 20 minutes later, they came back, laden with a black & white Myer bag and smiles on their faces. It was nice to see that they were happy with their purchases.
Yesterday morning (my actual birthday), my oldest sone came in with breakfast in bed for me way too early in the morning (I don't think it had hit 7am yet). I told him not to wake his brother, as I could see he was eager to give me their present, and literally within 10 minutes I had them both with me. They gave me a chocolate hamper filled with all sorts of food goodies (great while I'm on my diet! But it was nice that they were thinking consumables rather than dust collectors) and a 'fart' orientated musical card that just happened to be a Christmas card with a pug dog on the front dressed in a Santa hat saying that it ate my present, and now it's farting Jingle Bells. The boys were in hysterics about how funny it was... and I was glad that they were happy.
Throughout the day, even starting at 11.51pm the night before, the Facebook messages, text messages and phone calls came through. Some were surprises, even a double 'Happy Birthday' from a few people (surprisingly they were all men who did the double ups!) and definitely some notable absences.
In the afternoon, I took my boys to an indoor amusement park so we could do laser tag, dodgem cars and mini golf (plus a racing battle of Daytona) before we headed out to enjoy a Japanese dinner at a Teppanyaki bar.
We sat around the barbecue grill and our Teppanyaki chef Tom could see that my eight year old was the one to pick on. He first showed us how to stack raw eggs on top of each other to make an 'Ego tower' (instead of a Lego tower), then asked my him to see if he could do the same. He did well, managing to get two eggs stacked on top of each other, while the third just didn't want to sit right. Throughout the cooking extravaganza, he made a huge omelette and tossed pieces of egg into each of our mouths, made us catch a bowl of rice with another rice bowl (or six!), he showed us his cooking acrobatic skills with his utensils and generally it was a really nice night of entertainment and amazing food.
Dessert came, and the restaurant was nice enough to give me a ball of Tempura ice-cream with a sparkler on it, and sang Happy Birthday to me. The geisha style waitress came up to me and said that they had a tradition, where the birthday girl gets dressed up in a kimono to cut the ice-cream and they take a photo. So I got dressed up, she handed me a small samurai sword to cut my ball of ice-cream and she took a picture of the three of us. A few minutes later, she returned with a lovely framed picture of the boys and I to celebrate my birthday. It was unexpected, and so sweet of them to make me, a complete stranger, feel special on her birthday.
Thank You to all my friends and family who have sent their birthday wishes. You are all very kind and special to me. Who knows what my 39th year will bring me (as I've been reminded that I'm only 12 months away from my 40th year)... All I know is that I want to devote more time to my boys, dedicate some more time to my writing ambitions and hopefully sign a publishing contract to start my new life with some direction.
So this weekend was my birthday weekend, so what did I do to make me feel special? I had my girlie afternoon with my girlfriends on Saturday which you all know about. Last weekend, I gave my boys $50 and told them to go shopping for me in Myer. I told them that they know what I like, and not to buy anything Christmasy and just have fun. So they went to the 3rd floor of Myer, while I hung around the 2nd floor looking at handbags and wallets as my spoil to myself for my birthday. About 20 minutes later, they came back, laden with a black & white Myer bag and smiles on their faces. It was nice to see that they were happy with their purchases.
Yesterday morning (my actual birthday), my oldest sone came in with breakfast in bed for me way too early in the morning (I don't think it had hit 7am yet). I told him not to wake his brother, as I could see he was eager to give me their present, and literally within 10 minutes I had them both with me. They gave me a chocolate hamper filled with all sorts of food goodies (great while I'm on my diet! But it was nice that they were thinking consumables rather than dust collectors) and a 'fart' orientated musical card that just happened to be a Christmas card with a pug dog on the front dressed in a Santa hat saying that it ate my present, and now it's farting Jingle Bells. The boys were in hysterics about how funny it was... and I was glad that they were happy.
Throughout the day, even starting at 11.51pm the night before, the Facebook messages, text messages and phone calls came through. Some were surprises, even a double 'Happy Birthday' from a few people (surprisingly they were all men who did the double ups!) and definitely some notable absences.
In the afternoon, I took my boys to an indoor amusement park so we could do laser tag, dodgem cars and mini golf (plus a racing battle of Daytona) before we headed out to enjoy a Japanese dinner at a Teppanyaki bar.
We sat around the barbecue grill and our Teppanyaki chef Tom could see that my eight year old was the one to pick on. He first showed us how to stack raw eggs on top of each other to make an 'Ego tower' (instead of a Lego tower), then asked my him to see if he could do the same. He did well, managing to get two eggs stacked on top of each other, while the third just didn't want to sit right. Throughout the cooking extravaganza, he made a huge omelette and tossed pieces of egg into each of our mouths, made us catch a bowl of rice with another rice bowl (or six!), he showed us his cooking acrobatic skills with his utensils and generally it was a really nice night of entertainment and amazing food.
Dessert came, and the restaurant was nice enough to give me a ball of Tempura ice-cream with a sparkler on it, and sang Happy Birthday to me. The geisha style waitress came up to me and said that they had a tradition, where the birthday girl gets dressed up in a kimono to cut the ice-cream and they take a photo. So I got dressed up, she handed me a small samurai sword to cut my ball of ice-cream and she took a picture of the three of us. A few minutes later, she returned with a lovely framed picture of the boys and I to celebrate my birthday. It was unexpected, and so sweet of them to make me, a complete stranger, feel special on her birthday.
Thank You to all my friends and family who have sent their birthday wishes. You are all very kind and special to me. Who knows what my 39th year will bring me (as I've been reminded that I'm only 12 months away from my 40th year)... All I know is that I want to devote more time to my boys, dedicate some more time to my writing ambitions and hopefully sign a publishing contract to start my new life with some direction.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
The return of the old school mates
Isn't it funny that when you see your old school friends, you just lift off when you left off all those years ago? Admittedly, I've kept in semi-regular contact with a bunch of girlfriends since leaving school twenty years ago, so the conversations aren't too prehistoric, and today, eight of us got dressed up in dresses and heels went out to have a girlie afternoon tea at Madame Brussels in the city.
Madame Brussels is an English cottage style indoor/outdoor garden of Fifties style outdoor furniture and faux grass on the 3rd floor. It has Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holliday playing in the background and different flavoured punches to try. There's a set menu of gastronomic delights including sandwiches (ham & pickle, chicken & mayo, cucumber and egg sandwiches), a frittata, sausage rolls, scones with jam & cream, cupcakes and to finish off a chocolate fondue with strawberries and marshmallows. And it's not one of those places that has a stash of plates on top of each other to hurry you up so they can sit another group of people - we were there for over 3 hours when the chocolate fondue came out. As well as the Pimms based punch, we drank a sparkling rose (or pink champagne as they would say in the Fifties), which complemented the afternoon soiree perfectly.
The conversation revolved around legal custodies as a few of us are going through the pains of divorce, school playgrounds, work and memories of a time gone by. As we drank our pink champagne in the retro champagne glasses, one of my old friends, who works in the wine industry, decided to tell us a piece of trivia. 'Did you know that these champagne glasses were sized to fit one of Marie Antoinette's tits in it?' We all laughed and looked mysteriously at the small circular shaped glasses. She must have been a child when they sized them up. We googled her to find out how old she was when she died (37 - the current age of most sitting around the glass patio table), but decided that she was obviously way too flat chested to be a real woman (maybe that's why she was beheaded!). Of course, the conversation revolved around boob sizes after that, as girls do.
After a few too many pink champagnes, we couldn't work out who's glasses were who's anymore, so it was decided any would do. One of the girls said 'I'm sure we've all shared germs swapping boyfriends all those years ago.' So we tried to work it out.. Two around the table had the same boyfriend a few years a part from each other. Me and another of the girls had brothers at the same time, but with those around the table, there wasn't as much boyfriend swapping as we first thought. If there were a few more from our group there, it possibly would be true. But we did goes through different phases of being with boys from one school, then from another school, and then another. So the boy groups kept changing, and we did go out with mates of mates, but I don't think there was much swapping.
Amidst the talking and drinking, we took photos and posted them on Facebook, while the school mates who couldn't make it admired our little shindig from afar. For some of us, the afternoon got cut short when the evening arrived, while the others changed venues and kept the night going. It was good to catch up, something the single mums much appreciate as times to get out are rare (and there was one single mum who would have loved to have been there but couldn't get a babysitter)... looking forward to the next one sans children, just to be a girl again... :)
Madame Brussels is an English cottage style indoor/outdoor garden of Fifties style outdoor furniture and faux grass on the 3rd floor. It has Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holliday playing in the background and different flavoured punches to try. There's a set menu of gastronomic delights including sandwiches (ham & pickle, chicken & mayo, cucumber and egg sandwiches), a frittata, sausage rolls, scones with jam & cream, cupcakes and to finish off a chocolate fondue with strawberries and marshmallows. And it's not one of those places that has a stash of plates on top of each other to hurry you up so they can sit another group of people - we were there for over 3 hours when the chocolate fondue came out. As well as the Pimms based punch, we drank a sparkling rose (or pink champagne as they would say in the Fifties), which complemented the afternoon soiree perfectly.
The conversation revolved around legal custodies as a few of us are going through the pains of divorce, school playgrounds, work and memories of a time gone by. As we drank our pink champagne in the retro champagne glasses, one of my old friends, who works in the wine industry, decided to tell us a piece of trivia. 'Did you know that these champagne glasses were sized to fit one of Marie Antoinette's tits in it?' We all laughed and looked mysteriously at the small circular shaped glasses. She must have been a child when they sized them up. We googled her to find out how old she was when she died (37 - the current age of most sitting around the glass patio table), but decided that she was obviously way too flat chested to be a real woman (maybe that's why she was beheaded!). Of course, the conversation revolved around boob sizes after that, as girls do.
After a few too many pink champagnes, we couldn't work out who's glasses were who's anymore, so it was decided any would do. One of the girls said 'I'm sure we've all shared germs swapping boyfriends all those years ago.' So we tried to work it out.. Two around the table had the same boyfriend a few years a part from each other. Me and another of the girls had brothers at the same time, but with those around the table, there wasn't as much boyfriend swapping as we first thought. If there were a few more from our group there, it possibly would be true. But we did goes through different phases of being with boys from one school, then from another school, and then another. So the boy groups kept changing, and we did go out with mates of mates, but I don't think there was much swapping.
Amidst the talking and drinking, we took photos and posted them on Facebook, while the school mates who couldn't make it admired our little shindig from afar. For some of us, the afternoon got cut short when the evening arrived, while the others changed venues and kept the night going. It was good to catch up, something the single mums much appreciate as times to get out are rare (and there was one single mum who would have loved to have been there but couldn't get a babysitter)... looking forward to the next one sans children, just to be a girl again... :)
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Putting Yourself Out There...
As a single mum, we struggle between the balance of working to provide for our family and spending time with our children. Most of us have to work from when our babes are a few weeks or months old, but some have the luxury of having a partner for those first few years and there isn't the need to work to pay the bills, just care for and enjoy the innocence of our beautiful children. But when they go off to school, and you don't have a partner to provide your every day costs for you anymore, you need to get yourself back in the work force. So what do you do?
Put yourself out there! Get your resume in order, show your future employers that you are different, have unique skills and are the best person for every job. Don't be afraid that you haven't been in the workforce for a few years. Every job needs to be 'trained' in one way or another, so you will soon get the hang of what's needed once you get in there.
Put down all the skills that make you a great mum - highly organised, being part of the kindergarten committee, friendly personality (as I'm sure you've made a whole new group of friends since you became a mum), able to stick to routines and deadlines, skilled at social media (as I'm sure when your child's taking a nap you've been Facebooking it or Twittering it!), easily able to adapt to changing situations, and I'm sure there is more that you can show a potential employer.
How about your covering letter? How are you going to stand out from the crowd? Well it all depends on what type of job you're going for... if' it's an office job, you may want to make it conservative but fresh, however if it's a reception job, make your letter bubbly and friendly to reflect your personality. Same goes for a retail job - show your personality in your covering letter, show your smile and vivaciousness in your words, the very vivaciousness that will make people want to talk with you in their store.
Here's a useful list of what makes a good resume: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/resume-writing-tips/ It covers everything from individualising your resume for different companies, formatting your resume, using power words and listing achievements.
I guess for most of us, the worrying concern is the huge gap in the years between jobs that you hid away changing nappies all day. But if you can market yourself properly, re-interating what skills you can bring to the employer rather than your experience, you will shine and be noticed. Go on, believe in yourself and make it happen.
Put yourself out there! Get your resume in order, show your future employers that you are different, have unique skills and are the best person for every job. Don't be afraid that you haven't been in the workforce for a few years. Every job needs to be 'trained' in one way or another, so you will soon get the hang of what's needed once you get in there.
Put down all the skills that make you a great mum - highly organised, being part of the kindergarten committee, friendly personality (as I'm sure you've made a whole new group of friends since you became a mum), able to stick to routines and deadlines, skilled at social media (as I'm sure when your child's taking a nap you've been Facebooking it or Twittering it!), easily able to adapt to changing situations, and I'm sure there is more that you can show a potential employer.
How about your covering letter? How are you going to stand out from the crowd? Well it all depends on what type of job you're going for... if' it's an office job, you may want to make it conservative but fresh, however if it's a reception job, make your letter bubbly and friendly to reflect your personality. Same goes for a retail job - show your personality in your covering letter, show your smile and vivaciousness in your words, the very vivaciousness that will make people want to talk with you in their store.
Here's a useful list of what makes a good resume: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/resume-writing-tips/ It covers everything from individualising your resume for different companies, formatting your resume, using power words and listing achievements.
I guess for most of us, the worrying concern is the huge gap in the years between jobs that you hid away changing nappies all day. But if you can market yourself properly, re-interating what skills you can bring to the employer rather than your experience, you will shine and be noticed. Go on, believe in yourself and make it happen.
Monday, 14 November 2011
When numbers look fat...
... and not in a good way! I have decided to not let the stress of my ex-husband get to me in the form of chocolate, milkshakes and high-fat but super delicious gastronomic delights and go back to my full-proof 'home delivered' diet to show the world that I am 'free' from all the stress and ready to move on.
As, like all of us girls who climb on the diet wagon, I jumped on the scales as part of my morning ritual this morning (first I must empty bladder and squeeze out any poop that may interfere with a 'good' reading of the scales, then strip off to my bare naked skin to get the most consistent reading), I saw the scales go from a _1.5kg (I am not telling you want the first number is!) to a _0.8kg. At first, I saw the fat numbers of the zero and eight and felt disappointed, but then realised that I had actually lost 0.7kgs. But what's up with that initial reaction?
Do a zero or eight define the voluptuous curves of our psychosis and re-interate to our heads that we are fat? Because they definitely aren't as skinny as a '1!' Can you imagine the '1' telling the '0' that it's better than him because he is skinnier making the '0' lose all self confidence because he's round with no waist, when in fact, he is the better figure to have in the weight loss fight... I'm sure the '0' just wants to snap the stick figure '1' in half and throw it over it's shoulder to show that the '1' is beaten... And with his robust figure, he could easily do it.
So, as my weight goes down from _0, to _9, _8, _7, etc and the numbers slowly lose their roundness back to _1 again, I'm looking forward to the '0' kicking ass again and telling the '1' where to go!
As, like all of us girls who climb on the diet wagon, I jumped on the scales as part of my morning ritual this morning (first I must empty bladder and squeeze out any poop that may interfere with a 'good' reading of the scales, then strip off to my bare naked skin to get the most consistent reading), I saw the scales go from a _1.5kg (I am not telling you want the first number is!) to a _0.8kg. At first, I saw the fat numbers of the zero and eight and felt disappointed, but then realised that I had actually lost 0.7kgs. But what's up with that initial reaction?
Do a zero or eight define the voluptuous curves of our psychosis and re-interate to our heads that we are fat? Because they definitely aren't as skinny as a '1!' Can you imagine the '1' telling the '0' that it's better than him because he is skinnier making the '0' lose all self confidence because he's round with no waist, when in fact, he is the better figure to have in the weight loss fight... I'm sure the '0' just wants to snap the stick figure '1' in half and throw it over it's shoulder to show that the '1' is beaten... And with his robust figure, he could easily do it.
So, as my weight goes down from _0, to _9, _8, _7, etc and the numbers slowly lose their roundness back to _1 again, I'm looking forward to the '0' kicking ass again and telling the '1' where to go!
Saturday, 12 November 2011
How much is too much?
I watched an episode of 'Wife Swap' last night... something that I wouldn't dare to admit on a normal day. However it was a fairly interesting episode where there was one family that believed that good looks and confidence equalled money and power, while the other family had told their children that if being average is your best, then average is who you are.
The 'good looking family' (and really, they weren't that good looking) had it all... the mother was the head of a modelling agency and was essentially the bread winner. The two daughters (aged 10 and 7) wore designer clothes and accessories, one was heading a girl band, they took piano lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, singing lessons, had a deportment tutor, did everything they could to be stars. They had 2 housekeepers and their father was mad on sports - wake boarding, hockey, basketball and sometimes went to work as a property developer for his wife's father. He took no responsibility for the children, often getting the girls to school late. The girls would eat dinner at around 9.30-10pm at night after all their activities, going to bed around midnight because they had so much going on.
The other family were red necks from Wisconsin. There were 6 children (but I think only five living at home). They loved their family and did everything together. There were five sons and a daughter and the level of testosterone was overwhelming. They went hunting, and were constantly roughing each other up. The boys (in their late teens to early 20s) were used to their mother doing all the housework, while they sat on their bottoms watching TV. The father loved spending time with his children and family. There was a lot of love in this home because they did spend quality time together.
I guess these two families were extremes of each other - one overloaded their young children for future hopes that they will be stars, where the other family were complacent, but happy to enjoy their family time. So where is the balance?
For me, it's not how much they do, it's the quality of what they do. For me, who has boys, but I also think it's important for girls, I believe team sports are a must. It gives them opportunities to learn important life skills in trust, camaraderie, being competitive, leadership, winning, losing and working as a team. They quickly learn the fact that there is no 'I' in team. My sons have played hockey, soccer, basketball and surf life saving over the years and they always seem happiest when they can share a victory with their mates; but when they have done things like swimming or tennis, it's almost a chore to get them there. I see some families at school who seem to have something on every day for this children, sometimes stacking an afternoon with 2-3 activities after school. There's no time for homework, no time for being a kid and no time for family time.
Then there is the argument that if you don't get your children involved in activities, they get bored easily and end up causing mischief - getting on the wrong side of the law, hanging out with the wrong kids, being easily led by their peers, and possibly getting involved with drugs and alcohol too early in life. They do this, because their parents don't take an interest in them and they want some attention, so instead of saying 'Hey Mum, I'd really like to join the local baseball club' (which they probably have at some point, but Mum isn't listening), they do law-defying things to get their parents attention.
So there must be a balance - a chance for a child to be a kid, to be part of a team, do something that makes them stand out, to feel wanted, be dedicated to their homework and schooling and enjoy family time. It's hard to get the right mix, and I can say I'm no expert at it, but we have to think what's best for our kids - not what's best for us.
The 'good looking family' (and really, they weren't that good looking) had it all... the mother was the head of a modelling agency and was essentially the bread winner. The two daughters (aged 10 and 7) wore designer clothes and accessories, one was heading a girl band, they took piano lessons, dance lessons, gymnastics, singing lessons, had a deportment tutor, did everything they could to be stars. They had 2 housekeepers and their father was mad on sports - wake boarding, hockey, basketball and sometimes went to work as a property developer for his wife's father. He took no responsibility for the children, often getting the girls to school late. The girls would eat dinner at around 9.30-10pm at night after all their activities, going to bed around midnight because they had so much going on.
The other family were red necks from Wisconsin. There were 6 children (but I think only five living at home). They loved their family and did everything together. There were five sons and a daughter and the level of testosterone was overwhelming. They went hunting, and were constantly roughing each other up. The boys (in their late teens to early 20s) were used to their mother doing all the housework, while they sat on their bottoms watching TV. The father loved spending time with his children and family. There was a lot of love in this home because they did spend quality time together.
I guess these two families were extremes of each other - one overloaded their young children for future hopes that they will be stars, where the other family were complacent, but happy to enjoy their family time. So where is the balance?
For me, it's not how much they do, it's the quality of what they do. For me, who has boys, but I also think it's important for girls, I believe team sports are a must. It gives them opportunities to learn important life skills in trust, camaraderie, being competitive, leadership, winning, losing and working as a team. They quickly learn the fact that there is no 'I' in team. My sons have played hockey, soccer, basketball and surf life saving over the years and they always seem happiest when they can share a victory with their mates; but when they have done things like swimming or tennis, it's almost a chore to get them there. I see some families at school who seem to have something on every day for this children, sometimes stacking an afternoon with 2-3 activities after school. There's no time for homework, no time for being a kid and no time for family time.
Then there is the argument that if you don't get your children involved in activities, they get bored easily and end up causing mischief - getting on the wrong side of the law, hanging out with the wrong kids, being easily led by their peers, and possibly getting involved with drugs and alcohol too early in life. They do this, because their parents don't take an interest in them and they want some attention, so instead of saying 'Hey Mum, I'd really like to join the local baseball club' (which they probably have at some point, but Mum isn't listening), they do law-defying things to get their parents attention.
So there must be a balance - a chance for a child to be a kid, to be part of a team, do something that makes them stand out, to feel wanted, be dedicated to their homework and schooling and enjoy family time. It's hard to get the right mix, and I can say I'm no expert at it, but we have to think what's best for our kids - not what's best for us.
Friday, 11 November 2011
One Day...
We all dream that 'one day' all our dreams will come true, that our childhood fantasies come alive and that will be our place of bliss. But how often do we actually live what we set out to do and find that it's not all that it's cracked up to be?
But then, if we didn't have the perceived concept of 'one day,' then we wouldn't have a life worth living. We wouldn't have any goals, we wouldn't have anything to look forward to, we wouldn't strive for 'better.' And I guess that's what depression can do to you... you lose the concept that 'one day' life will be better.
So, in saying that, we must continue to dream. Maybe not be so rigid in what we want to happen, but definitely have an outline of where we want to go, what we foresee will bring us happiness. As children, we tend to romanticise the concept of falling in love with our prince, having children and a beautiful home to raise them in. In our minds, there's a picture of joyous times you share as a family, rolling in the autumn leaves on the front lawn laughing and enjoying each other's company, baking a cake and flour all over the kitchen and your kids, or even a picnic in the country throwing a frisbee around as you enjoy the Spring sunshine and a slight breeze... but never the reality of paying the bills, working overtime, domestic housework, behavioural issues or any health complaints.
Once we live the life, do our future dreams have a little more sense of reality to them? In some ways yes, in others no. We still dream of winning the lottery to live the lavish life, go on overseas holidays or just get a renovation done. But we do tend to put a more logical train of thought and plan of action into making our dreams come true. We dream of ways that maintain the juggling act of work, school life for our kids, home life and quality family time, but understand that we have to work hard to play hard.
How is it, that some people have the knack to create opportunities for themselves, and others play the same routine game of the endless 'Groundhog Day' that life has given them, and they can't seem to break the monotony? How can you make that small change that will give you a new sense of purpose?
I guess the only thing I can suggest is actual 'do' something. Make a phone call, observe more, read more, if you see something that you might like - act on it. This is how 'one day' becomes today, tomorrow and your future. Have the courage to take a step forward or a leap of faith and do something different. As once you do take that first step, the second and third steps become so much easier and you'll wonder why you didn't do anything for so many years.
You are responsible for your own life, if you can't make your dreams come alive, no one can. You can't blame anyone for holding you back and you can't keep festering in your own wallows if you can't help yourself. Make it happen, believe in yourself, and 'one day,' sooner than later, your world will be a different place and you will find yourself again.
But then, if we didn't have the perceived concept of 'one day,' then we wouldn't have a life worth living. We wouldn't have any goals, we wouldn't have anything to look forward to, we wouldn't strive for 'better.' And I guess that's what depression can do to you... you lose the concept that 'one day' life will be better.
So, in saying that, we must continue to dream. Maybe not be so rigid in what we want to happen, but definitely have an outline of where we want to go, what we foresee will bring us happiness. As children, we tend to romanticise the concept of falling in love with our prince, having children and a beautiful home to raise them in. In our minds, there's a picture of joyous times you share as a family, rolling in the autumn leaves on the front lawn laughing and enjoying each other's company, baking a cake and flour all over the kitchen and your kids, or even a picnic in the country throwing a frisbee around as you enjoy the Spring sunshine and a slight breeze... but never the reality of paying the bills, working overtime, domestic housework, behavioural issues or any health complaints.
Once we live the life, do our future dreams have a little more sense of reality to them? In some ways yes, in others no. We still dream of winning the lottery to live the lavish life, go on overseas holidays or just get a renovation done. But we do tend to put a more logical train of thought and plan of action into making our dreams come true. We dream of ways that maintain the juggling act of work, school life for our kids, home life and quality family time, but understand that we have to work hard to play hard.
How is it, that some people have the knack to create opportunities for themselves, and others play the same routine game of the endless 'Groundhog Day' that life has given them, and they can't seem to break the monotony? How can you make that small change that will give you a new sense of purpose?
I guess the only thing I can suggest is actual 'do' something. Make a phone call, observe more, read more, if you see something that you might like - act on it. This is how 'one day' becomes today, tomorrow and your future. Have the courage to take a step forward or a leap of faith and do something different. As once you do take that first step, the second and third steps become so much easier and you'll wonder why you didn't do anything for so many years.
You are responsible for your own life, if you can't make your dreams come alive, no one can. You can't blame anyone for holding you back and you can't keep festering in your own wallows if you can't help yourself. Make it happen, believe in yourself, and 'one day,' sooner than later, your world will be a different place and you will find yourself again.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Yoga - Bringing the balance back from the madness
Ahh... it's amazing how nice it is to just stop. Stop and hear your heartbeat, stop and feel your breath, stop and clear your mind. It's the power of yoga... to become inwardly focused and concentrate on your divine spirit.
I started yoga about 6 weeks ago just to get some balance in my life. I didn't realise how instantly it would affect me... learning to take in deeper breaths to relief the anxiety building up, finding myself stretching in ways to relieve the tension... I'm really finding myself stopping and taking time out for myself.
Tonight, I started a new 7-week course with a new instructor. A South American male instructor. A very well toned, overly flexible male instructor. A lycra clad male instructor who liked to make us sweat. Our class is in this very sweet house with all the sounds of wind-chimes and birds, the scents of ylang ylang and lavender and all the old world charm that makes it a perfect place to revive your spirit.
There are only three of us in the class - one lady I hadn't seen before who looked like yoga had been part of her life for the past 20 years - she was so controlled, toned and annoyingly petite. Then there was the tiny motherly grandmother lady who looks like she loves her pasta, and gives everything a go, but struggles with some of the poses. And then there's me... a little bit flexible, not-so-toned, a little bit wobbly but able to do some of the advanced poses (then breaks the concentration sometimes when my 'tree' pose becomes uprooted and I crash into the wall).
Our lycra clad South American worked us harder than our previous instructor. Sweat was pouring off us in the mugginess of a stormy evening. I had to ask to put the ceiling fan on half way through our one and a half hour class as I was getting so sweaty, that my feet were slipping and the poses just weren't happening. The others were happy I asked, as it wasn't just my un-toned body that was feeling it.
Thankfully, after a warrior pose No 3, an inverted table and a very long shoulder stand, he let us relax in corpse pose taking in the sound of a Tibetan bell, before sitting cross legged, fingers & thumbs connected with wrists gently sitting on our knees, and resonating our 'Ohms' till they were in harmony.
So after all my thoughts of dysfunction, work and concern had vanished from my head, I opened the door, and somehow, all my thoughts rushed back to me again... but it's the one and a half hours in that room, that made me more calm and rational about them...
I started yoga about 6 weeks ago just to get some balance in my life. I didn't realise how instantly it would affect me... learning to take in deeper breaths to relief the anxiety building up, finding myself stretching in ways to relieve the tension... I'm really finding myself stopping and taking time out for myself.
Tonight, I started a new 7-week course with a new instructor. A South American male instructor. A very well toned, overly flexible male instructor. A lycra clad male instructor who liked to make us sweat. Our class is in this very sweet house with all the sounds of wind-chimes and birds, the scents of ylang ylang and lavender and all the old world charm that makes it a perfect place to revive your spirit.
There are only three of us in the class - one lady I hadn't seen before who looked like yoga had been part of her life for the past 20 years - she was so controlled, toned and annoyingly petite. Then there was the tiny motherly grandmother lady who looks like she loves her pasta, and gives everything a go, but struggles with some of the poses. And then there's me... a little bit flexible, not-so-toned, a little bit wobbly but able to do some of the advanced poses (then breaks the concentration sometimes when my 'tree' pose becomes uprooted and I crash into the wall).
Our lycra clad South American worked us harder than our previous instructor. Sweat was pouring off us in the mugginess of a stormy evening. I had to ask to put the ceiling fan on half way through our one and a half hour class as I was getting so sweaty, that my feet were slipping and the poses just weren't happening. The others were happy I asked, as it wasn't just my un-toned body that was feeling it.
Thankfully, after a warrior pose No 3, an inverted table and a very long shoulder stand, he let us relax in corpse pose taking in the sound of a Tibetan bell, before sitting cross legged, fingers & thumbs connected with wrists gently sitting on our knees, and resonating our 'Ohms' till they were in harmony.
So after all my thoughts of dysfunction, work and concern had vanished from my head, I opened the door, and somehow, all my thoughts rushed back to me again... but it's the one and a half hours in that room, that made me more calm and rational about them...
Monday, 7 November 2011
When Boys Bring the Love... to friendship
Have you ever noticed that boys will Hi-5, pat their mates on the back or even give each other a massive group hug when they play team sports, roughing each others hair up and overwhelming happy to be on the team, but never interact with each other affectionately otherwise (unless they are brothers)? They don't greet each other with a hug when they come over for a play or see each other at the mall. Where as girls will meet and greet with hugs and kisses as they mimic their parents doing the same with their friends.
This link is an amazing story about an autistic boy who was very much part of a college basketball team as the team manager. He was their biggest supporter and overly enthusiastic at their matches. Watch the link to see what happens... it brings you to tears, of joy.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150382299923934&set=vb.111166098951926&type=2&theater
This link is an amazing story about an autistic boy who was very much part of a college basketball team as the team manager. He was their biggest supporter and overly enthusiastic at their matches. Watch the link to see what happens... it brings you to tears, of joy.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150382299923934&set=vb.111166098951926&type=2&theater
Saturday, 5 November 2011
The art to arguing
Over the years, you discover what sets people off and what doesn't. Where their soft spot is, where their vulnerabilities lie, who they protect and why, who are the peacekeepers and who are the instigators. But most will either stay quiet and dwell on the issue at hand letting them eat themselves up inside or defend their position with gusto, bells and whistles... but there is someone in between.
There is someone who has the courage to ask questions with a level head, understand that there are two sides to a story, that some things do come out wrong and unintentional and learn to forgive. They have the maturity to sit face to face with the person they have an issue with and confront the problem at hand with poise, love and composure.
So how do we gain the skills of stating your argument without being defensive? Is it something that we learn through observation, through education or through being comfortable with who we are? Do we know the people that we love so well, that we know how to approach them with a cool calming attitude, knowing that that is the way they will answer with honesty and integrity? Or can these types of confrontations only be done with certain people - as some people with bellow out an argument if you told them that they had a hair out of place? Who knows...
I'm no psychologist, nor have I studied psychology, but I'm sure there is a certain button in all of us that makes us take a step back and start listening objectively, not defensively.
How do we teach our children this skill? With love and acceptance? By telling the truth, as the truth shall set you free? To explain the significance of an apology - where you apologise only if you realise that you made a mistake, are prepared not to make the same mistake again and learn from the event?
There has to be a level of trust in it all. If you've been betrayed by someone who has lied to you in the past, made judgement calls on your life or even did something against your foundations, you're most likely going to hide behind your defences if they bring up an argumentative situation. But if you have learnt to trust that person, your natural instinct is to listen objectively. It's human nature, isn't it?
So maybe, part of the forgiving process is to not yell and scream at each other, but listen reflectively. It may save some relationships, but then again, if you're coming up against the same attacking stand-off week after week, month after month, year after year, is the relationship worth saving? If that other person doesn't have the respect for you to take that step back and listen objectively, then maybe it's not... You've tried and given it your best shot, but they aren't willing to forgive. You need to let go and move on... Now, that's another lesson to teach our children...
There is someone who has the courage to ask questions with a level head, understand that there are two sides to a story, that some things do come out wrong and unintentional and learn to forgive. They have the maturity to sit face to face with the person they have an issue with and confront the problem at hand with poise, love and composure.
So how do we gain the skills of stating your argument without being defensive? Is it something that we learn through observation, through education or through being comfortable with who we are? Do we know the people that we love so well, that we know how to approach them with a cool calming attitude, knowing that that is the way they will answer with honesty and integrity? Or can these types of confrontations only be done with certain people - as some people with bellow out an argument if you told them that they had a hair out of place? Who knows...
I'm no psychologist, nor have I studied psychology, but I'm sure there is a certain button in all of us that makes us take a step back and start listening objectively, not defensively.
How do we teach our children this skill? With love and acceptance? By telling the truth, as the truth shall set you free? To explain the significance of an apology - where you apologise only if you realise that you made a mistake, are prepared not to make the same mistake again and learn from the event?
There has to be a level of trust in it all. If you've been betrayed by someone who has lied to you in the past, made judgement calls on your life or even did something against your foundations, you're most likely going to hide behind your defences if they bring up an argumentative situation. But if you have learnt to trust that person, your natural instinct is to listen objectively. It's human nature, isn't it?
So maybe, part of the forgiving process is to not yell and scream at each other, but listen reflectively. It may save some relationships, but then again, if you're coming up against the same attacking stand-off week after week, month after month, year after year, is the relationship worth saving? If that other person doesn't have the respect for you to take that step back and listen objectively, then maybe it's not... You've tried and given it your best shot, but they aren't willing to forgive. You need to let go and move on... Now, that's another lesson to teach our children...
Friday, 4 November 2011
When the tables have turned...
As a mum the evolution of your eating habits change. When you're pregnant, you tell yourself that it's OK to eat for two. You're not supposed to drink alcohol, eat French soft cheeses, eat raw fish, essentially eat all your favourite things, so you start eating bizarre combinations of chocolate and pickles or sardines and a glass of milk. Once you have your child, breast-feeding kicks in, and even though your weird selections have lessened, you are sleep deprived and do anything to get some energy into your system, so you go for the high sugar alternatives to keep you awake.
As your child starts to eat solids, you do everything you can to encourage them to eat the unusual textures and tastes. You taste it to see if it's too hot, you show them how yummy it is by over-exaggerating the action of eating and when they start pushing your hand away because they are full, you end up eating the leftovers. And you do it every time until one day you realise, "How did I put on that extra 10, 20 or 30 kilos?"
So when does the time come that they help you finish your plate and not the other way around? Well for me, I think it started last night... My boys wanted to go out for sushi. For them 'sushi' isn't raw fish, it's more like a chicken teriyaki hand-roll with cucumber, rice and seaweed. I decided to do something different and bought myself a proper sushi platter. There were small tuna rolls, an egg roll, a caviar morsel, prawn with rice, raw salmon with rice, raw tuna with rice, and slices of raw tuna and raw salmon on the side. It was a colourful selection like an assortment of chocolates, but a lot more healthier. As I plunged my chopsticks into the wasabi and dabbed a bit on my tasty samples, from one side of the table I get "Can I have some of the salmon?" Sitting next to me I get "Can I have the prawn?" As one takes the salmon (it was actually the tuna he was after), the other one takes the prawn, then they just kept helping themselves. I didn't see a piece of raw tuna pass my lips, and the eight year old took off with my pieces of raw salmon as well as the prawn and even tried some of the caviar, wasabi and pickled ginger. I really didn't get to see much of my dinner, but I was happy to see them enjoying something different to hamburgers, nuggets and chips.
They convinced me that we should get dessert after, as they spotted an ice-cream shop on the way to getting Japanese. So they decided to get the sickly sweet 'rainbow' ice-cream in a cup, and I thought, for the same price I would go for pancakes with maple syrup with a dollop of vanilla ice-cream. Once they saw how delicious my Americano pancakes were, they then asked for a bite or two or three.
So, for what I thought would be a nice amount of food for dinner for me, ended up being half what I expected. But that's OK, I don't need to eat too much. It was just nice to see them finishing their meals and wanting to try new things without being prompted. Let's just see how long it lasts :)
As your child starts to eat solids, you do everything you can to encourage them to eat the unusual textures and tastes. You taste it to see if it's too hot, you show them how yummy it is by over-exaggerating the action of eating and when they start pushing your hand away because they are full, you end up eating the leftovers. And you do it every time until one day you realise, "How did I put on that extra 10, 20 or 30 kilos?"
So when does the time come that they help you finish your plate and not the other way around? Well for me, I think it started last night... My boys wanted to go out for sushi. For them 'sushi' isn't raw fish, it's more like a chicken teriyaki hand-roll with cucumber, rice and seaweed. I decided to do something different and bought myself a proper sushi platter. There were small tuna rolls, an egg roll, a caviar morsel, prawn with rice, raw salmon with rice, raw tuna with rice, and slices of raw tuna and raw salmon on the side. It was a colourful selection like an assortment of chocolates, but a lot more healthier. As I plunged my chopsticks into the wasabi and dabbed a bit on my tasty samples, from one side of the table I get "Can I have some of the salmon?" Sitting next to me I get "Can I have the prawn?" As one takes the salmon (it was actually the tuna he was after), the other one takes the prawn, then they just kept helping themselves. I didn't see a piece of raw tuna pass my lips, and the eight year old took off with my pieces of raw salmon as well as the prawn and even tried some of the caviar, wasabi and pickled ginger. I really didn't get to see much of my dinner, but I was happy to see them enjoying something different to hamburgers, nuggets and chips.
They convinced me that we should get dessert after, as they spotted an ice-cream shop on the way to getting Japanese. So they decided to get the sickly sweet 'rainbow' ice-cream in a cup, and I thought, for the same price I would go for pancakes with maple syrup with a dollop of vanilla ice-cream. Once they saw how delicious my Americano pancakes were, they then asked for a bite or two or three.
So, for what I thought would be a nice amount of food for dinner for me, ended up being half what I expected. But that's OK, I don't need to eat too much. It was just nice to see them finishing their meals and wanting to try new things without being prompted. Let's just see how long it lasts :)
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Fact or Fiction?
Who can really tell what stories are made up and what are truths? How many stories are 'based on a true story' with a lot of the detail embellished to make the story more exciting? Where is the defining point that separates fact from fiction?
Here are a couple of stories - one is fact, the other is fiction. I bet you can't tell the truth...
In my normal work rounds, I met a lady yesterday who was a partial paraplegic using walking canes to get around, but also had a broken wrist, that had been broken since March, so it was almost impossible for her to get around without her wrist not repairing itself. She was selling her home because her husband left her for a 25 year old nursing student, and her oldest daughter followed her husband, leaving her alone with one high school aged daughter to fend for themselves. She couldn't work, and as a part of the separation she'd bought an apartment off-the-plan to live in, but that was caught up in VCAT (the Victorian Civil and Administration Tribunal) because the developers decided to put a 4th storey on the building after all the 3rd storey apartments had been sold. All the 3rd storey apartment owners are up in arms because they thought they were buying the top floor, but they hadn't. So the place she's moving to is running a year late in it's construction, and she is going to be left homeless if it's not completed within the next 4 months. Her husband doesn't pay her a cent, as they have equal share of looking after the children, so she's almost destitute. She gets a small disability pension, but that's it. Not enough to look after a 5 bedroom house and a daughter in high school. Such a sad story.
A single mum friend of mine has been seeing a miner who works in South Australia. They talk constantly via Skype, phone calls and emails, and they get to see each other once a month. He either comes to Melbourne, or she goes to South Australia. Her children are 5 and 4, too little to understand that their mum loves another man, and so she hadn't told them. He comes to visit or she goes to see him when the children are in their father's care. One weekend, her new man was over and they were having playful S&M sex on the living room floor. It was amazing, something her ex-husband would never do. As she was whipping his arse as he lay across the coffee table, her ex-husband decides to drop the children off early without letting her know. He didn't know that she was involved with another man, and what she was doing was highly uncharacteristic of her. It was highly embarrassing for them all, and she had a lot of explaining to do. She wasn't prepared to answer questions from her children about this man yet. She wasn't prepared to tell her ex-husband that she had moved on. But she also realised that the excitement with her new lover was separating her from the friendship she once had with her ex-husband. It all flooded back to her - the desires, the friendship, the love, the bond - everything that she had in her marriage she wanted back again in an instant with her ex-husband. She told her lover to go, and she'd call him, but only to tell him it was over. How does something like that make you go back? What is the trigger? What is in between putting her panties on and looking up to see her innocent children's eyes wondering what she was doing? Who knows... but most women who make the decision never go back. But for the sake of her family, she felt it worthwhile.
I'm not going to tell you which story is true and which isn't. But they are both believable, both are drawn on factual elements, and both are like any other story I have written in this blog. But for the sake of family and friends who read my blog, I am pointing out to you that whatever you read here has partial truths and a lot of elaboration to create a story to help inspire, compare, and give understanding to all other single mums who read my blog. The first story is tragic and reminds my readers that our lives ain't that bad and we must push forward. The second story is a tale of loss of identity that was overcome by the caring nature she remembered that her ex-husband possessed and she want it back again. It's a tale of hope for all those hanging onto their past loves.
I look forward to writing more tales of hope, discovery, life, loves and loathes that help make single motherhood more bearable.
Here are a couple of stories - one is fact, the other is fiction. I bet you can't tell the truth...
In my normal work rounds, I met a lady yesterday who was a partial paraplegic using walking canes to get around, but also had a broken wrist, that had been broken since March, so it was almost impossible for her to get around without her wrist not repairing itself. She was selling her home because her husband left her for a 25 year old nursing student, and her oldest daughter followed her husband, leaving her alone with one high school aged daughter to fend for themselves. She couldn't work, and as a part of the separation she'd bought an apartment off-the-plan to live in, but that was caught up in VCAT (the Victorian Civil and Administration Tribunal) because the developers decided to put a 4th storey on the building after all the 3rd storey apartments had been sold. All the 3rd storey apartment owners are up in arms because they thought they were buying the top floor, but they hadn't. So the place she's moving to is running a year late in it's construction, and she is going to be left homeless if it's not completed within the next 4 months. Her husband doesn't pay her a cent, as they have equal share of looking after the children, so she's almost destitute. She gets a small disability pension, but that's it. Not enough to look after a 5 bedroom house and a daughter in high school. Such a sad story.
A single mum friend of mine has been seeing a miner who works in South Australia. They talk constantly via Skype, phone calls and emails, and they get to see each other once a month. He either comes to Melbourne, or she goes to South Australia. Her children are 5 and 4, too little to understand that their mum loves another man, and so she hadn't told them. He comes to visit or she goes to see him when the children are in their father's care. One weekend, her new man was over and they were having playful S&M sex on the living room floor. It was amazing, something her ex-husband would never do. As she was whipping his arse as he lay across the coffee table, her ex-husband decides to drop the children off early without letting her know. He didn't know that she was involved with another man, and what she was doing was highly uncharacteristic of her. It was highly embarrassing for them all, and she had a lot of explaining to do. She wasn't prepared to answer questions from her children about this man yet. She wasn't prepared to tell her ex-husband that she had moved on. But she also realised that the excitement with her new lover was separating her from the friendship she once had with her ex-husband. It all flooded back to her - the desires, the friendship, the love, the bond - everything that she had in her marriage she wanted back again in an instant with her ex-husband. She told her lover to go, and she'd call him, but only to tell him it was over. How does something like that make you go back? What is the trigger? What is in between putting her panties on and looking up to see her innocent children's eyes wondering what she was doing? Who knows... but most women who make the decision never go back. But for the sake of her family, she felt it worthwhile.
I'm not going to tell you which story is true and which isn't. But they are both believable, both are drawn on factual elements, and both are like any other story I have written in this blog. But for the sake of family and friends who read my blog, I am pointing out to you that whatever you read here has partial truths and a lot of elaboration to create a story to help inspire, compare, and give understanding to all other single mums who read my blog. The first story is tragic and reminds my readers that our lives ain't that bad and we must push forward. The second story is a tale of loss of identity that was overcome by the caring nature she remembered that her ex-husband possessed and she want it back again. It's a tale of hope for all those hanging onto their past loves.
I look forward to writing more tales of hope, discovery, life, loves and loathes that help make single motherhood more bearable.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Keeping secrets from your kids
I'm reading a book at the moment called 'Past Secrets' by Cathy Kelly (a bit of chick-lit) and it made me think... when is it right or wrong to keep past secrets from your children about your adolescence?
The dilemma presented in the book was a single mother with a soon-to-be 18 year old daughter, who had lied to her daughter about the status of her father. She had always said that her father died in a car accident while she was pregnant with her, when in fact, she had been a band groupie, fell in love with the lead singer, had sex with him, found out she was pregnant, and she she went to tell him, he had some other floozie on his arm and didn't care one iota for her. She felt like a fool, cried to her mum, didn't tell the father, and she brought up her daughter on her own. She decided to live a responsible life - not having any male friends and creating a special bond between her daughter and herself. They happily did everything together, until about a month prior to her daughter's 18th birthday, her daughter started to become rebellious without her mother knowing (she thought she was at a friend's house studying for exams), and then her daughter left - saying she was in love with a rockstar and she was his inspiration for writing music, so he's invited her to join their tour over in America (the book is based in Ireland) and her mother can't stop her. From the daughter's perspective, she felt her mum was a goodie-two-shoes who didn't know how to have a good time, had no idea what it was to be loved by a man and she didn't want her mother's boring ideals imposed on her. But little did she know, that she was only repeating what her mother had done 18 years prior.
I'm sure there are plenty of parents in the same situation. They don't tell them the truth because they are scared of them using it against them. "I know you smoked dope when you were 16, so don't tell me I can't..." Those sort of antics. But most kids aren't stupid. Most kids can see that the 'whole truth' isn't being revealed.
For instance, my friend's parents told their children that they were together from the time they were 15 and 17 respectively, but never had sex until they were married at the ages of 22 and 24 - seven whole years. They said, 'we never thought like that,' 'we were too busy doing other things.' What a load of hogwash! And somehow, two of their children were caught in teenage pregnancy debacles... like it wasn't in their gene pool. And her grandfather, at the age of 97, raves on about the Viagra sitting in his fridge! What, does a sex drive skip a generation? How could my friend's parents not be interested in sex as the advent of the pill came in and the sexual revolution was buzzing all around them? But it wasn't just sex they kept secret from my friend and her siblings - it was periods, how boys treat girls, how to shave your legs without cutting yourself, make-up... the whole puberty debate - none of it was ever discussed. They were shoved a copy of "Where Do I Come From?" in front of our faces to look at cartoon couples making love in a bed with little heart shapes floating around them. But now, in their twilight years, my friend's parents seem to have a sparkle of naughtiness between them... did they discover how amazing sex was in their 50s after their children left the nest? It's hard to believe isn't it?
So as a parent, fully aware that secrets can only cause harm to our children, I am very open with my kids. However, before revealing all, I find out how much they know and then clarify the truth to make them more educated. If they ask questions, I tell them the reality of it all. It's only fair to them. It's not about them growing up too fast - as they find out information from friends who've got older brothers or sisters. What would you prefer them to know - stretched out tales from pubescent know-it-alls, or carefully guided parental knowledge? I'd rather my kid tell his school mates the truth with confidence and give the older sibling a run for his money.
At the same time, I think the more your children know about your past, the less likely they will rebel in their teen years. They know it's nothing new to you, but it is to them, so they will most likely have a lot of questions for you to make an educated decision to work out if whatever they plan to do is right for them or not. Of course, there are two types of child - one who will be inquisitive and the other who will say 'you did it, so why can't I?' It is all in the attitude, so if you confide in your child, they will more likely come to you for help and guidance. But you just can't blurt out "This is my past, and I need you to know about it." It has to evolve over time. The trust in telling the truth has to begin from the time they start asking questions. That's how you build trust within your relationship with your kids. And you need for them to discover things on their own. You can't protect them their entire lives, you need to give them some freedom and responsibility for themselves.
I know it's easy for me to say it when my kids are only 10 and 8. But I have vivid memories of my teens and scrutinise how things should have been different and I may have made better decisions for myself. I see the overwhelming protective boundaries that are put on children today. It is mind-boggling that the adults of the next generation won't know how to go to a friend's house without their parent doing a security screening on their friend's house; what the value of a dollar is because they have never had to earn a dollar; they won't even know how to catch public transport because their parent's drove them everywhere. The more we protect, the more they will rebel - it's the yin and yang of parenthood - there has to be balance.
So if you want a truely 'balanced' relationship with your children, you can't afford to have secrets. Telling the truth can only ensure that your children will respect you and think beyond themselves.
The dilemma presented in the book was a single mother with a soon-to-be 18 year old daughter, who had lied to her daughter about the status of her father. She had always said that her father died in a car accident while she was pregnant with her, when in fact, she had been a band groupie, fell in love with the lead singer, had sex with him, found out she was pregnant, and she she went to tell him, he had some other floozie on his arm and didn't care one iota for her. She felt like a fool, cried to her mum, didn't tell the father, and she brought up her daughter on her own. She decided to live a responsible life - not having any male friends and creating a special bond between her daughter and herself. They happily did everything together, until about a month prior to her daughter's 18th birthday, her daughter started to become rebellious without her mother knowing (she thought she was at a friend's house studying for exams), and then her daughter left - saying she was in love with a rockstar and she was his inspiration for writing music, so he's invited her to join their tour over in America (the book is based in Ireland) and her mother can't stop her. From the daughter's perspective, she felt her mum was a goodie-two-shoes who didn't know how to have a good time, had no idea what it was to be loved by a man and she didn't want her mother's boring ideals imposed on her. But little did she know, that she was only repeating what her mother had done 18 years prior.
I'm sure there are plenty of parents in the same situation. They don't tell them the truth because they are scared of them using it against them. "I know you smoked dope when you were 16, so don't tell me I can't..." Those sort of antics. But most kids aren't stupid. Most kids can see that the 'whole truth' isn't being revealed.
For instance, my friend's parents told their children that they were together from the time they were 15 and 17 respectively, but never had sex until they were married at the ages of 22 and 24 - seven whole years. They said, 'we never thought like that,' 'we were too busy doing other things.' What a load of hogwash! And somehow, two of their children were caught in teenage pregnancy debacles... like it wasn't in their gene pool. And her grandfather, at the age of 97, raves on about the Viagra sitting in his fridge! What, does a sex drive skip a generation? How could my friend's parents not be interested in sex as the advent of the pill came in and the sexual revolution was buzzing all around them? But it wasn't just sex they kept secret from my friend and her siblings - it was periods, how boys treat girls, how to shave your legs without cutting yourself, make-up... the whole puberty debate - none of it was ever discussed. They were shoved a copy of "Where Do I Come From?" in front of our faces to look at cartoon couples making love in a bed with little heart shapes floating around them. But now, in their twilight years, my friend's parents seem to have a sparkle of naughtiness between them... did they discover how amazing sex was in their 50s after their children left the nest? It's hard to believe isn't it?
So as a parent, fully aware that secrets can only cause harm to our children, I am very open with my kids. However, before revealing all, I find out how much they know and then clarify the truth to make them more educated. If they ask questions, I tell them the reality of it all. It's only fair to them. It's not about them growing up too fast - as they find out information from friends who've got older brothers or sisters. What would you prefer them to know - stretched out tales from pubescent know-it-alls, or carefully guided parental knowledge? I'd rather my kid tell his school mates the truth with confidence and give the older sibling a run for his money.
At the same time, I think the more your children know about your past, the less likely they will rebel in their teen years. They know it's nothing new to you, but it is to them, so they will most likely have a lot of questions for you to make an educated decision to work out if whatever they plan to do is right for them or not. Of course, there are two types of child - one who will be inquisitive and the other who will say 'you did it, so why can't I?' It is all in the attitude, so if you confide in your child, they will more likely come to you for help and guidance. But you just can't blurt out "This is my past, and I need you to know about it." It has to evolve over time. The trust in telling the truth has to begin from the time they start asking questions. That's how you build trust within your relationship with your kids. And you need for them to discover things on their own. You can't protect them their entire lives, you need to give them some freedom and responsibility for themselves.
I know it's easy for me to say it when my kids are only 10 and 8. But I have vivid memories of my teens and scrutinise how things should have been different and I may have made better decisions for myself. I see the overwhelming protective boundaries that are put on children today. It is mind-boggling that the adults of the next generation won't know how to go to a friend's house without their parent doing a security screening on their friend's house; what the value of a dollar is because they have never had to earn a dollar; they won't even know how to catch public transport because their parent's drove them everywhere. The more we protect, the more they will rebel - it's the yin and yang of parenthood - there has to be balance.
So if you want a truely 'balanced' relationship with your children, you can't afford to have secrets. Telling the truth can only ensure that your children will respect you and think beyond themselves.
Saturday, 29 October 2011
When It's All Gone...
Single motherhood takes life to the extremes. It can lead to immense poverty, it can be quite isolating but at the same time, so liberating.
I recently spoke to one woman who married quite early, had a son and realised that she couldn't cope with the violence and verbal abuse, so she took her 12 month old son and left. She didn't have any more than the clothes on her back and a nappy (diaper) bag with her, but she didn't care... she had her freedom, she had her parents as limited support and she knew she could rely on charities to get her through the first few months she needed to get back on her feet. If she couldn't get food from goodwill, she would find herself on her mother's doorstep at eight o'clock at night. She was happy living under some cardboard boxes in a neighbour's garage until she found a place to live. It's what she did for her freedom. Now, her son is in his early thirties, she is a successful business woman living opposite the beach and drives a BMW. Within five years of sleeping under cardboard boxes, she was able to put a deposit down on a house and pay the house off in ten years. She gave her son absolutely everything she could and he is someone she is dearly proud of. She's in now in her early 50s and happy where she is, now with a loving husband and grandchildren to enjoy.
Some single mums start as being single and struggle to rise above the variety of government hand-outs (in Australia, they are entitled to rent assistance, Austudy or unemployment benefits, Family Tax B, endless concessions on car registration, pharmaceuticals, doctor's bills, electricity/gas/water bills, etc) and do something they can be proud of. I know motherhood is a full time job in itself, but to dedicate your life to solely the needs of your children, doesn't give you a chance to better yourself for them in the future - some time of work or study builds your self esteem to get out there to be better.
Some single mums are constantly reliant on their ex-husband to pay them alimony, child support and keep the cogs ticking the way they used to... but even that runs out when the children become of age, and the funding stops... it's your turn to make something of your life. So what do you do?
Some single mums are the primary care-giver and primary bread-winner, and somehow they too are left with nothing as their ex-husbands drag their ordeal through the court.
But in the end, you know you can start again. You have had the strength and courage to get through the hell of ending a relationship, of being a sole-parent, of being alone and isolated, and you know that you can get up and make a new reality that you have the control over. It may seem impossible to start all over again, but it's possible to make a better life, one you've never dreamed of, because you are free.
I recently spoke to one woman who married quite early, had a son and realised that she couldn't cope with the violence and verbal abuse, so she took her 12 month old son and left. She didn't have any more than the clothes on her back and a nappy (diaper) bag with her, but she didn't care... she had her freedom, she had her parents as limited support and she knew she could rely on charities to get her through the first few months she needed to get back on her feet. If she couldn't get food from goodwill, she would find herself on her mother's doorstep at eight o'clock at night. She was happy living under some cardboard boxes in a neighbour's garage until she found a place to live. It's what she did for her freedom. Now, her son is in his early thirties, she is a successful business woman living opposite the beach and drives a BMW. Within five years of sleeping under cardboard boxes, she was able to put a deposit down on a house and pay the house off in ten years. She gave her son absolutely everything she could and he is someone she is dearly proud of. She's in now in her early 50s and happy where she is, now with a loving husband and grandchildren to enjoy.
Some single mums start as being single and struggle to rise above the variety of government hand-outs (in Australia, they are entitled to rent assistance, Austudy or unemployment benefits, Family Tax B, endless concessions on car registration, pharmaceuticals, doctor's bills, electricity/gas/water bills, etc) and do something they can be proud of. I know motherhood is a full time job in itself, but to dedicate your life to solely the needs of your children, doesn't give you a chance to better yourself for them in the future - some time of work or study builds your self esteem to get out there to be better.
Some single mums are constantly reliant on their ex-husband to pay them alimony, child support and keep the cogs ticking the way they used to... but even that runs out when the children become of age, and the funding stops... it's your turn to make something of your life. So what do you do?
Some single mums are the primary care-giver and primary bread-winner, and somehow they too are left with nothing as their ex-husbands drag their ordeal through the court.
But in the end, you know you can start again. You have had the strength and courage to get through the hell of ending a relationship, of being a sole-parent, of being alone and isolated, and you know that you can get up and make a new reality that you have the control over. It may seem impossible to start all over again, but it's possible to make a better life, one you've never dreamed of, because you are free.
Friday, 28 October 2011
People who inspire...
How is it that some people have this aura of inspiration and others inspire you to run away? As a human condition, most people like to associate with those who have some spirit and sense of achievement in their lives, but there are those who are inspired to help those who are less fortunate. But how do you achieve a balance of 'receiving' the inspiration, and 'giving' the inspiration?
I have friends and family who inspire me, and those who have done nothing to be inspired about. For instance, an old friend had her first child at 20, put herself through university to get her teaching degree in Japanese, then after a few years, became head of the Japanese department of a private Melbourne school, all while being a single mum, saving for a deposit for a home and tossing up if she should keep her son's father in their lives while he gambled his (and sometimes her) money away. She gave him the ultimatum, which he took seriously, and now they are happy together, married, have a second child (13 years after the first) and twins on the way. Her story is a private struggle of doing the right thing by herself and her son to give herself the family she always wanted. They now struggle financially, while she quit her job to have more children, but she seems a lot happier enjoying motherhood with a partner.
I have another friend, who is very materialistic and needs to be 'seen.' She has the best of everything (or so she thinks) - the best dog, the best husband, lives in the best part of the world, has the best friends, the best lifestyle. She is constantly doing adventurous things - gliding, rock-climbing, sailing, etc. She is a snob when it comes to wines and restaurants, travel and pedigree pets. And when you get an alcoholic beverage into her, she becomes all high and mighty about how crap your life is, and how you should be more like her. She expects you to have the same ambitions as her. She is totally judgemental about what you 'should' be doing and what is not acceptable, in her eyes. But when you break it all down, her life ain't that great (and she is constantly asking for little loans from either her parents or her husband's). When she travels, she expects life to be better than what it is at home or it needs to live up to her expectations, and if it's not, she leaves. She's a hard worker, no doubt, but her mind set is based on her finite and very limited knowledge, not on expanding that knowledge through experience and acceptance.
For an adult, my lover inspires me the most. He works extraordinary hours, volunteers his time to the greater good of the medical community, he's always there for his children - sports coach, removalist, teacher, friend, babysitter, etc, he's physically active - he runs, plays tennis, plays golf, mountain bike riding, he is diligent in eating well, he enjoys quality and comfort, but knows how and is happy to slum it if he has to, he has a passion for nature and animals, and we both have a passion for writing. We inspire each other, and that is what makes our relationship what it is. There is no one-sidedness, we equally bounce off each other, to encourage each other to take on the next hurdle with courage and strength.
But most of all, my boys inspire me. They are the reason why I work so hard, they are the reason why I come home everyday, they are the reason I have my protective senses up to ensure they don't get hurt, they are the reason why I get out of bed every day. They inspire me to succeed and give them a better life.
All in all, people who inspire, don't have expectations on others. They live their own life without expecting others to approve. They relish in the simple things in life and take on whatever is handed to them on their plate. They don't judge, they get on with life. They are happy because they are giving to the greater good, not to their own financial or emotional gain. They have a spiritual connection with the world. They love unconditionally and they are proud of who they are. To be inspiring is one of the greatest gifts you can give...
I have friends and family who inspire me, and those who have done nothing to be inspired about. For instance, an old friend had her first child at 20, put herself through university to get her teaching degree in Japanese, then after a few years, became head of the Japanese department of a private Melbourne school, all while being a single mum, saving for a deposit for a home and tossing up if she should keep her son's father in their lives while he gambled his (and sometimes her) money away. She gave him the ultimatum, which he took seriously, and now they are happy together, married, have a second child (13 years after the first) and twins on the way. Her story is a private struggle of doing the right thing by herself and her son to give herself the family she always wanted. They now struggle financially, while she quit her job to have more children, but she seems a lot happier enjoying motherhood with a partner.
I have another friend, who is very materialistic and needs to be 'seen.' She has the best of everything (or so she thinks) - the best dog, the best husband, lives in the best part of the world, has the best friends, the best lifestyle. She is constantly doing adventurous things - gliding, rock-climbing, sailing, etc. She is a snob when it comes to wines and restaurants, travel and pedigree pets. And when you get an alcoholic beverage into her, she becomes all high and mighty about how crap your life is, and how you should be more like her. She expects you to have the same ambitions as her. She is totally judgemental about what you 'should' be doing and what is not acceptable, in her eyes. But when you break it all down, her life ain't that great (and she is constantly asking for little loans from either her parents or her husband's). When she travels, she expects life to be better than what it is at home or it needs to live up to her expectations, and if it's not, she leaves. She's a hard worker, no doubt, but her mind set is based on her finite and very limited knowledge, not on expanding that knowledge through experience and acceptance.
For an adult, my lover inspires me the most. He works extraordinary hours, volunteers his time to the greater good of the medical community, he's always there for his children - sports coach, removalist, teacher, friend, babysitter, etc, he's physically active - he runs, plays tennis, plays golf, mountain bike riding, he is diligent in eating well, he enjoys quality and comfort, but knows how and is happy to slum it if he has to, he has a passion for nature and animals, and we both have a passion for writing. We inspire each other, and that is what makes our relationship what it is. There is no one-sidedness, we equally bounce off each other, to encourage each other to take on the next hurdle with courage and strength.
But most of all, my boys inspire me. They are the reason why I work so hard, they are the reason why I come home everyday, they are the reason I have my protective senses up to ensure they don't get hurt, they are the reason why I get out of bed every day. They inspire me to succeed and give them a better life.
All in all, people who inspire, don't have expectations on others. They live their own life without expecting others to approve. They relish in the simple things in life and take on whatever is handed to them on their plate. They don't judge, they get on with life. They are happy because they are giving to the greater good, not to their own financial or emotional gain. They have a spiritual connection with the world. They love unconditionally and they are proud of who they are. To be inspiring is one of the greatest gifts you can give...
Monday, 24 October 2011
The Dickheads in this world
I had an interesting conversation with a client today. He said that he is the radar for his wife's girlfriends who bring new men over to 'show them off', and he will instantly tell his wife's friends what he thinks of their new beaus. He said it was interesting, how powerful women - those with great jobs, know how to stand on their own two feet, are strong, sensible women, somehow attract themselves to low-life 'dickheads.'
His generic term for a 'dickhead' is a guy who has no or a low paying job (which you don't know about, because he hides it well under his lies in the form of 'self employed'), seems to sit around with friends (or alone) drinking all the time, big-notes himself about how well he is doing, and make out that he is some type of millionaire with his flash cars, expensive taste and over-the-top stories. There is nothing genuine about them, and somehow, these amazing women attract themselves to these guys.
Why do we do it? Why do we belittle ourselves into thinking that these poor excuses for men are actually worth the time that we give them? Is it because, really successful men are intimidated by our womanly success and it's hard for us to snag an 'equal?' Because the really successful men are used to having a wife as a secretarial slave? Is that it? It would be too much for them to have a high powered woman who didn't take orders - they'd have to have their wives and their secretaries living under the same roof to get anything done. Or maybe they are so used to delegating that they can't do anything 'real' for themselves (you know, hang out the washing, do the dishes, find a matching pair of socks) because they have always had hired help.
But my question is, why are there so many male dickheads out there? What happened to the man who took on all the responsibility in the family - being the breadwinner, paying the bills, being the soccer coach, doing all the outdoors chores... where did he go? Did he get lost somewhere in the 60s and 70s when women started demanding to be considered an equal and man lost his place in the world? Did the 'real man' lose his identity because he didn't know what was expected from him anymore? Or do we have a generation of molly-coddled Mummy's boys that don't know how to do anything anymore because they were conscripted to Vietnam and their Mummies didn't want to lose them again, so they got pampered with everything?
Who knows, but it is truly difficult to find a 'real man' these days. A man who is principled, responsible, a provider, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, sensitive, attractive and is absolutely in love with you. If you do find yourself lucky enough to have one, don't let him go. He is literally one in a million... and you are truly blessed.
His generic term for a 'dickhead' is a guy who has no or a low paying job (which you don't know about, because he hides it well under his lies in the form of 'self employed'), seems to sit around with friends (or alone) drinking all the time, big-notes himself about how well he is doing, and make out that he is some type of millionaire with his flash cars, expensive taste and over-the-top stories. There is nothing genuine about them, and somehow, these amazing women attract themselves to these guys.
Why do we do it? Why do we belittle ourselves into thinking that these poor excuses for men are actually worth the time that we give them? Is it because, really successful men are intimidated by our womanly success and it's hard for us to snag an 'equal?' Because the really successful men are used to having a wife as a secretarial slave? Is that it? It would be too much for them to have a high powered woman who didn't take orders - they'd have to have their wives and their secretaries living under the same roof to get anything done. Or maybe they are so used to delegating that they can't do anything 'real' for themselves (you know, hang out the washing, do the dishes, find a matching pair of socks) because they have always had hired help.
But my question is, why are there so many male dickheads out there? What happened to the man who took on all the responsibility in the family - being the breadwinner, paying the bills, being the soccer coach, doing all the outdoors chores... where did he go? Did he get lost somewhere in the 60s and 70s when women started demanding to be considered an equal and man lost his place in the world? Did the 'real man' lose his identity because he didn't know what was expected from him anymore? Or do we have a generation of molly-coddled Mummy's boys that don't know how to do anything anymore because they were conscripted to Vietnam and their Mummies didn't want to lose them again, so they got pampered with everything?
Who knows, but it is truly difficult to find a 'real man' these days. A man who is principled, responsible, a provider, caring, compassionate, funny, strong, sensitive, attractive and is absolutely in love with you. If you do find yourself lucky enough to have one, don't let him go. He is literally one in a million... and you are truly blessed.
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